The Sex topic - an update on moderation

I was referring to PMs specifically related to posts on the sex board @MovingonfromMartin but no, it doesn't matter now in light of the update.

This is a massive site. The traffic must be astronomical while I am sorry some people had PM that were unpleasant, causes of these PM are not known.

You have what you want now anyway.

Many of us have noticed a marked change in tone and feel to comments and interactions on other areas on the board. Myself, for about a year now. Anecdotal, of course. But still a valid observation!

Once a space becomes a male space, tone changes. Dynamics will be markedly different. And no, I’m not going to join the dots on it. You either understand or you don’t. If you don’t, you won’t even if I explain it to you.

I’m also not going to explain why matters around sex might require different rules. Again, you either get it or you don’t.

I’m not going to explain why a gardening or dogs topic is not the same as setting up a space to specifically and openly, with ‘permission’ from the bosses, become about sleaze (at least in part - and I’m not tarring everyone with that brush. But it’s clearly there!) and why the latter is not considered by a whole lot of people to be appropriate on a parenting/women’s forum.

I’m not going to explain why the Sex topic will likely become completely ineffectual at offering its original intended aim. We’ve had clear demonstration of that already this week.

It would be helpful if, once you (the collective you) have apparently benefited from feeling safe to discuss sex/find likeminded people/however the sex chat or topic itself has helped you, you would at least attempt to meet halfway in extending that safety to other women when they say they don’t feel safe, they don’t like being sent creepy and intrusive PMs, and they aren’t comfortable with how men are behaving in this space which has always been predominantly female and predominantly for mothers/women. Some of you have (@Mermaidparades I think? ) but others absolutely have not. And that’s just plain wrong.

This site will change beyond all recognition if it becomes a known vehicle for more and more sleazy men to congregate and find their kicks/engage in their kinks. Some might have no problem with how that changes things. But many, many women will. With very good reason.

Mind you it’s too late now. Whatever MNHQ do to try to mitigate (if they bother to do anything at all) the damage is done.

There are opposing opinions on whether the sex chat/hook up thread(s) should stand. Everyone has a right to their opinion and a right to voice it. What actually happens in that regard is for MNHQ to decide.

However leaving it to stand will make an absolute mockery of any other threads being deleted for ‘not being in the spirit’.

Perhaps MNHQ should just change their moderation policy all together and let everything stand. Since this is a site for grown-ups.

@OneOfEachPlease I may be mistaken but i don’t think anyone is saying the whole topic should be deleted.

So the sex chat has gone, the sex board has gone from active. That is surely what posters wanted?

I really hope the argument doesn't now move on to getting rid of the sex topic completely..

Oh great, not before time!

I mean surely @MovingonfromMartin you aren't saying that women's stories of the PMs they've received don't count because they're 'anecdotal evidence'? Because that's ridiculous.

It's gone at the moment. I wonder if there will be any changes, positive or negative, to any MN users. It will be interesting to see.

Well as the famous quote goes ''You would say that wouldn't you''

I was ambivalent about deleting the thread before - the latest interventions from you and other afficianados haven't really helped your cause [shrug]

What do you mean, the stats? Someone on the thread has counted the married men on there. So that's a number to go off. Several women have shared their experience of PMs on the threads - only MN could give you the stats on how many PMs have been reported if you want the actual number though.

@ProbablyNotAGoodIdea I know that my view on this is going to lead to me being infantilised yet again, but ‘dead bedrooms’ and staying married for the sake of the family is a thing. The sexual side of my life is so important to me, I can understand how people become desperate for intimacy and attention to truly feel alive. That isn’t me being a’pick me girl’ . I’m lucky to be in a long term blissful relationship, I do not want to be picked 😄

And I'm firmly of the opinion that it should stay.

The same people can argue over and over again for both sides. MN get the choice

@ProbablyNotAGoodIdea that's anecdotal evidence. Show me the stats

I don’t care if the sex chat stays or goes. Not something I read. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that the sex topic should be deleted. The sex topic was a sleepy backwater with a new thread or two, max, a week. People did start dodgy threads - as they do on AIBU - and those were reported/deleted/had no engagement apart from people challenging them. And one challenge and the thread would fizzle.

MN have consistently said that people on the sex threads do report and delete things.

Theres a lot of ‘but if you don’t do what I say X could happen’ on this thread where X hasn’t happened. I think that’s drowning out valid points as people find the hyperbole/what-if-ery/ and fabrications distracting/offensive.

It definitely can go on forever! But my question now is why Mumsnet are hosting a thread that breaks the rules they've just announced and I do think it's fair to expect an answer to that.

And married men looking to cheat via a parenting website do deserve derision and contempt, what else would you feel for them?

This argument can go on ad finitum, bottom line is that currently Mumsnet are hosting the thread. The posters there did not set out to scandalise the rest of the website. They were just doing their thing. They don’t deserve derision or contempt.

It's about 10% actually. But even so, that's not entirely the point.

The point is that it has become a hook up thread. The current thread was started by a man looking for a hook up.

If people want to meet other people for sex, there are plenty of websites where you can do that.

But there is obviously some demand from women as well, even if its only 20% of the users on the board.

@Thisismysexforumname

The sex chat thread was never intended as a hook up thread, it started off originally as someone reminiscing about the old only chat rooms and it evolved from there.

It might not have been intended that way but that's what it's become. 80% of posts on there are from men looking for women to talk to, most of whom say they're married but bored.

It's the antithesis of everything this site is supposed to stand for.

Thanks to the self appointed ambassadors on this thread from the Sex board -

I'm now firmly of the opinion that the sex chat/hook up thread should go

Lots of threads get deleted for ''not being in the spirit'' without all this fuss

Data: multiple women have shared that they've received harassing PMs as a result of the sex board. Someone on the sex chat thread has compiled the ratio of married/attached men posting on there looking to cheat compared to women and surprise, surprise! (Married men outweigh married women enormously and men outnumber women on there by a vast amount). By definition, a man posting in search of 'any available female' or because he's 'not getting any at home' is a creep and the thread exists largely for their gratification. You might find validation from their attention, but their presence is deeply disturbing to many women.

It's sinister and unsafe that people are using MN for hook ups and affairs. It attracts predators to a site full of vulnerable people. It's notable that the same few people defend this and have no care that they are destroying a space meant for women. Then again, MN itself doesn't seem to care.

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet You invited questions on this thread. Could you please answer them? I particularly want to know the rationale for allowing the hook up threads to stand.

Please provide me with the data that shows any bloke who posts is creepy and that people are being harassed by PMs. That is your opinion but it's not a fact.

I actually post on both the sex chat board and and in other threads in the sex topic and I have not been harassed by anybody, creepy or otherwise by PMs. That is a fact.

*old online chatrooms

Exactly @MovingonfromMartin I have been on MN for years, under various names and contribute regularly to the "normal" forums under my normal nn.

The sex thread is one part of the site, and if it had not had been out in active, no one, apart from those who actively visit, would be none the wiser.

Parents can talk about sex, and even hook up if they wish. The sex chat thread was never intended as a hook up thread, it started off originally as someone reminiscing about the old only chat rooms and it evolved from there.

If people abuse it, then absolutely they should be reported and banned, but on the whole, that thread and the sex board in general is friendly, helpful and supportive. I have seen a lot more abuse on the AIBU section, but I dont report everything I see on there, but it is not my interest.

Its a shame the chat board has caused such an uproar and is likely to get pulled by the opinions of a few, but I suppose thats life. Luckily I have made some good friends from that thread, who I can chat to outside of this site, about anything and everything, not just sex.