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The Sex topic - an update on moderation

465 replies

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 01/03/2023 09:43

Hi everyone.

Thanks for all your comments over the past week regarding the Sex board. It’s become clear from the discussion that we needed a rethink about our approach to this part of the site and so we’re going to introduce some rules to help ensure that posters can get the support and advice they need from the board and that everyone has clear expectations of the behaviour we expect.

Posters must be at least 18 years of age - Mumsnet has always been a site for adults but we want to be crystal clear about this for this board.

The board is text based - we don’t allow NSFW (not safe for work) images.

We don’t allow links to any NSFW sites or personal profiles on other sites

We will not tolerate creepy or harassing behaviour in particular from male posters

We’ve also had concerns raised about the ongoing ‘sex chat threads’ including the risks involved with allowing users to PM each other. Our approach has always been to allow consenting adults to make their own judgement when it comes to what they’ll share and, broadly, that is still the case across the site - but we acknowledge there are additional vulnerabilities here that we ought to consider.

With that in mind, we will no longer allow users to ask for or to offer to send PMs for the purposes of sex chat. For one thing, we can’t guarantee that the person you’re chatting with is who they say they are and we can’t realistically safeguard these kind of off-board discussions. We’ve looked at the moderation principles of similar boards on other sites and this is indeed the policy on several others.

We’d also like to address some of your other comments if we may. Last year we reduced the time required from joining to posting on Sex from 90 days to seven. We’ve no plans to change this at the moment because this timeframe has proved to be a sufficient deterrent to bad actors and we believe that 90 days is too long if you’re a new user with a genuine concern. We’d also like to be clear that our commercial partnerships have had zero bearing on any changes we’ve made (nor did anyone ask us to make changes) and MNHQ does not (and would never) post affiliate links to products under the guise of a regular MNer. We may be many things, but we are not underhand!

As with everything, we’ll continue to monitor the situation and we hope these new rules will go some way to reassure you. If anyone has further questions, please post here and we’ll do our best to answer them.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Bamboux · 02/03/2023 17:26

Rogue1001MNer · 02/03/2023 11:41

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet - thank you. I think the whole "yay we're back. Please DON'T pm me nudge nudge wink wink" attitude sealed their own fate. I've read a lot over the past few weeks on these threads, and I do understand what posters like @Mermaidparades say they get from it. It's a shame that most of the sex thread regulars who've ventured out seem so deaf to what the rest of mn is saying.

@Bamboux. Stunning, stunning post yesterday (at around 6.30pm ish). Amazing. Beautifully elegant phrasing. Eloquent. Totally agree.

@LangClegsInSpace I too have noticed a difference in tone over the last year or so, and it saddens me also.
Mn doesn't feel the same to me as it used to, and I'd never start a thread now unless it was something very non contentious

Ahhh cheers @Rogue1001MNer 😁

I agree with your last paragraph.

BoreOfWhabylon · 02/03/2023 17:21

Thank you for listening and acting @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet

One thing that occurred to me when I looked at the Sex Chat thread to see what it was all about - on several occasions new women posters were told they would be "inundated" with PMs. "Literally hundreds" was mentioned on one occasion. Some women reported that they had indeed received large numbers of responses.

If so, there must be many men lurking, reading and messaging without ever posting. Since they don't post then they don't need to wait 90, 30, or 7 days to make contact. They can browse, select, sign up and message in minutes.

So I'm very pleased the thread has gone and these creeps will hopefully now go elsewhere.

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 17:10

@LittleBearPad ha ha. Good idea. A couple are really very miffed

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 17:09

@LucyLeave is there though? I don't actually think there is anywhere else to go online to hook up for sex chat with others. Mumsnet is the only place for these men it appears

LittleBearPad · 02/03/2023 17:09

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 17:02

A really good result - thank you.

Even though we now have men on the sex threads calling us all pearl clutchers and threatening to flounce now that they can't have a place to swap PMs. To be expected I suppose

Should we point them to Flouncer’s Corner?

I don’t think they’ll be missed

LucyLeave · 02/03/2023 17:08

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 17:02

A really good result - thank you.

Even though we now have men on the sex threads calling us all pearl clutchers and threatening to flounce now that they can't have a place to swap PMs. To be expected I suppose

Poor things. It's not like there's anywhere else on the internet for men to post.

MeganTheeScallion · 02/03/2023 17:06

@EineKleineNachtwatcher @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet @onirgellep
I was going to write something about solicitng PMs from John Snow, but I'm much more grown up than that, so I'll nod sagely instead...

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 17:02

A really good result - thank you.

Even though we now have men on the sex threads calling us all pearl clutchers and threatening to flounce now that they can't have a place to swap PMs. To be expected I suppose

EineKleineNachtwatcher · 02/03/2023 16:59

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 02/03/2023 10:05

@onirgellep @MeganTheeScallion we'll have a chat about this! I feel they'd need a special cloak.

Oi @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet !

Are you saying we NWers aren't sexy enough?!

Hmmpff!

The Sex topic - an update on moderation
AGreenProblem · 02/03/2023 16:27

I wanted to articulate my concerns, but reading the comments it’s been laid out in black and white. Creating spaces like this on a place like Mumsnet has invited the types of people - identifying themselves as men - who will insist on forcing a conversation to go a particular way because all of a sudden they have “just as much of a say” about a sensitive topic on a women’s forum as any other woman here. Forceful, unyielding men are exactly the reason I didn’t want to talk on any other forum years ago. Even if other people can’t articulate it, this is what is wrong, this type of what I can only call ignorance on the part of Mumsnet is why people are leaving this site.

Rogue1001MNer · 02/03/2023 11:41

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet - thank you. I think the whole "yay we're back. Please DON'T pm me nudge nudge wink wink" attitude sealed their own fate. I've read a lot over the past few weeks on these threads, and I do understand what posters like @Mermaidparades say they get from it. It's a shame that most of the sex thread regulars who've ventured out seem so deaf to what the rest of mn is saying.

@Bamboux. Stunning, stunning post yesterday (at around 6.30pm ish). Amazing. Beautifully elegant phrasing. Eloquent. Totally agree.

@LangClegsInSpace I too have noticed a difference in tone over the last year or so, and it saddens me also.
Mn doesn't feel the same to me as it used to, and I'd never start a thread now unless it was something very non contentious

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 11:37

That was to surplus. I don't mind others mentioning me!

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 11:36

Please do not @ me. I've told you many times that I don't want to interact with you and that I find your comments unpleasant and intrusive. I know you have no respect for any woman's boundaries.

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:30

@beastlyslumber I have never been a strong advocate of the sex chat thread and have repeatedly said so.

Once again i dont wish this thread to be derailed so despite having every right to be a part of this conversation I'll step back

CrotchetyCrocheting · 02/03/2023 11:29

That should say sex board thread.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 02/03/2023 11:27

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:15

@CrotchetyCrocheting as I explained yesterday it was a comment based on the concerns of others and NOT what I think will happen.

Please can we stop dissecting comments to try and discredit them and just have a conversation

Sorry, am I not having a conversation the way you want me to? I don't have to try and 'discredit' you, you are doing that all by yourself by 'wondering' and 'believing' left, right and centre all over every sex chat thread with none of it adding up.

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 11:23

I'm glad MN have taken the thread down but it should not have taken this much campaigning. There have been multiple threads about this for weeks and a lot of people who have left the site altogether.

I suspect part of the reason it took so long is due to the constant interference from men like surplus who are desperate to keep the thread going.

But MN has been a huge disappointment all around.

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:22

@GoAgainstNicki I'm sorry to hear that, some people just can't help themselves I guess.

I do think that men on the sex board are very aware that this is a strongly female led forum and they are under an enhanced level of scrutiny and their is generally a higher level of respect than on some other boards where rudeness and even personal attacks are common

MeganTheeScallion · 02/03/2023 11:19

@Surplus2requirements you have demonstrated that you are physically unable to not insert yourself and keep inserting yourself on threads when women have asked you not to (i do not mean this one). You've been reported multiple times by multiple women and here you are, still, the B & M Bear Grylls, to tell us it's all good. Forgive me if we don't believe a word you type about men respecting boundaries.

beastlyslumber · 02/03/2023 11:15

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:07

Further to @Janiie comment I do believe that any woman posting on the sex board asking for women only to reply would have the request respected and if needed defended

You've been repeatedly asked to not reply by various women and have never respected that.

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:15

@CrotchetyCrocheting as I explained yesterday it was a comment based on the concerns of others and NOT what I think will happen.

Please can we stop dissecting comments to try and discredit them and just have a conversation

MeganTheeScallion · 02/03/2023 11:15

@CrotchetyCrocheting indeed. Completely goady post on his behalf IMO.

Rhondaa · 02/03/2023 11:11

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:07

Further to @Janiie comment I do believe that any woman posting on the sex board asking for women only to reply would have the request respected and if needed defended

Of course. Likewise if they said what's men's take on <insert problem> that is fine too.

It's all basic online etiquette isn't it, tbf I've observed posters interacting more politely on the sex boards than other places.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 02/03/2023 11:11

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:07

Further to @Janiie comment I do believe that any woman posting on the sex board asking for women only to reply would have the request respected and if needed defended

Yesterday you were 'wondering' whether if the sex chat thread was removed people would move on to unsolicited dms today you believe these same people will respect women enough to not post on a thread where they ask for female only views Hmm Keeping up that consistency I see.

GoAgainstNicki · 02/03/2023 11:11

Surplus2requirements · 02/03/2023 11:07

Further to @Janiie comment I do believe that any woman posting on the sex board asking for women only to reply would have the request respected and if needed defended

Funny that. Many of us post on the Black Mumsnetters board where we ask for comments from black women only. Yet we still get ‘I’m not black but…’ comments every single time