What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

I looked in Saturday's Telegraph and couldn't find it either. Which one was it in?

Justine I bought the Telegraph.. struggled manfully (or womanfully!) with its impractical broadsheet size (tabloid girl, me .. not that I buy one at all normally!) and I can't find your piece!??

Have checked the half-rainforest worth of supplements too!

Am I looking with my eyes shut?

You did mean yesterday's telegraph didn't you? In order to give people time to buy the book for Mother's Day next weekend I assumed... or Oh! Did you mean Saturday's?

What a beautiful, moving idea. I think I will have to buy a mother's book for my children and in my quiet moments fill it in and tuck it away.

My mother died at 52 when I was 17. There is so much I should have asked. Years on, I cannot now hear her voice, see her handwriting or recall her smell.

Carriesmumnet & Prufrock in their earlier posts have asked all that I didn't.

what is the recipe for that soup?

I know its trivial but I'd really love to make it now. I had loads of things to ask her when the children were little but I've forgotten those now.

Me and my sister still have conversations where we say "oh mum would have known that" even after 16 years

I have bought the book for mothers day for my mom.

I would ask what was their happiest memory as a child.

I know this might sound bad, but I have just searched for this thread because I saw it and thought how sad, but then

today with Mothering Sunday coming up I have bought 2 x A5 handmade journals which I am going to give as presents to MIL and my mum and ask them to answer some of these questions and add some of their own personal accounts of childhood.

I will then pass the journals to my dds to keep.

Thank you MN for the inspiration.

BecauseImWorthIt - it wasn't self indulgent at all. Threads like this give us all an opportunity to write things down, I know that it helps me..

My mum was exactly the same, and my biggest regret is that I didn't push hard enough to find out how ill she really was. In fact I let my brother take her to the appointments (I had a small baby at the time) and he seemed to bury his head in the sand, so I still didn't release just how ill my mum was until it was too late to do anything about it at all..

I was cross with my mum for a while that she didn't share with me and let me help her at first - but did get through this and realised that was the way my mum was - she was a mother first and last.. She tried to protect me...

I would really like to have asked her how she felt about dying, as she wouldn't talk about it at all, I think though most of my questions would have to be asked after she died (if that makes sense) so no good for the book at all!

Sorry, all that was a bit self indulgent really.

I would love, now that I think I'm starting it, to ask my mother about the menopause.

All that I know is the she was on HRT (which is why I am avoiding it like the plague).

But she never told me why, or when she started her symptoms, or what it was like.

All that I know is that I really don't want to have HRT because of my fear of contracting cancer.

My mum died from advanced brest cancer almost 4 years ago. We were very close and talked on the phone almost every day. I had moved away from home (Leeds) to London some 20 years or so earlier.

We were always close, but our relationship had developed into something akin to sisters, I suppose. But when she was first diagnosed she became very maternal, and spent much of her time trying to reassure me and make me feel OK about things, rather than confiding in me or telling me what was really going on.

As we lived so far away, when she was having her chemotherapy it was very difficult for us to visit her, as the risk of introducing 'alien' germs was too high.

So fast forward 5 years, after she thought she was ok (she had been given her all clear) she was very suddenly diagnosed with advanced breast cancer - which had spread to her bones and her liver.

I was, immediately, her daughter again - not someone she confided in. And I now realise just how alone she must have been and felt. She really didn't confide in anyone, as she really did realise how serious her condition was and how poor her prognosis was. Her only concern - silly woman! - was to think about the rest of us.

Paradoxically, because I was the only one of the family not living close by, I did realise (although I hadn't been told) just how serious things must be. Very sadly my father didn't - and still doesn't - quite get it.

She had an operation to remove a tumour from her spinal cord which, in itself, could have killed her. She recovered incredibly quickly, without even having to be in intensive care. Sadly, after her first bout of chemotherapy and Herceptin she contracted an infection and died within 3 days.

So although we knew that her disease was terminal, we were all expecting that she would have at least a year of so.

Long story short - traumatic for all of us, obviously, but the really awful thing about all of this was that she had spent so much of her time 'being strong' that my father really thought that her operation had cured her. (Goodness only knows what he thought the chemotherapy was for). So he was totally distraught when she died as - as far as he was concerned - the cancer had been cured.

Goodness me, I'm not really sure where this is going - other than I wish I could really have talked with my mum about what was going on. I thought we had a really close relationship, but ultimately this was totally overtaken by her feeling that she had to protect the rest of us from her suffering.

I miss her so much.

I have just ordered the book for my mum We are close but we clash like hell because we are so similar.. and this thread has reminded me to value her while I can.

ive read and contributed to this but i thought id add something i read somewhere and at the time it didnt make me realise but now it does......when you have your mum youre always a little girl,youre always a daughter, when shes gone who tells you if its right or wrong? who can you hug whatever your age whatever your situation and know that she will do all she can to help you,when you have a mum youre safe in being loved,and when shes gone the mountains you face seem 3x bigger,thats a mums job-walking those mountains and maing them feel like hills.

i realise not every mum is like this indeed my own mum probably wasnt but some mums really are fantastic.

Not too long and sentimental at all, kinki. Exactly the questions I would ask my mum who dies in an RTA 3 months ago. Am in floods of tears at the whole thread.

The two teddies are a lovely idea. I have 4 children's books my mum sent to me for my newborn dd, which arrived after she died (took a week, being sent to the other side of the world). I still can't bear to look at them or read them at them at the moment but hope that in years to come I'll be able to read them to my dd adn tell her about her lovely granny who sent them to her.

I would ask my lovely mum:

1 am I doing ok?
2 are you proud of me?
3 am I doing a good job bringing up my dc?
4 were you happy in life?
5 what were my dbs and I like as babies/kids?
6 what was my gp's life like?
7 did she know how much I loved her?
8 did she know that I know how much she loved me?
9 does she mind that I don't get to her memorial tree as much as I should?

She died at 50 after a short illness, I was 26. In the last week of her life we talked a lot. She told me she had only 3 regrets in her whole life. One, for my older db - she would never see his ds grow up (he was 8mths old and her only gc, she now has 8gc). Two, for my other db - she would never meet his future wife. Three, for me - she would never meet my dc.

We talked at length about the dc I would eventually have. She was sure I'd have 2 ds's. She sent me away to buy 2 special teddies which she then spent the last week of her life cuddling. I was to give them to my future ds's; it was her way of giving them a teeny piece of her, a bit of continuity. And yes they are much treasured by my ds's.

So I suppose the 10th question I'd ask her is 'how come you can't count to 3?!' I've got 3 ds's, not 2. (Though I'm impressed she knew it would be boys). The final part of the story is that her sisters gave me the money to buy a special teddy for ds3 from her.

Actually, thinking about my questions, scrap them, I probably know the answers to most of them. I know I'm doing ok, yes she'd be proud of me, of course she knew how much I love her etc etc. I guess asking those questions would be to get a little piece of reassurance from her. A little piece of mother's love. The same that can be found in a cuddle, a knowing look, a stroke of the face, a wiping away of a tear, a little smile. God, how I miss all that.

Tis empowering to know though, that one day my dc will (hopefully) view me in a similar way.

Sorry. Too long. Too sentimental. Too sad.

Oh yes definitely.

and a hug.

Wouldn't you do anything for a cup of tea together though?

bit late
but I have to post.
I would ask her if she was proud of me and db.
I would ask her to tell me about when she was younger.

I would tell her I loved her and tell her how proud I was to be her daughter.

my mum died in 2005 just before my DD was born. we didnt have a good relationship and i thought it was because she didnt love me. Since she has died i now realise she loved me TOO much! I have lists as long as my arms of things i would want to ask. So many questions about what i was like as a baby which im sure she did tell me but as a teen i didnt listen! So many blurred memories that i would love to have put right but that is never going to happen now.

Agree Stleger - no-one really understands except for others who have lost their mum early. I have made a good friend here at work because she also lost her mum young and she feels I'm the only person she can talk to about it.

agree re the photos (who are they, can I chuck them out?), what do you think of all your grandchildren - there are 7 and she didn't meet my 3 at all. Why did you take me to that awful dentist? Why is it that when I write your name it looks exactly like your handwriting and not mine? (And for the others here - when your mum dies young and you are still in your teens and twenties it is lonely isn't it?)

My mum died when I was 32 and she was 56, she had breast cancer.
Questions;

1. What do you wish you'd done differently when you were rearing us?
2. Was dad really as much use as a chocolate teapot or was that just an impression you gave?
3. Did you regret marrying him?
4. Do you wish you'd been less controlling of me?
5. Was I a terrible teenager?
6. Who do my children remind you of?
7. How would you like to be remembered?
8. How do I make chocolate cake/a roast dinner/a cardigan/rice pudding like you did?
9. Do you think it'll work out if we move to New Zealand?

sorry this is really only for those who have lost their mums isn't it.

sorry