The relationship board going downhill

I don't think there is any need to criticise the OP. A lot of people who start a thread on relationships will do so because they are dealing with a distressing situation and they don't need kicking when they are down.

When it seems fairly clear that an OP is in a really bad relationship it may well be the case that posters are genuinely concerned about the OP and are trying to help her to leave an awful relationship. The worse the relationship is the more vocal the posters can be.

The trouble is that LTB is very easy to say and a lot harder to actually do. Anyone advising is purely doing so from the outside looking in armed only with the cold hard facts. There are no emotions to factor in, no fear. Turning your life upside down at the best of times is terrifying and to do so when you are in a really bad way makes it even harder. I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I would think that in one your self esteem and confidence would be shot to pieces and for some people maybe posting on here in that situation is that first small step to eventually getting out of that relationship. Leaving when you are feeling strong is one thing, but many people posting about whatever issue it is won't be feeling strong but extremely vulnerable.

I always thought I would LTB straightaway in the event of any major misdemeanour. But, when I actually found myself in that situation I didn't. I had (and am still having) some fantastic support and advice on here but I didn't feel ready or able to act on a lot of it straightaway. I needed to take my time and deal with things in my own way in a timescale that I could handle and I did eventually LTB. The advice itself was brilliant and has helped me enormously and I have had wonderful support but when you are in a vulnerable state it is easy to feel pressurised.

Having said that I do read some situations in relationships and think someone is in an awful relationship and don't understand how they can stay but I would hope that if I posted on that I would at least try and be constructive and try to help them to see that they would be happier away from that relationship however hard that decision may seem.

I think it is a great shame that some people have been put off from posting in relationships because of previous experiences of posting or reading other threads that have been critical of the OP. There is lots of great support and advice and I think most people do mean well.

It's like a disease that has spread from AIBU. For whatever reason some posters believe it is in the spirit of this site to be as combative and twattish as possible.

I once started a thread asking people just to calm down and respond nicely. I might as well have said I'd just punched a kitten in the face for the response I got.

It's good to be given the OK to report overly harsh posters on Relationships. I read that board but rarely post and it would never have occurred to me to report stuff that was a bit harsh but not clearly guideline-breaching. Excellent thread OP.

Agreed. Almost every thread with a vulnerable OP has at least one person waying something like "I'm so angry. You're not going to leave him, are you? You're just going to let him abuse you. Why do people waste their time?" Makes me see red.

At least I do know that it is OK to report these ones. Because I sometimes feel like I've exceeded my reporting quota for the day by the time I've finished my morning cuppa.

Hide Topics-

Go to Customise
Scroll to bottom where it says 'Ignore topics in Active Conversations' then click on 'go here'.

You can then transfer topics from one column to the other. Then they will disappear like magic from your Active list. I have more hidden than not.

How do you hide whole topics?

"Yep and I don't think coming on every now and then and reminding posters to play nice is helpful"

Agree with this.

I also agree with reporting anything that "isn't in the spirit of MN" even if it doesn't break the talk guidelines. Maybe then they will realise that many posters just don't like this 'give a kicking' mentality.

I have Relationships hidden, for the same reason I have AIBU hidden. They are both the same thing to me. It seems everyone with a Relationship is unreasonable, or the partner is, and they have to be told that in no uncertain terms. No middle ground.

Hide it. You won't miss it.

I was having counselling last year and I started a thread about something I discussed with my counsellor (not in Relationships though) and I got a kicking on that one and the responses were just weird. Anyone who I discussed it with in RL all said the complete opposite to most of the posters on here, yet here I was made to look like a terrible person (luckily I name changed so it couldn't be linked to my usual name). When I told my counsellor about it, she didn't say much but I could very much tell she didn't think it was a good idea to post if that's the sort of responses you get.

I love MN but this kicking OP mentality seems to be spreading. You kind of expect it on AIBU, although I don't see why you should. I rarely post an OP there now, only answer others. I have noticed it in chat as well. Sometimes people get told they ABU when it's not even that bloody board. I swear some people get off on just being nasty behind a screen and they would never do it in RL, they'd have no friends otherwise.

MNHQ, the fact that there are several people saying they would never post in relationships tells you there is a problem. I completely agree that posters get very shitty if you do not follow their advice as well.

I feel that way about the health board too Sally
Even when good advice is given by professionals, people still go on to offer a range of dumbed down, simplistic, catastrophising opinions.

Same thing is happening on relationships. They probably always were but it is now much more overt and obvious.

If I was having relationship problems, that board would be the last place I'd turn for advice.

There are too many posters on there who make themselves out to be relationship experts when they're anything but.

A friend of mine who specialises in relationship counselling and has done for over 20 years often comments how bloody awful a lot of the advice is.

Having run the gauntlet of starting a thread on relationships last week, I agree with the OP.

I was told I sounded like a loon, and questioned at length about medical conditions that my DD might have (and yes, she does have a medical condition which was relevant, but I wasn't going to discuss it on the thread so it could be judged and dissected by some posters and snidey remarks made).

I would say about 75% of posters were empathetic in their response (and not necessarily agreeing with me, but making their view known in a reasonable and respectful manner). Unfortunately there was a minority who were just being aggressive, but in life we tend to focus on the negative comments. I did comment on the thread that Relationships is only one rung down from AIBU.

I name changed for that thread, and am very glad I did. Had I not done so, I can just imagine some of the posters trawling through previous posts to try to make some snide point.

There was also a poster who made the comment, 'well what do you expect, you posted on a public forum?' I don't think posting on a public forum automatically gives people a right to be horrible.

I must say, I doubt I will ever post on relationships again, which is a shame, because some of the posters provide very good support. It is also a shame, because it was an issue I felt I couldn't discuss with anyone in rl.

Surely not!

But there is a core of excellent, thoughtful posters who spend time there and keep the others in order by talking sense.

IME there are a few posters who are recognised as one of the above, who are worse than AIBU posters because people actually listen to them, and anyone who dares to argue with them is quickly shot down.

I was on that thread OP, it was shocking and the Op felt totally misunderstood and abused.

Relationships board can be hard at the best of times with agressive posters. But there is a core of excellent, thoughtful posters who spend time there and keep the others in order by talking sense. Their voices are now being drowned out by AIBU style posters.

These are the issues as I see them:

Posters do not read the thread properly.

There is little thought or consideration to the posting.

Massive assumptions are made and then subsequent posters run with it.

Maybe HQ should link this thread through to Relationships? Posters there may not all visit Site Stuff.

I agree with this. I didn't see the thread the OP is referring to.

But I am sick of the constant demands for OPs to DO something. On some threads the level of pressure and demands is equal to emotional abuse. Why can't we lend a sympathetic ear, reassure, make suggestions and generally be there, without expecting action to be taken? Many posters need to hear that what they are suffering isn't normal, and then they need time to digest that and come to terms with it.

There are a select few posters that are often commended on these threads and I am sitting there thinking WTF. They have a terrible attitude most of the time. Behaving like bulls in china shops when the situation calls for a much calmer and more thoughtful response.

This is not to the point at all but 00100001 I love your screen name. I just put it in to a binary translator and it said it meant !
\is that right?

I do agree with the main point though. Haranguing people when they're distressed is beyond my comprehension.