The Sex topic - an update on moderation

(The whole of that comment deserves quoting. I agree with points made.)

@LangClegsInSpace said

In a way I'm kind of grateful that the sex topic popped up in active because before it did, I couldn't understand why there was such a (slow but inexorable) increase in sleazy misogynistic posts across the site over the past year or two. Including the sex topic on active was like lifting a rock.

Yes, I had noticed this too. Quite markedly in the last year or so. This likely goes some way to explaining it.

You are the second person to allude to mumsnet being a 'safe space' or 'safer' for sex chat on this thread. There is nowhere safe on the Internet, especially when you are soliciting sex chat.

Oh I know you will. I'm glad you have the time in your day and the fire in your loins to continue to re hash the same arguments. I just use the fire in my loins elsewhere.

MN isn’t a safe space, though. Nowhere on the Internet is.

At least with the more focused sites you aren’t lulled into a false sense of security.

Some people here have certainly played a big part in minimising many women’s concerns, having gone on and on and on about the sex topic being valuable and helpful. To ‘know’ that, they must ‘hang out’ there quite a bit presumably or it would be very odd indeed to be so persistent if they didn’t.

There’s quite a few posters in favour of pervs corner that are contradicting themselves quite a lot on this thread. But they’re in good company as mumsnet themselves are also contradicting themselves. I suppose that’s what happens when there’s lots of bullshit and lies.

It is in no way safer for women, which MN have acknowledged in their opening post on this thread. If anything, men who are drawn to a parenting website for sex chat are more sinister than those who stick to actual sex sites.

But possibly none that are as safe for women

Yes, this.

@JustineMumsnet said on another of these threads:

... the majority of threads on the topic are discussing things we know are important and relevant to a significant percentage of MNers - such as post-partum sex, erectile dysfunction, and lack of sex drive.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4749810-references-to-underage-sex-on-sex-board?page=7&reply=124167688

I believe that was the original aim of the sex topic but it's not true now. You only need to spend a couple of minutes on the first page to realise it's not true.

In a way I'm kind of grateful that the sex topic popped up in active because before it did, I couldn't understand why there was such a (slow but inexorable) increase in sleazy misogynistic posts across the site over the past year or two. Including the sex topic on active was like lifting a rock.

During the years it was hidden by default it appears that a culture has evolved there that is at odds with the rest of the site. I don't doubt that posters there see themselves as a community but it's a very different community from the rest of Mumsnet, with different boundaries and behavioural standards.

I reported the threesome thread last night that appeared on relationships. It was a blatant request for wank fodder. It was not deleted, instead it was moved to the sex topic so I can only assume that a thread requesting wank fodder is fine on the sex topic.

The thing is that if you allow any threads like that then they will quite quickly not be the minority, they will take over and become the culture of that topic and that's what has happened. Posters seeking wank fodder and hook-ups post more when they see this kind of content allowed to stand, genuine posters seeking support are put off by the sleaziness so post less.

Eventually you end up with a culture on the sex topic that is completely at odds with the rest of the site and that is not compatible with the stated aims of Mumsnet.

There is a world of difference between hooking up for sex and chatting about it with a like minded adult

And I ask again: on a parenting site? Why not post somewhere that's specifically about sex/hook-ups? Why Mumsnet?

Exactly @OutOfThisState!

Maybe a better solution would be that people who send and encourage others to send sex chat PMs stay away from the sex topic.

There is a world of difference between hooking up for sex and chatting about it with a like minded adult

Or we can keep posting and won’t be told by you to stfu, ‘Martin’.

I have posted on the Sexchat thread asking for PM. I had quite a lot of PMs and still get a few because my username is on there. Out of the many private messages that I have received I have had 1 PM that following the first few responses from me became increasing unpleasant and I blocked him. I have had no unpleasant or horrible first messages. Any other people that I haven't wished to have a conversation with I have either politely told them that or ignored them and that.

But why @MovingonfromMartin? Why post on a parenting site asking for sex chat?

And why can't you understand that so many of us think it's NITS of Mumsnet?

If you want to hook up for sex, which is entirely your prerogative, why not go to a site that's set up for such liaisons? Why choose a parenting site?

"What you're not getting is that the sex topic affects the rest of the site"

Statistical evidence for this please?

I really don't know, how would I? I don't really 'hang out' anywhere except maybe the Ukraine war thread in Chat and despite the feeling I've got to know some of the regular posters fairly well I don't know them at all.

I don't engage in the sex chat thread (might have posted a joke or two but I'm not sure...someone will no doubt check) but my experience on the rest of the board is everyone is respectful and expected to be so.

I'm glad that others are now strongly advocating reporting, I've always thought thats an important part in safeguarding.

If in doubt report and let HQ decide who can see a much broader picture.

What you're not getting is that the sex topic affects the rest of the site.

Why do you have to have sex chats on a parenting website? Seriously, there are loads of places where men will happily message you for sex. Why do you insist that it has to be here?

I am a woman. I have posted on the Sexchat thread asking for PM. I had quite a lot of PMs and still get a few because my username is on there. Out of the many private messages that I have received I have had 1 PM that following the first few responses from me became increasing unpleasant and I blocked him. I have had no unpleasant or horrible first messages. Any other people that I haven't wished to have a conversation with I have either politely told them that or ignored them and that. My point here is that my name is out there on the chat multiple time and I am not bombarded with horrible PMs. There seems to be some castastrophizing going on here by people who are not on the thread.

Other posts in the sex topic are in generally informative and useful conversations about different aspects of sex for those interested who might need to find something out about the topic without taking to their partners or friends. I am still facing a considerable amount of teasing from my mates about my vibrator selection and am therefore more inclined to discuss them on here on a suitable sex thread than with them.

This topic and thread have been discussed endlessly over the last few weeks. MN has made a decision. You don't like it. We know that. You have told us all many, many times. Stay away from the sex topic. Report any inappropriate PM if you get any. Move on.

It also doesn't work to give creeps 'an outlet' and expect it to be enough - it just gets them more worked up and encourages them to see all women as existing for their gratification. But the floodgates have been opened now anyway so it probably will increase, especially given the contradictory and confusing message coming from MN.

@Surplus2requirements

I do wonder if unsolicited PMs will increase if there's no place for solicited PMs but I guess we'll find out.

So you think that the people who have been sending solicited PMs via the sex chat thread will turn to sending unsolicited ones if that's their only option?

Yes, if it is a nightclub it's a sticky-floored, depressing little cave where single women get in free. A gaggle of desperate blokes are leering at everyone without discernment, begging for sexy talk and not even bothering to take their wedding rings off. A couple of men are deep in conversation at the bar about the durability of their fleshlights. Every now and again someone rubs up against you, eager to know where you like to be ejaculated on. And this is a space for women to feel comfortable asking questions and starting conversations about sex?

I do wonder if unsolicited PMs will increase if there's no place for solicited PMs but I guess we'll find out.

I find this interesting. So you obviously have suspicions that the posters on the sex chat threads are not of very good character. It's like, give them a legit way to get their dirty talk out or they might force it on people that don't want it? Why would you want to hang out and defend a board that you 'wonder' might be populated by people with no boundaries?

I was confused because your two posts seemed entirely contradictory to me. But obviously there's a logic there for you.

What seems pretty clear is that women who post on the sex topic, even when they don't invite men to contact them, receive unwanted sleazy PMs.

And again, I wonder what the point of it is.

I am massively in favour of it being renamed as women's sexual health and well-being as other women have suggested. If you want it to be a welcoming space for women to discuss difficult and sometimes embarrassing issues, it needs to be a women centred topic. Right now, it's a 'my wife won't put out' topic. And I'm sure it puts a whole load of women off.

It's like Schrodinger's sex chat: simultaneously banned but also allowed. Please, @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet , open the box and kill the fucker. It makes zero sense to announce that the offering and requesting of sex chat PMs is banned but to allow an 800 post thread set up solely and specifically for exactly this to stand - and for posts to continue! Why on earth announce that this behaviour is banned for safeguarding reasons but let it carry on? Really, why? As long as that thread is there, people will use it for its intended purpose.