Sex Education

Agree chewpops, i do think this is alittle bit much! My DD last year, year 6, was shown a video as part of sex ed, maybe the same one - the erections were on a cartoon figure not a real man! I'd say she was startled to say the least, certainly new information. Overall very good and informative, part of two sessions with school nurse, plus their male teacher, they were encouraged to ask Qs anonymously. 'What if it doesn't fit?'

Parents were invited in to view the video's most explicit parts beforehand, so we were pre-warned for questions. Good conversation with teacher too about sex and the law. 'It is illegal for a boy to have sex with a girl under 16'. I was uncertain about this wording - but it is correct i think. Useful to mention this.

Also agree your year 8s are just 12/13. Lot of heavy stuff being talked about, I'm not sure I'd see my DD ready to talk about first sexual experiences (of the future) for some time yet. Or practical condom stuff.

Most useful I'd say, believe in your own feelings, give some stories of how often girls this age and older do something simply to please/avoid embarrassment/can't work out how not to do it. Not just sex by default - getting in a car with someone who's drunk etc. Boys too. Agree about trying to avoid the emphasis on boy as predator. But need boy parents to contribute that bit.

Enough waffling. Enjoy the day!

My daughter is in yr 7 and has had a graphic video of erections at diff stages and cam inside penis showing ejaculation. Am very open with her and already have told her lots of stuff but does anyone think that such graphic images are a bit too much at 12?
chewpops

I think a really important thing is to find out where they can access contraception for free in your area - young peoples clinics especially. In the area where I used to live, under 21's could get a special card that they could use in any of the participating pharmacies (discreet sign in the window), and just pass it over the counter to the pharmacist and get a unmarked bag of condoms (looked like you were picking up a prescription) in return. You could also just wander through the fpc clinic (in the health centre, so didn't mark you out as going to the fpc) at any time they were open and get them too.

I well remember the horror as a teen that the family planning clinic at my gp practice was at a time that nothing else was on, so everyone knew what you were there for, and buying condoms meant buying them from my friends mum. So making sure that they know that they can go to a clinic anywhere they like, and how to find out the times etc could make a real difference

As a parent, I liked having a heads-up about what was going to be discussed because I sometimes found myself fielding questions later after school, often smack dab in the middle of something else, and needed a bit of time to prepare myself for whatever the subject of the day was.

Doesn't the school have a policy or protocol where parents are given a synopsis of what will be discussed? This happened in DCs' school, and a parent could choose to have their DC opt out, or go over the material themselves beforehand. The advance warning period was about two weeks long, as far as I remember. Plus there were handouts given in class occasionally, and the children were supposed to discuss stuff with parents and then bring back the handout signed by the parent.

Oh, and explain about the wet patch. Too many girls go on the pill far to early IMO. Condoms should be fine until their bodies are fully mature.

You need to explain how great, amazing, wonderful, intimate etc. it can be with someone you know, love and respect, and how embarrassing, messy (emotionally), sordid and regretable it can be with someone you don't.

Sex can provide some of the best, and some of the worst, times of their lives, and it's important for them to understand that it's the relationship and bond they're forming with their partner that should be the focus when choosing when and with whom to have sex with.

Minkah - there was a thread earlier in the year about this and the book that got a lot of recommendations was Living With a Willy. Haven't read it myself though!

The old thread is here

Having looked for and bought some books for DS on this topic, then read them and consigned them to the bin, I'm not sure there are many books out there that try to convey values (responsibility and respect in decision making) to boys in the same way that books about development and sex do for girls. I ended up giving DS a book that dealt with the facts and nothing much else, and also giving him the book DDs had, to give him some sense of perspective. I was very lucky to have had a school programme available for my DCs (in the US, at a Catholic school) that explored this over the course of four years (age 10-14).

Of course you learn more from just living your life, talking to friends etc. But teenagers are starting from scratch with all of this, and it's a lonely time when there's a lot of backstabbing, lack of confidence etc, and at least the teacher is above all that. Plus the OP clearly wants to make her own curriculum rather than depending purely on the usual sources, which sounds great. Hopefully she can make it relevant to everyone.

Do you really think teens only get distorted messages from their peers but 'the truth' from adults? They will learn most from the 'mistakes' and experiences of others.
I don't think there is anything wrong with adult guidance (from parents and other adults they have relationships with, including teachers) - this is about conveying life experience between adults and children, but the kind of information about sex and drugs put out to teenagers is a) unconvincingly conservative for those inclined to experiment and take risks b) unnecessarily time-consuming for those not inclined to experiment and take risks!

Wel JGOWI, it is important to play up the positive side of healthy relationships too, you don't want to go all "aargh, sex & boys = evil" because it's silly and no-one will listen anyway. I'm sure OP will strike a good balance though.

"Finding out amongst their peers" though is a pretty bad approach IME. Nobody really has a clue at that age, but some act like they have and others will be taken in. Much better to hear from an experienced, friendly and credible adult who knows what she's talking about. Sex, love and relationships can and should be wonderful parts of life, but in the wrong context can really hurt people, especially teenagers. IMO it's no different from warning them about other things that could hurt them, like hard drugs. Would you suggest they find out about them from their peers? (Serious question)

Anything more positive to say about boys, love and sex? Seems to me that we are re-creating girls as the weaker sex who are preyed upon by ruthless males. Not really an accurate representation of the world in my experience, when it comes to intimacy. To be honest, the school would be better off concentrating on giving children a great education, encouraging their aspirations (the best incentive to contracept?) and leaving the sex for teenagers to find out about amongst their peers, with resources available for information and treatment from specialists - i.e. clinics, specialist nurses etc. I think adults (especially those with a jaundiced view of men and relationships)often haven't a clue about the teenager's world.

Does anyone know a good book (for a boy about to be 12) to read about sex ed and puberty?

the link from elephants about dating a loser is indeed fab.. O how I WISH I'd read that when I was .. well, even if I'd read it when I was 30 it'd have been invaluable!

Dunno - it would help their GCES maths though!

how would you go about sex with stats, titchy?

'boys need sex with stats' Am I the only one with a very dodgy mental image in my head?...

Several girls at my school had had sex in yr 6 (i.e. aged 10-11) and while I hope that's not the case everywhere, I'm sure there are a lot of young people engaging in sex before they're 14. Just found an observer survey suggesting 9% of people losing their virginity by 13. Av age of first sex is 16 apparently link here

What would help I think would be to do a "refresher" course when they are 16ish. I missed the day they did condoms at my school -in yr 9 i think - so it's a wonder i don't have 8 kids by now frankly! Would be good to tell them that most people don't have sex til they're at least 16, and that they'll have another day like this in yr 11 so it's not "now or never" in terms of remembering things and asking questions. My school more or less forgot about sex education from 15+ which in retrospect was a weird thing to do.

Failure rate of condoms in first year of use is 15% teaching young people how to use them properly is aimed at reducing this high failure rate. Condoms cause sex no more than an umbrella causes rain, young people do need the info before they reach y10 when unfortunately they just aren't receptive to info as they "know it all". I tend to do condom demos in y9 but think is fine for many y8's too particularly if you are lucky enough to have separate gender classes.

Back to op look up "ru ready or not quite yet" there is a great checklist for helping young people work out if they are ready (answer invariably no!). Also the stat for the amount of young people having sex is as follows: "a quarter to a third of young people will have sex under the age of 16 (most will have had sex by time 19)". Kids are usually suprised at that as they think it should be much higher.

Anyhow this stuff is kinda my dayjob though am on mat leave at mo and ready to pop any day now but shout if you need owt else.

"Of course, I said "yes, it feels horrible"."

You didn't really say that, did you?

Year 8 - they're 12, right? Or some 13.

I can't help thinking - and I know many on MN disagree - that telling kids how to put on condoms etc at this age is condoning having sex.

Frankly I would DIE if I thought dd at 12 was putting a condom on some youth for a random shag.

That is NOT to say I don't want her to have sex education, it's saying that I want it, at 12 years old, to be appropriate.

I know you probably couldn't resist saying 'yes' to that question, but I think I'd tell the truth instead of tth to put them off by making things up. What if they decided the rest of your information was similarly bogus based on realising the wriggling thing wasn't true?