What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

my mother is still alive but has slight dementia and is an alcoholic, I went to see her last year for the first time in 21 years and I didnt ask her any of the questions i'd wanted to ask.

if i could pluck up the courage i would ask...

• why did you leave when i know you loved my dad so much and probably me too

• were the things you told me about your childhood and my grandfather really true?

• what happened to all the photos you had of my brother and sisters and me?

• could you REALLY not have stopped drinking when it meant you lost so much

• are you really my biological mum (complicated one that one!)

• have you any photos of my dad when he was young

• where is that saphire ring you promised i could have you old bat!?

Oh Chinchi second dippy, it does get easier. Still floors me sometimes though, all this time later.

chinchi,it gets a little easier hun (((hug 4 u))) xxx

My mum died aged 39 when I was 18. She will have been dead for 20 years this August.

I've found that I miss her so much more now I have a child. I really want to know all about her own pregnancies, labour and how we were as children. I'd also like to know what she thought of my dad (they were so different, they never seemed to quite fit)and what her aspirations were.

Not sure of this is relevant as it's more what like would be like were she still here, but I would love to experience her coming to my house and us having a girly weekend together as I have inherited a lot of her interests. I'd love her to know DP and DS, and them to know her.

I lost my mum when she was 38 and i was 11 if she were here now id ask her was she proud of me? i live my life very differently to her and although i suspect she had more fun i wouldnt leave my children not knowing even the basic facts that were withheld from me.

My mum in law died aged 63 and i was 21 id hug her close and tell her that her shoes were to big to fill but id do my best.

My mother's still a live but she's ageing now and I just want to say how this has really opened my eyes and how much I'll miss her when she's gone. I'm going to be asking her so many of these questions.

Chinchi, I am sure she knew just how much you loved her

Sorry- my reply defeated the object of the post. Id ask her if she knew just how much I love her.

I lost my Mum less than 3 months ago to cancer. She was 56, Im 23.

I wouldnt ask her anything. Given 5 minutes, Id hold her close, smell her hair and tell her how much I love her.

Bugger- Im sat here in floods of tears.

My mother died when she was 60 and I was 27.
I grew up with my mum always in and out of hospital and having home visits from the doctor.
I went on to have 2 children whom she never met and I feel really sad about that most days that she never got to see how wonderful they are and they never got to know how wonderful there grandmother was.
You grow up imagining how it will be when you have children of your own and how your parents will react with your children.
But I never got to experience this and that is one thing I really which we could have had.

My DS has special needs and am constantly being asked by professionals about my school days etc and health and I don't have anyone to ask.
My father died 4 years later.
They had been married for 44 years.

My mum had 6 children and the questions I would ask are

1.How did you cope?

2.What was I really like as a child?

3.What sort of mother do you think I will make?

4.What was your secret for a long marriage?

My mum died in hospital and my 2 sisters were there with her but I was working at the time and no one rang me to say she was dying.
She had been in hospital so many times and always came out only this time she did'nt.
My sisters came to meet me after work and I knew.
So my last question would be to ask my mum

1. You do know that I love you don't you?

AS I did'nt get the chance to tell her.

My Mum died 3 years ago, there is nothing major that I would like to have asked her, we were very close and had great conversations (luckily)
I just want to have another random conversation with her really!!
Actually, just thought of one..........what did she want us to do with her ashes....my sister and I still cant decide, so she is in a wardrobe in my house.

I'd ask her about how she felt when she gave birth to her third daughter. I have three boys and, although I sometimes think about what it would be like to have a daughter, I also think that a dd would change the dynamics of my family. Did she feel the same way about having a boy?

Actually, I don't know why I'm saying I would ask her. She's still alive, so perhaps I should!

My mum died when she was 49 and I was 19, and my dad although he outlived her by some years, just couldn't recall any detail when I asked him some questions!

I'd like to know a bit more about how I was when I was little.. I'd like her to look at my DDs and say 'oh god, I can remember you were like that' or 'DD1 reminds me of blah-blah when she says that'.

I'd like to be able to draw some parallels with her about pregnancy and motherhood. I'm naturally a very independent person - out of circumstance more than anything else, but I'd like to have just chewed the fat with her about stuff. I have no-one really, other than DP, to whom I can twitter on about the minutiae of the DCs life - well not without them glazing over eventually. I would guess that as a grandmother, she'd have indulged me!

It would just be nice to have a point of reference.

Oh and I'd aks her to tell me about boyfriends she'd had before she met my dad.

My mum died of breast cancer when she was 55 and I was 22. I didn't have children at the time but she did get to know my dp who I had then been with for 2 1/2 years.

We didn't get much notice before she died as we thought she was remission but she began feeling ill again and went into hospital the day after my 22nd Birthday (the Friday) and she died the following Friday in a hospice. When she was with it, before the morphine fog she told me that she'd wanted to write me a letter to keep but didn't have the strength anymore.

She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me. Looking back I wish i'd made more of those last few days with her but I was young and my life had been thrown up in the air. My dad had died when I was fifteen and I was an only child so I wasn't thinking straight. I wish I'd asked her so much more whilst I had the chance but even before she went into hospital I was more interested in going out and partying then having a conversation with my mum.

I think the time I would have appreciated her most was when I became a mother myself. I now understand her so much more and wish I could tell her this. I want to tell her how much I admire her for doing it on her own for the seven years after my dad died.

I wish i'd asked more about when I was a baby and more about her pregnancy which I know was tough as she got pre eclampsia and a thrombosis so was in hospital for months before I was born 4 weeks prem. I don't however know if she went into labour naturally or was induced or much about the birth itself which I would love to know.

I would ask her about me as a baby and a toddler.

I would ask her if she was pleased that I have chosen to be a sahm and put my career on hold like she did for my early childhood even though she fought to make sure I got to university so i'd get a good job.

I'd be able to see her reaction to the births of her grandchildren, my dd who looks so much like my mum and my two dss. My mum had always wanted a boy. I'd have asked her to hold my hand as I pushed each one of them out knowing I was safe with her there.

I'd ask her when she started the menapause. If she ever felt old or if she still felt the same as when she was in her twenties. I'd talk to her about how she feels about death and how she managed never to be frightened by it even before she got ill. I'd ask her how she coped with her roken heart after my dad died.

I'd also ask her who the man from work was that asked her out to the theatre and for a drive in the country who she refused because she thought I would have been upset. I only found this out after she had died from her best friend and it made me so sad because nothing would have made me happier to see my mum have a bit of romance in her life.

I bought one of these books ("The Grandparents Book" for my mum plus MIL when ds was born

my MIL's has sunk without trace - my mum has done about 3 pages

if you could include something in your piece about how to get them to fill the bugger IN that would be much appreciated Justine

That is very true about the photos Carrie - I have albums of ancient photos from my grandmother that I don't really want to throw out - but at the same time they are meaningless because no one is alive who can say who is in all the photos - it's such a great shame

My mum also died of cancer - she was 43 and I was 22 at the time.

I really wish I could have asked her all those questions you want to ask when you are pregnant - all about her experiences when she had my brothers and me. I would also liked to have known more about her relationship with her own mum who is still alive but has lost her speech due to a stroke. I also had lots of questions for her when I was getting married about how she felt getting married aged 18. The one thing that still upsets me is that I had a termination aged 18 (was in a bad realtionship and had a place in college) and my mum supported me but I always felt that she wanted me to have the baby. I would like to have asked her if she really thinks that I did the right thing. My mum loved children and sometimes when I am feeling maudlin I think about robbing her of her only chance to be a grandmother before she died as I know it would have brought her so much joy. On the other hand I have a very good life - great husband and 2 beautiful children which I may not have had otherwise. But there is always that thing in the back of my mind...

Oh yes, wisteria - that's good - "What would you have done differently?" I imagine there would have been v different answers to that one, depending on when in my mother's life you asked.

I bought a book like this for my father not long before he died (think it was called the grandparents book) but he never filled it in. I so so wish he had, and I do intend to go through it and at least fill in what I know about his family.

Anyway, for the mother's thing. Given one more afternoon and a cup of tea with my mother, I would ask the following:

What was I like as a child? Did I talk/teethe/walk etc on time or late? Was I nice to be around?

What do you think of your grandchildren? How do they make you feel?

What do you think of the lives your daughters live now?

Why did you emigrate from Canada to England, swearing to never go back? Something to do with terrible relationship with parents and a failed love affair, I think, but I would like to know.

How did you really feel about your father refusing to allow you to continue with education after 16?

The full story of meeting and marrying my father.

How did my sister become such a dominant, difficult force in our family? Do you think it is her personality, or did nurture play a part?

What was being a working mother in the 60s and 70s like? Do you feel it was the right choice?

Sorry - that's a bit long - I have a lot I would like to, heavy stuff as well as little things like what is the recipe for those frankfurter things I love.

My mother died of cancer when I was 16. I went through years of guilt afterwards because I had been a wild, rebellious, stroppy teenager and must have made her already hard life a lot harder. Now I have my very own stroppy, rebellious, teenage daughter and I've worked out that my behaviour really didn't matter - that parents love you despite anything and everything. So I wish I'd talked to my Mum about that, and about how she'd been as a teenager.

She had a brief, unhappy marriage to my father and I wish I knew more about that - they were a very unlikely couple (he really quite posh, public school, expat family; her a working class grammar school girl) and I've never really understood how or why they got married. My father died 5 years ago, but he never talked about my mother.

I'm sure there are many more things - The Mothers Book sounds like a wonderful idea.

What she'd have done differently in her life and whether she wished she had left my Dad and got on with her own life - we did talk a lot anyway about such things but I never truly understood her motives.

I would love to know how she would cope with a rebellious teen now, on the back of what she learnt from my errant behaviour