Parents, how do you feel about risk?

That reminds me ....

Perception of risk is a funny thing.

When DS watched Swallows and Amazons for the first time he didn't bat an eyelid at the freedom the DC had, going off in boats by themselves and camping out on
islands.

But when they took the boat to town (an emvironment he is more familiar with I guesd) and got off the boat he was shocked and said "are they going by themselves?!"

Stupid phone "correcting" me.

Thay should say Swallows and Amazons!

And "if you can't hack it and drown, oh well".

'BETTER DROWNED THAN DUFFERS IF NOT DUFFERS WON'T DROWN '.

.... but that's pretty extreme as a RL philosophy!

Wasn't the implication in Swallow and Amazon that their dad was also saying he knew they weren't duffers and so that's why he was giving permission.

I don't think it ever meant "if you can't have it and drown, oh well".

Have been watching Swallow and Amazons recently btw, we have the DVD and 6 year old DS loves it.

I'd find a discussion interesting on the specifically British perception of risk when parenting, because it sometimes comes across as particularly bonkers to people raising children in other countries. I often think parenting in the UK has more to do with not wanting to be criticised by others than any concrete risk or worry, so it's about mechanisms of social approbation and disapprobation.

And people often seem to justify stopping their kids from doing something by saying 'I have anxiety' - but that's a rubbish excuse. I have great sympathy with anyone with any sort of mental health issues, but if you have excessive anxiety and a distorted perception of risk it's your responsibility to try to deal with it so that your family don't suffer. (Can you tell I had an over-anxious mother who never dealt with it?).

The most ridiculous example is the people who insist on dragging their small DC across a garage forecourt because leaving them safely in a car for two minutes is somehow more risky than taking them across a loud, fume-filled space with cars moving unpredictably.

We have a weird situation here in Germany, where traditionally children are 'supposed' to go to school by themselves from year 1 at the age of 6 or 7. But the age of starting school has dropped, we live in busy cities not in villages, and the school isn't necessarily round the corner any more, so many parents go with their kids for at least the first year or two until they develop a better sense of traffic. And lots of people are absolutely outraged at this development and see it as bad parenting, because it's apparently molly-coddling children. So they're just as incapable of perceiving real risk (more dangerous traffic levels than when they were at school) as the over-careful people.

I generally see Germans as far more willing to give their children responsibility and independence while they're growing up, and far less mindless drunkenness of teenagers (although it's not non-existent by any means). At 15 my DD spent 3 months abroad on a language exchange, which appears to be unheard of in the UK. She coped fine though.

"I am always amazed at the unnecessary risks some parents take with teens, tbh. I have seen numerous, ordinarily very sensible parents allow mass mixed sex, unsupervised camping trips" What's that an unnecessary risk of? Surely if you've educated your teenager well about making good choices about sex/alcohol/drugs in the years beforehand there's nothing much to be worried about. DD1 went on a mixed biking trip recently (nearly 17 at the time) and it was fine.

What I have done with my teenagers is always taken them on adventure-style holidays and activities, so they can get that adrenaline rush in a controlled environment: white-water rafting, canyoning, high-ropes course, climbing, via ferrata, canoeing, skiing, etc. Teenagers NEED a feeling of risk, and if you don't give it to them in a safe form they're more likely to go out and find something a lot more dangerous.

I have never bothered with stair gates, child locks, baby monitors, baby reins. I think car seat is only safety item we had.

Eldest is autistic so highly overreacts injuries. I expect even if she broke her leg I would tell her it was fine as else she makes a big drama out of it! As my dad used to say it is only pain.

bit ambiguous! Depends what the risk is!

I try hard to have a sensible attitude to risk and weigh up risk, likelihood, benefit etc.

Ds1 now walks part of the way to school alone aged nearly 9 (after we've crossed the busy roads), goes to the local shop alone (one quiet road to cross), stays in the flat by himself if I'm out for up to 20 minutes or so.

I want my dcs to have the sort of free ranging childhood that I had, but I can't because that wasn't a childhood where I free ranged on my own - I was with friends which modifies the risk, eg someone to get help when you fall and break your ankle scrumping apples. I would be happy for him to go to the park and roaming about a bit alone with friends, but as his friends' parents aren't happy with this he can't.

I doubt anyone would take issue with taking sensible precautions around alcohol and safe behaviour whilst out and about, male or female.

That has nothing to do with preventing rape though.

I had a feeling some people would. I wasn't speaking politically. I was speaking personally, as a parent. I wouldn't let my child walk into a dangerous situation to prove a political point.

I have to take exception to your rape comments Heigh.

I am not terribly risk averse. I am letting my 11 year old commute about 50 minutes door to door on her own. I will let my 8 year old stay in the house alone, if I pop to a neighbour for 5 to 10 minutes (we do live on a quiet street and know all the neighbours, though.)

I would not let 13 year olds go camping alone. I live in London, so it seems like a mad idea to me. If I lived in the Western Isles, I might view it differently. It probably depends where you live and who the other children are.

I have been horrified by some of the things I have seen teenaged girls on my street being allowed/encouraged to do. It may be sexist, and it's not fair, but tarting young girls up, giving them alcohol and then sending them out alone together seems insane to me. Why not just drug them and write "rape me" on their foreheads!

Egosumquism oh how a hyphen changes things

If you come screaming down the garden like a leg has fallen off it had better have fallen off

Haha, that's what I'm like. I expect the level of drama to match the severity of the injury. Two of my DDs have often screamed like they're having their teeth pulled out when they've got a slight graze (not even that usually). It makes me lose all sympathy that I might have had

All the biters are fairly 'robust' headcases energetic children.

Maybe it's because I ate all the stuff I usually ate during pregnancy and fed the children without the modern worries surrounding honey, peanuts, raw eggs in cake mix and whatever else is the nightmare du jour

I admit that as a new Mum I sterilised for longer than 'normal' with DS1 but relaxed after I caught him eating bugs in the garden. We didn't 'do' stairgates beyond toddling age..I taught them to come down the stairs (much to the abject horror of other parents). We also neglected to put locks on the cupboards, choosing to teach them that those cupboards were not for them (as a result biters aged 10,9 & 6 still ask to go in the cupboard under the sink).

All the biters climb trees, leap into paddling & swimming pools, swing on zip lines and generally attack the unknown and interesting both physically and academically with gusto (and I include food).

I took the approach that you can't stop them doing things, you just have to try and teach them to think even momentarily about the possible consequences. Road safety, reins as toddlers, swimming lessons etc were all absolute musts for example. Baby monitors, on the other hand, were never baby sitters and you can't parent from the sofa.

We never encopuraged whining or excessive tears and tiaras. If you come screaming down the garden like a leg has fallen off it had better have fallen off non of the molly-coddling I witnessed with so many other Mums (especially with girls). Not being judgemental or neglectful there-what I mean is that falling down didn't immediately illicit a huge intake of breath and scaring sprinting towards the child on my part. Not unless they were doing that mouth open no sound thing, then I was hot-footing it!

I am always amazed at the unnecessary risks some parents take with teens, tbh. I have seen numerous, ordinarily very sensible parents allow mass mixed sex, unsupervised camping trips or trips miles and miles away to 'parties' and then be thoroughly confused when it all goes pear shaped-either with booze or social issues or worse. Social media is the brand new scurge of the teen years in my opinion and whilst my eldest has the dreaded facebook I am the 'emergency default' e-mail and have the general day to day password.

I try to educate instead of saying a blanket no to things, for example DS1, 15, watched the paedophile hunter on C4 a while back in connection to safety online and we use Jeremy Kyle and similar as a jumping off points for discussions surrounding sex, contraception, responsibility etc etc. Not exactly PC but it gives rise to some open, genuine conversation that a more 'staged' approach might not illicit.

I try not to take undue risks with my life, (although we moved halfway round the World this year), especially as DH has a fairly high risk profession but I'm not cotton-wool-ish as regards having fun.

Feel free to contact me but be aware there's a time difference.

Oh it's massive right enough. Huge.

Also, just thought of something else as sit here with my stomach in knots having just had a go at ds dad.

I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope with ds dad. I say too much about how he's letting down ds and he might walk away, I don't say enough and he damages further their already fragile relationship. I never know if I am erring on the right side of it. I've gambled in the past with pushing things and it's back fired - but the one time it gives him a kick up the bum it's worth it.

I am really shit when it comes to risk. Due to my background, which was a bit rubbish but I won't bore you with the details, I used to put myself at risk A LOT! When I became pregnant I basically shut down because I wanted to protect ds, but I had no experience with safely dealing with danger / safety etc. So until ds was about 18 months old we didn't even really leave the house and I cut myself off from a lot of people as I couldn't figure out who was 'safe' and who was risky.

Basically, I've had to force myself to put ds and myself into normal situations and not wrap us both up in cotton wool. I want him to be the sort of child who climbs trees and jumps off rocks, and that's easier to be honest than figuring out if someone can babysit or if it's ok to go back to work.

I'm a single parent and I've pretty much made my peace with staying that way. It's easier and safer. On the other hand, I don't want to mess up ds by him thinking he's held me back.

Parenting is bloody terrifying - so much to lose, such high stakes. I worry all the time im making the wrong decisions!

Sorry for making the thread serious - on a lighter note, I've not played Risk! In years. Going to have to dig it out the loft now!

Another interesting thing is the reaction of other people when you say you let you child do "risky" things. I have been annihilated on here sometimes when I talk about the things I let my kids do. I don't know whether it's because people are genuinely concerned for them, or whether it makes them question som of their own decisions, or whether it's because, as someone once said "you think you're so fucking cool, don't you?" But people do get very angry....................