What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

I guess this is different because my mother is alive (thank God). I can't really imagine actually asking these, but anyway:

You do know I love you, don't you?

Be honest - I am your favourite child, aren't I?

Why exactly did you think Dad was the right man for you? Was it just circumstances and stuff that drove you apart, or do you think you could never have been happy with him?

Would you really like to marry your boyfriend, or are you basically happier how things are?

These posts have made me teary, but in a strange way comforted.
None of my friends have lost their mothers - and a lot of them moan about their Mums and lack of babysitting/too much interference etc etc and I just want to yell at them "Be grateful they exist!". So while I'm so sorry for everyone's losses, it's been sort of nice to realise I'm far from alone and that a lot of the thoughts, questions and regrets I've had are normal and natural.
And Dosydot - see my post of 09.48 - I don't know if you have daughters or teenagers, but whatever you did it as a teenager would not have contributed and would not have stopped her loving you.

Justine - for your box of ten questions I would ask - "On which day were you happiest?" or perhaps ask her to describe her perfect day. I have no real idea what truly made my mother happy and I would like to know.

Also - "Tell me something about yourself that would surprise me" I remember finding out after she died that she could play Clair de Lune on the piano - I knew she had been "good at the piano" when she was younger, but she never played, never made time to, and I never realised she was almost concert standard.

My mother is very much alive but we have no contact for many reasons.

I would like to ask her

Is she happy?
If she could go back, would she change anything/do anything differently?
I would like to ask why she couldn't find the strength/courage to say sorry, live by herself and stand on her own 2 feet.

Most of all

...does she miss me?

My DH often wishes (among a great many other things!) that he'd asked his mum how to make meringues and choux pastry.

We lost MIL suddenly 17 months ago to a brain haemorrhage. DH, who is a fantastic cook and takes after her in this, has gradually started baking as well, as a sort of tribute to his mum, and much to the DC and my culinary delight, obviously! He has been very successful in reproducing some of her wonderful specialities eg, vanilla slices, chocolate cakes and parkin. But he can't get the meringues right, or the choux pastry.

One of her photos is stuck to the wall in the kitchen as he likes to glance, and sometimes talk to her as he bakes. At his last attempt at choux pastry she muct have been quite disgusted because the photo came off the wall and fluttered down onto the surface in front of DH!

She may have been similarly disgusted at other family members' attempts to manage without her skills. On last Christmas day, our second without her, as quite a few of the family sat down to Christmas dinner (not us; we didn't travel up there that time), SIL was moaning that she hadn't got the stuffing "like mum did it.." and a light bulb fell out of the fixture above the table, INTO the stuffing!!! MIL clearly agreed!

I find mothers day very bitter sweet as well having been able to ignore it for 15years I now have the joy of being a mum but also have the reminder that mine is gone

I am surprised how many of us are in similar situations as well WW.
Maybe its because we dont have a mum to ask all these is this normal questions to, that we are MN regulars!

Chinchi x

i wasnt 2....... i was 20 !

Am sitting here sobbing (silently so as not to wake DD sleepin in my arms) whilst reading this, so many comments from others which are 'exactly' what i am thinking, its makes me so sad and realise i do so miss her.

My mum died of breast cancer, she was 48, i was 2. Before i was married or had even met DH, before DD, in fact before my adult life had really begun.

So many things i would ask...much to do with motherhood and marraige. What was it like for you as a mum? breast or bottle? When did i crawl/walk? Since my DD was born have looked at many old photos of me and my brother, seeign similarirties between us and my DD. I would love for her to be able to comment on my DD and make coparisons, meet her ...see my mum as a grandma.
How did she feel on her wedding day? More about her early life with my Dad. You take all these things for granted and then when theyre gone its too late and theres noone left to ask.

Must stop now, have to go out shortly and at this rate will have very red eyes

My mother is alive and im thinking of getting her this book for mothers day as there are some questions i want to know aswell, some being:

"How did you feel becoming a grandmother at a young agae and what did you really wish for me in life"

"why do you feel as if you need a man to rely on even when there bad for you"

"are you proud of me and my life or do you think i could do better?"

My mother died (mesothilioma + ovarian cancer) at 51 when I was 21 - there seem to be an awful lot of us here who lost their mothers in late teens/early 20s.

With reference to another thread today, I'd like to ask if she still thinks changing my name when I was 1½ was a good idea

Mum died age 43 and I was eighteen.
I would ask her if she regretted dying, and if she knew she was mentally ill.
All the things about raising children
what would she have changed about her life if anything
DId she love us
was I a bitch at the end(many teenage emotions ) of your life and did I contribute to your death

I also want to no what 'being in service' was really like, Gran mentioned it once and then said she got married (actually she got pregnant had the baby and married someone else) but thats another story.

Mum and Gran are still alive, so I can't really help. But I would like to ask my Gran what birth actually was like for her, which was triggered by another thread here

My mum died when I was 19, she was 47.
I wish i had known what my birth was like, what I was like as a baby, how long she breast fed for etc and how she managed.

One page was -not- different though. Sorry.

"Would you babysit the kids for me"

My Mum died at 54 of cancer and she knew she was going to die. We did a lot of talking for which I am immensely grateful.
She had a very difficult life one way and another but she had amazing strength and she is certainly my inspiration.

After she died we found a notebook which was mostly blank. (I am a writer of journals, she was not). On the first four pages she had written poignant and personal words of wisdom. Literally one line on each page. I will always cherish that book.
One page was not different though it said 'please god let me live to see the children grow up' (meaning her grandchildren) & just thinking about it now has me in floods of tears. She faced her illness amazingly and seeing those words on the page breaks my heart because I know how she faught to stay alive.

I agree with loujay, I would just love to have any random conversation with my Mum.

However, going through difficulties with my own teenage daughter I constantly wish Mum was here to give me advice so, probably, my questions would be about how she learned to let us go whilst maintaining a closeness with us which stayed throuoghout our adult lives.

My mum died when I was 25 and she was 64. I am an only child and have no extended family so I have no family to exchange memories with.

We always talked about things so I know alot about her life and views. Mum spent her last few months (when she knew she was terminally ill) preparing a memory book for me. It mainly concentrates things we did together when I was young and shared memories we had. There are two areas she did not have time to cover that I regret

The first area is the stories behind the many heirlooms and artifacts collected on her travels. I have inhertied them all and I love them, but there are boxes and boxes of stuff from the years she spent travelling the Middle East and I know there are stories behind the acquisition and importance of each one. She told me some of these stories but I know I have forgotten details.

The second area is that I never really talked to Mum about the details of her pregnancy, birth and what I was like as a baby. I would love to know whether my pregnancy complications were hereditary, what I was like to BF, why she stopped BFing, what kind of sleeper I was etc? All the things you get obsessed with as a new Mum. I also wish I knew how she tackled sleep issues, weaning, tantrums - most girls get to benefit from their Mum's experience in bringing them up but I never will.

However, the things I regret most are things I never said to her, rather than things she never said to me. Its only since I had DD that I realise how much my Mum must have sacrificed to bring me up. She was a single Mum after my Dad died. She had no family support and she also had to work full time. Yet neither her grief nor her schedule got in the way of her being incredibly loving and attentive. She did so much for me, (including setting up a progessive primary school for me to attend!). I just wish I could thank her properly now that I better understand the efforts she made.

I would have loved to have asked her everything - all about herself - about me and my sister when we were small and what she wanted for us in our lives!

She was killed in a RTA when I was 11 months old so no chance to ask anything!

I would also have liked to have asked her why she married such a (my father) - but maybe he wouldn't have been such a if she hadn;t have died!

What were your dreams and aspirations when you were a girl?

Is there anything you would have done differently?

If she could have done anything in her life differently, what that would be?

If she had to give me one piece of advice, what would that be?