We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

You've been promising yourself a long luxurious soak without absolutely no interruptions for...ooh lets see....9 weeks.

You have to buy 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner cos there's no time to wash your hair properly.

There is nothing more painful than a small set of fingers curled around your bottom lip with tiny nails digging in.

Unless it's a small finger and your nostril.

You will become an obsessive buggy buyer.
You lose your sense of humour for sometime after the birth of your first child.
The weight does not just 'drop off' after given birth.
Having a baby is like having the most unreasonable boss who just screams and shouts at you and won't tell you why. There are no appraisals and pats on the back to tell you your'e doing a good job.
You can't resign from this job although sometimes you really want to.
When you have a c-section they shave you with a bic razor and your pubes go into trauma for about a year afterwards.
The first time your child says "Mummy I love you" almost makes up for the horror the rest of the time!
There is nothing more beautiful than watching your sleeping child.
It is reletntless, exhausting, back breaking, challenging, mind numbing at times - but also the most amazing job I will ever have in my life.

You now know why your mother insisted 'bath stuff' was an exciting present, as the chance to have a bath on your own and use it is the highlight of your social life

Do not assume that your little one will eat the lovingly prepared purreed food you have made. r

Do not assume that the lovingly prepared, stock piled frozen supplies of pureed food you have made will pass you you little one lips.........even if they are disguised in his favourite shop bought jar.

kids naturally know the difference between toy mobiles and real mobiles no matter how much interest you show in the toy version!

'anything'!

No matter how avid a reader you were before pregnancy, from the moment of conception onward the only literature you will be able to take on board will be Baby and Child Care by Doctor Knowitall, and the Mothercare catalogue. This mental state will last enything from five to eighteen years, at least.

Your darling child will happily tell whoever phones that you are doing a poo, even if you've just gone into the bathroom to put back the toilet roll said angel has just spread all over the house!

Avoid anyone you've ever slept with till you feel presentable again. Admittedly this may restrict your social circle considerably for some years, but it's far far better than knowing that they're wondering what you look like naked now.

You'll cry, at least a few times, when and because the baby is crying.

It's okay not to instantly fall head over heels in love with your newborn. It will happen eventually and some newborns can be ugly little blighters!

If you have booked your child in for a photographic session, they will head butt a door or scratch their faces to shreds the same day!

that silver thread on your brand new sofa ....
is it a slug? is it a snail? no, it's super snot!

don't leave a new packet of teacakes unattended for a moment or you'll come back to find tiny teethmarks in every one!

Just because you know that certain items can't be flushed down the loo doesn't mean that your wee darling does. Whatever they want to flush, will flush!

My boobs went south and my memory went awol

It is not until you have a baby of your own that you realise it is really interesting to have an hour long conversation about poo over lunch

There is nothing more life-affirming than being a parent (ok I'm allowed one gushy one at least aren't I? )

The carpet will never be the same

The only thing you can say for certain is that nothing is certain and everything is a learning curve.

While a tale of how your baby's nappy exploded so dramatically that he was mustard from the shoulders down and it took three packets of wipes to clean him up will make your NCT group laugh, it should not be shared over dinner with colleagues.

More seriously... you will finally understand just how easy it would be to shake a baby, and the knowledge will scare you.

Message withdrawn

Never store CD's in a rack close to the ground, unless you want to encourage your child to learn to crawl.

Learn how to stimulate your child's projectile vomiting then practise aiming it at anyone who tells you you will soon forget the pain/it needs a sibling/all babies sleep 18 hours.

For the especially obnoxious, feed your child with avocado first.

Threatening to show your episotomy scar generally stops patronising comments about women being wimps during childbirth.

The £50 you spent getting Freeview will rapidly seem like the best investment you ever made as you worship at the temple of CeBeebies.

Whoever invented fridge locks obviously never had to contend with a determined toddler who KNOWS there is yoghurt behind that door.

Your cat will be your baby's first, unrequited love. The cat, however, will suffer from traumatic stress for years after.

Always where white - it hides the milky sick ups!

People tell you your life will never be the same again and they're right, but you wouldn't have it any other way.

You learn not to take things for granted.

you learn how to suck snot from a new borns nose, administer suppositories, get puked over, weed on, pooed on, your not allowed to sleep or do anything for yourself but you've never been so deeply and uncontionally in love with anyone more in your life.

Just when you think you have it sussed they'll throw something new at you but you will cope.