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Original poster

A typical mumsnet debate???

132 replies

tiktok · 27/04/2007 12:10

Anyone recognise the shape of a thread (I am omitting details)

OP: I am doing something with my child that is not what planned to do, but it is something I have ended up doing because of circumstances. Now, I feel like a rubbish mother because it is not what other people say I ought to do. Please, is there anyone with experience who can tell me it's ok to be doing this?

Various posters: Yes, it's fine, I did this and my kids are wonderful and everything in my garden is rosy. Don't listen to people who tell you not to do this thing.

Other various posters: What you do is your own business, and of course you are not rubbish, and many people have been in that situation. But you should know that if you continue doing what you are doing, XYZ might happen. If you are fine about XYZ happening, then of course that's ok. But from your post, it appears as if XYZ is not what you wanted to happen.

Other other various posters: Bish Bash Bosh! The OP doesn't want to know all that! She wants fluffy kittens and lovely stuff! You are all very smug! Bish Bash Bosh! And anyway, XYZ didn't happen to me!

Other various posters again: But the OP is not the only one reading this - she needs to know about XYZ, and so do other people who come on here and lurk, now and in the future.

Other other other various posters: You are being horrible to the OP - she wants fluffy kittens and starlight, with added chocolate! And sugar sprinkles!

OP: some of you are horrible, and I didn't want this horrible argument....it's made me feel worse.

Other various posters again: oh dear....this is the internet and these things happen. Soz.

Other other other various posters : See what you have done with your decision to withhold the fluffyness?? Yah boo nasty smug people !

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
fortyplus · 30/04/2007 19:29

tiktok - I didn't particularly mean you, though I think you are guilty of it sometimes - we all do it on occasions. I think the bf threads are the worst for this. I believe passionately that everyone should be encouraged and have the opportunity to bf (unless there is a physical reason that they can't) and should receive support to do so. However, I would never be judgemental about someone who opted to ff - it's a perfectly valid choice.

I do wish I'd had mn to turn to when I had ds1 - it took me nearly a month of hell to get bf properly established. I'm very stubborn so I wouldn't give up, plus I had a brilliantly supportive hv.

SenoraPostrophe · 30/04/2007 18:29

I mean it's a shame that you have to read through all the bish bash boshing before you get to any info really.

I only mean moderation as a tool to make threads easier to read really. could be done days later.

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 17:24

Moderation would be difficult, senora....questions needing an emergency response (and some do) would then be put on hold.

No one needs moderating - sure, there's an occasional flare up, but I have never seen anything that really got out of hand. MN posters are pretty good at self-policing. I have never seen anyone that really needed moderating...have you?

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 30/04/2007 17:12

I do agree tiktok, and it's a shame because mn (and you especially actually) is a brilliant source of info for breastfeeders, especially those like me who have nob access to any counselling or what have you.

I think the bf threads should be actively moderated (i.e. edited), because it's such an important subject. We can save the riots for threads about spoon feeding and vaccinations.

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 17:03

gess, the description of your mixed feeding on that thread was not at all like the OP's.

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/04/2007 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gess · 30/04/2007 16:11

well it was possible for breastfeeding/mixed feeding to continue the way that the OP described, as I did that with both ds1 and ds2. Fed ds1 for 13 months, ds2 for over 2 years.

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 16:04

OK - hope your baby gets better soon

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 30/04/2007 15:02

No it doesn't say it all at all. I was just being flippant and it was an entirely pointless post. Blame it on the 3 nights of no sleep due to very poorly baby.

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 14:54

I know, twofalls....and I was saying it didn't 'say it all'

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/04/2007 14:52

couldn't agree more, fio. do you know what, though, i always think of that sort of thing (starting a new thread, drawing a line etc) as being done by one of the old hands here rather than a relative newbie like myself so it kind of wouldn't enter my head to do it, iykwim? it seems like one of the things a prefect would do, not a general duffer like myself.

GColdtimer · 30/04/2007 14:47

tiktok, I was conceding the point that even moondog sent hugs and kisses

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 14:38

But what she wanted to do wass mixed feeding, twofalls.

She was more than halfway down the road to having that choice disappear.

We all said she should do what she wanted! Once she said she didn;t mind fully ff, no one told her what to do at all - and that included me!

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/04/2007 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GColdtimer · 30/04/2007 13:47

You are right Aitch, she did. Perhaps that says it all?

AitchTwoOh · 30/04/2007 13:14

you know that it wasn't a bottle at night or anything? the baby was four weeks old (bfing not fully established until around six weeks) and the OP was doing one bottle formula, then one bf. she said she was happy with mix feeding and wanted to keep doing it, and all that myself and others were doing was saying was that wouldn't be possible, really.

i agree that the ocnvesation should have stopped or moved when the OP said she was happy for her bfing to stop, but that needed to be ascertained first, surely?

had one of the people with 'strong opinions' said 'look, if your child is so precious to you then why aren't you making the effort to bf, given that it's the best food for her?' then i could see your point but no-one siad anything like that.

there was some unfortunate talk of 'inferior' food, which wasn't ideal although by that time not remotely aimed at the OP, but the posts were overwhelmingly supportive to her choices. even Moondog said that she should do exaclty what she wanted and to enjoy her baby, fgs.

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 13:04

Hmmm...but if someone says mixed feeding is suiting them fine, and they are doing something that will not permit mixed feeding to continue, the in the main gentle and sensitive posts which pointed this out were entirely justfied....surely?

The posts - mine included - which pointed this out were careful to say 'it's your choice, you may not feel this is an issue, but if you do etc etc etc' The debate then went off in a typical way....

Fortyplus, do you mean me when you suggest I moderate my posts? It's hard to tell when you refer to 'some people'! If so, can you give me an example of when I am patronising and superior...genuine request. I am a stickler for trying to say the right thing in the right way.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/04/2007 12:52

fortyplus, to whom are you referring?

LucyJu · 30/04/2007 12:43

I think a lot of the "problems" arose with that particular post because, IMO, the thread title and the opening paragraph conveyed slightly different messages. A lot of the answers referred directly to the thread title, but I think reading between the lines of the opening paragraph, the OP was merely looking for some support to validate her position.
Moral of the story? Choose your thread title carefully!
To answer your original point Tiktok, you have described a very typical thread pattern. I've seen similar in many topic areas - it often puts me off adding my bit.

GColdtimer · 30/04/2007 12:34

You are right Cazee, but my point is that at the first point she came back and said, this is upsetting me (don't you remember that ultra sensitive time when even when there is no criticism, any implied criticism can send you over the edge) the debate regrettably continued down a ff vs bf route and actually intensified. I don't think it was helpful at that point. But I have said that just once or twice before so will stop saying it now!

And Mahmai, spot on. I just wish I had thought of that line when are I agreed with her earlier

Mhamai · 30/04/2007 12:18

Ps imho thedogsbollox post was thedogsbollox so to speak.

Mhamai · 30/04/2007 12:10

Whose op?

fortyplus · 30/04/2007 12:06

Perhaps some people with very strong views need to moderate their posts so that they don't appear quite as patronising and superior?

Original poster
tiktok · 30/04/2007 11:58

twofalls, I don't want to disparage people who offer support - the 'fluffy kittens' gibe shd not be taken too seriously, and I did bring it over here, rather than continue on that thread, in case people were further upset by it.

The OP got a ton of support, and no one was to know that she would get upset by the way the discussion went when it was not directed at her, and we had no way of knowing she would be really very upset by the term 'OP'....when it became clear this was the case, I bowed out, and so did others.

The thread is still going on, and I will not return....even though someone is making a plea for information about how to mix feed successfully - and saying the thread made her feel she was doing something wrong. She does need to know what is doing may have an impact on her milk supply - maybe someone can go and explain?

OP posts:
Cazee · 30/04/2007 11:41

But the op didn't title her thread "I have had a terrible time, finally have a beautiful daughter, may ff her, am I doing ok?", rather the title implied she wanted to mix feed, and didn't understand why there was "pressure" to bf exclusively. I have just now read the whole thread, and I don't see a single post that said anything negative about her at all. Lots of warmth and compassion, but facts were shared.

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