Unpleasant thread answers, but not ‘personal attacks’? Does it make Mumsnet into a place you don’t want to engage with as much, or at all?

I haven't been on MN for long but do tend to think a lot of nasties on here are either fakes or men! 😇
Some idiots/hackers get a kick out of insulting/distressing posters just for the sheer hell of it!
I was shocked how hideous some are.

Saying that most posts are positive, informative & welcomed! 💐
Women tend to write from an emotional perspective, men (generally - not all) are harder and more scathing! The tone of a post is a good give-away to that for me, especially if it reflects a man's bad behaviour! 🤷🏼‍♀️
Pinch of salt springs to mind!

'You need to give your head a wobble' and 'bore off' are two of my personal least faves.

I don’t think I would like Mumsnet to be so strictly moderated. I get annoyed sometimes by another poster hounding me just because they disagree with an opinion I’ve expressed, but try to ignore it. Also I think it’s important when showing vulnerability to remember that not everyone will be kind and supportive.

Perhaps it's an age/confidence thing because I just laugh (I'm 54). I couldn't give AF what someone I don't know says that's derisory to me or about me, and why should I? Why would their opinion matter? I was baited last night and I just think it was funny; I had no inclination to explain myself or justify things at all. Don't feel you have to answer everything, even when they're baiting you for NOT answering.

When I was on HB decades ago in my 30's, I had a very different take. I remember repeatedly seeking out a member called 'ageing Grace' because they were worldly-wise and gave such good advice. There were a few actually who had really insightful advice. I would love to use my learned experience to teach others, but sadly I think most have to walk through it to then really comprehend it.

I do think it is awful at times . I particularly hate those posters who attack a very vulnerable OP who has perhaps not made the wisest of lifestyle choices . For example , why did you have another child when you couldn’t afford the ones you had . There is no point actively attacking someone after the event . I think you can eg gently suggest for them to get contraception sorted out .

I also hate the real judgey posters who know exactly what they would do in any given situation . They also have a go at the Op / others than have not reacted the way that they think they should do .
it is horrible to watch but I do see others as well as myself who will try and be supportive . The difficulty is that the OP will feel under attack and may leave . They will miss out on the supportive comments as they feel under attack from the non supportive ones .
I do always try and go with the mantra of - if you haven’t anything nice to say , don’t say anything at all .
I do try and not to be goady in my posts . I have from time to time however been quoted , when people will deliberately and not always pleasantly tell you - you are wrong and take great pleasure in it .
A lot of people don’t really get the concept of healthy debate , we can disagree and have different points of view with no need for aggression .

This is EXCELLENT advice!

I've been on MN under various names for over 20 years.
I don't think it has got 'worse' - my very first post I put in AIBU as I didn't know & I got pounced on by someone I later learned was MN 'royalty. I'ld posted about something that I was really vulnerable about & it got very nasty indeed.
It used to be much smaller so you could spot / avoid the bullies & had things like regular meetups & secret santa.I've made a few good RL friends via MN.
On the plus side, very little is 'off the table' for discussion which is a refreshing contrast to RL and I have learned a huge amount on here. There is a LOT of knowledge available via MN. It can offer AMAZING advice to someone who is in a bind, stuck in an abusive marriage, needing quick advice/ long term support re a medical/legal situation.It can also offer a bit of fluffy company re tv shows/celeb nonsense if you just feel a bit lonely /bored & want some online company.

I do think the site security is poor and that more needs done / more quickly when the site is hacked (I was one whose online address was hacked & published by 'Fathers for Justice' years ago). It's no longer a wee friendly gathering place but big business and needs to be protected accordingly.

I can't say if it's better / worse than other places as its the only SM I use.

Exactly this.

Mumsnet don't look at anything other than the post that's been reported. So you can watch someone getting bullied on a thread, and the moment they react, the bully reports the reaction to get it removed.

Then, the bully gets even more goady with "well, it appears Mumsnet agrees with me"

I don't know how Mumsnet action it, because it's more time to read several posts than just the one that's waved at you via the report button. Presumably they say they don't have the resources. But this lack of context deletion is a big problem when bullies use it to their advantage, and I do see that a lot.

I think you have to have thick skin to post on here sometimes, and be willing to ignore people who are deliberately trying to get a rise ? Out of you .

it’s a shame as it stops you from having an interesting conversation or exploring different perspectives.

especially True if you have a different opinion from others, there is always someone who will happily quote you and say “oh so this doesn’t matter?!” When you absolutely did not say that something didn’t matter, just offering a different perspective/point

it’s definitely a new idea to some that people can have different opinions and views, and both sides be valid.

it’s probably also true that we often post on here when we are feeling stressed/ strong feelings, which heightens everything

I don't mind a flippant comment but I do mind ad hominem attacks based on interpreting my thread or comments in bad faith. I really feel that some people wake up looking for a fight.

Then the thread gets derailed in personal attacks and accusations. It's tedious for readers and op when it's a verbal pingpong match between 2 or 3 posters. Like, grow up! You can have different views and it doesn't mean you're a bad person for it, if it's offensive just report it.

I have deleted my account when I felt it was getting too much but invariably, I get drawn back to sign up again from reading a new thread that I feel I have something I'd really like to say to the op that hasn't been said already by other comments. Or when I want to view all the op's comments on a long thread and get tired of clicking and scanning page by page.

Can’t say it bothers me, I wouldn’t use the internet at all if it did.
It’s clear some are being nasty for nasty sake, who cares just think what unpleasant little lives they must have.
There’s still good advice on here.

There are a lot of people who call “unpleasant “ when they just mean I don’t agree with at all. Some people get upset if the OP actions are criticised.

there are people presenting as vulnerable and giving vibes of entitled self centred grabber - it may be that you interpret what they say differently

there are also stirrers but they are best ignored

I think if a poster is following someone around to take pot shots that should be detected and removed - I often wonder at the history there - although I have name changed before now where I realised a TRA was targeting me

I think one of the issues is that people don’t report such posts. And another is that there seems to be an assumption that ALL threads/posts are moderated. Mumsnet isn’t a pre-moderated site (it couldn’t possibly be, with so many posters/posts), and therefore posts only get deleted, or posters banned, if they’re reported to MNHQ.

I actually quite like the bluntness at times. Often a blunt, straight to the point answer is really what's needed.

eg
My boyfriend has done xxx (insert a long list of unacceptable, abusive behaviour). What should I do?

Leave him he's a shit.

I've no problem with that.

Any very personal comments or rudeness unnecessarily directed at the OP isn't really on.

This is a good post.

Yes, there’s a lot of that ‘you sound …’ stuff. And also ‘you’re probably the type of person who …’ (insert disproportionately ridiculous claim here.)

I definitely think it puts posters off seeking advice or support. I’m on a couple of Facebook pages for support regarding my youngest son’s OCD and it can get a bit snarky sometimes. People can be surprisingly judgemental about the stuff other parents struggle with. But it’s NOTHING compared to what I see on here. I find it very hard not to respond to the nasty comments, especially if they are directed specifically towards me, but also if I see a poster being deliberately misinterpreted (it’s always obvious) or bullied. I then find myself embroiled in some ridiculous exchange and I let it affect me because I have a tendency to take things to heart. It’s the unnecessarily aggressive nature of some comments that I take issue with. I am learning not to respond but it’s not easy.

There are a few ways to reduce your exposure to gratuitously unpleasant people on MN.

1. Hide AIBU permanently so you never see those threads at all: https://www.mumsnet.com/settings/hidden-threads
2. Follow topics you actively enjoy and read My Feed instead of Active Conversations https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/my-feed/following
3. Every time some utter dick shits up a thread, hide that thread instead of responding. You will soon forget.

Over time, these three things will radically change your experience of MN. The nicest threads are always long running threads on a specific topic where people get to know each other. The nastiest are always the most active threads because fighting is the most energetic post style. So those always pop up on Active over and over.

Yes, this absolutely. I think that anyone itching to be nasty who spots an unanswered OP feels a bit like a bully in the school cloakroom when there is just one other person there.
Good opportunity to get the knives out!
If there are a few normal replies before the wannabe cruel poster arrives, they probably have a feeling of being watched and an awareness that they might get called out.

I think there are a lot more passive-aggressive responses these days. A lot start with the phrase “you sound…” horrible/mean/unhinged/desperate/cruel etc. I ignore any posts like that but it’s a snidey and sneaky way to respond.