To take dd clothes to charity shop

I got home from a friend's house one afternoon to find my duvet, bean bag and a large selection of my clothes outside on the drive - my Mum told me if I wanted to live like a pig I could live outside like one.

What an excellent idea! Maybe I'll try that with my 22 year old son.

It cost us just under £500 (a lot less than the mega expensive ed psych we spent £1,500 on with ds who was no help & just wanted further appointments)

Dds school was fabulous - it was they who picked up the issues (we had no idea) & suggested an assessment.

As a caveat to the above....Theres nothing wrong in going with your parenting instincts and seeking a diagnosis if you feel the behaviours fit.

I didn't mean to undermine your core feeling that somethings not right.

Your list sounds very much what i was trying to get too.

What I didn't communicate very well is that teachers tend to be caring of their pupils and look for the good in them. The word wrong may bring out their deffence of their charge instincts. Sometimes I've found that when I've questioned a broad concern they've attempted reassurance and say things like 'she's lovely or they're all a bit like that sometimes' rather than investigating my concerns.

By being more specific and direct about the concerns so 'do you think dd is more disorganised than her peers, with so many marks for it?' Is possibly more likely to get a considered response than 'do you think dd has possible adhd characteristics'.

If consideration is given to your questions you can then follow with your concern by saying with these behaviours we see at home and those you're seeing at home is it possible that we could investigate if dd has an additional support need'.

If the school agree to investigate further ask for specifics as to what investigation is likely, by whom and a rough timeframe. If communication is verbal follow up with a polite summary email (think brief bullet point minutes of a meeting). Its remarkable how time slips by and keeping records of communication so you can keep nudging things along and show professionals your route to diagnosis can be very useful.

Believe in yourself. You're your DD's advocate and the one best able to make things happen.

I find it helpful to think in terms of examples of behaviours rather than rights and wrongs.

I've found it can be hard to get people who are, by the nature of their roles, nurturing to focus on wrong. It us a lovely quality to see each individual as just that and sweep them along within a group encouraging a common behaviour pattern across the group rather than focusing on any individuals shortcomings.

So instead of asking for school about negative behaviours, you could ask them to confirm no. of loses, no. of marks for disorganisation etc and whether they see this as the high end or above the usual range for her peer group.

If you can home in on the areas you have questions over and clarify by clear questioning whether they see the same they may then ellaborate further with more examples if their line of thinking has been drawn in that direction.

No experience of assessment through private school but I have bypassed school and been referred via the gp, then when getting taken seriously kept school on board and so they've provided support statements were necessary.

Are school seeing any issues?

guerre my youngest is 9, but I think they will have a no food in bedrooms rule for as long as they live here. Their rooms are tiny, there is just nowhere for them to leave empty plates or cups safely!

Although I would love to totally empty DS's room of clutter at some point as I'm sure he must have at least a dozen pairs of socks stashed under that mid-sleeper! Grr!

muddling nice to know someone's on my wavelength! That's pretty much how we manage it too- holiday to holiday. My children are a weeny bit younger, so 'No food upstairs' still means no food upstairs!

I have to say that my room was always a tip until I went to university, then it was spotless. No food waste though, but plenty of dirty clothes scattered around. I've no idea why I kept it like that tbh.

Just wanted to clarify something - DS was diagnosed by someone very senior in the NHS. There are incredible practitioners working for the state service. But it's pot luck, and we've seen genuinely awful ones, too. By seeing someone strongly recommended by parents with affected kids, you can guarantee competence. It doesn't mean competence isn't found on the NHS, and I didn't for a moment mean to say otherwise.

I think one of your issues is you have left it too long so it has got too messy.

As soon as it starts to go disorganised then is the time to get her to tidy it.
So

• sweet wrappers on floor = need tidy room
• clothes on floor = need to tidy room
• more than 1 used mug in room = need to tidy room

My teen DD with dyspraxia can't organise her way out of a paper bag really. But she can follow a system if 'trained' to do so, so on things we have practiced, she can actually be quite organised.

guerre Mon 11-Apr-16 20:30:14

Sometimes DD needs me to go through steps with her to tackle her room, as she just doesn't know where to start. She has AS, and yes, it can manifest v differently in girls, only you know whether she's just quirky, or something else.

My family includes people with autism, ADHD, dyscalculia, dyslexia and dyspraxia. They're genetically linked conditions (though as far as I know autism clusters with the others; they don't necessarily cluster with autism, if that makes sense). If there are people in your family with similar then please, please don't bin her clothes. Please let it go this once, wash and put away, and seek an urgent referral. If you can afford it, post on SN Children and ask for recommendations for a really good practitioner, and see them privately so you can rely on the results (some private will too readily diagnose, and some NHS are useless and wouldn't know arse from elbow in any but stereotyped cases).

I'm not saying she does. I have no medical qualifications whatsoever and anyone who did wouldn't dream of offering opinions online anyway. I'm just saying that your gut is telling you something is not right, and in my experience decent parents who try all the normal stuff and get to the stage where you are are on to something if their gut says things aren't right. And you need to establish what the story is, because if she has a neurological problem, then punishing her for it will harm, not help.

DS is autistic. Unsupported, he was unravelling fast and becoming a horrible child. He is a delight when understood and in a school where he can feel safe. Shame is toxic for anyone - if your DD has a hidden disability, then she can be supported, too. Her life can be a lot better - so will yours be, too. And if you exclude that possibility, then you can take disciplinary steps with a clear conscience, knowing she can improve her behaviour and is just choosing not to.

Good luck. She's lucky to have a mum this engaged, concerned and open to alternative explanations. I hope things improve for you all, whatever lies behind this.

You could even print her timetable out

You can confiscate her phone. Give her 15 minutes daily to look at her timetable online. Lots of children don't have phones with internet connection. They manage

I think giving away your daughter's possessions (without at least talking to her) is quite controlling and mean tbh.

Middle DS is like this. I just quietly round up all the mess, stuff left lying around the house and let him earn it back as part of a rewards system. His entire match attacks album was particularly painful for him.

Its usually been his prized possessions that i've asked him 100 times to move or put away so I just ask a couple of times now then remove. Remarkably, or not, he's started getting much better at doing things when asked.

I was discussing and messy too. No reason for it, I was bright, well adjusted with good friends but just a slob. My mum did just shut the door but I wonder I if I needed a stronger hand. I don't mean giving or throwing my stuff away but some loose rules. Not sure what I will do when my school are older.

Could you visit the GP for some advice? Perhaps they could offer some counselling or support. Could it be depression or feeling overwhelmed by things?

Shiny I would have moved his Xbox to the bathroom.

I have a brother who used to do that when he had the house to himself, and he wasn't a teenager in his own room with an Xbox, just a dirty fucker.

OP you have my sympathies and if you find a strategy that works would you let me know pls, I have a manky teenager.