First half term in year 7 turning out to be miserable!

Hi Minkah and all others who've posted here. I wondered how things were going for your son now? Can I introduce myself? I haven't posted in a couple of years, but lurk fairly regularly and came onto the boards tonight to browse for this topic - my son is year 8, and like Chocol8 mentions in her post, he is borderline ASD and has been unhappy in varying degrees ever since starting secondary. All the views here have been so valuable for me to read and it's such a relief to hear of others whose children have problems adjusting to secondary - we live in a small village, so bit of a goldfish bowl, and whenever the question of 'how's yours doing at secondary' comes up, everyone else tells how WELL their child is doing, how many friends they've made etc. etc. and I feel like some kind of failure that my ds isn't the shining star all of theirs are. We felt we had no alternative but to perservere - schools here are so hard to get into and so transferring is nigh on impossible (we're also quite near St Christophers mentioned above). This term we reached the point of developing school refusal but have finally got some response from the school. Ds no happier yet but at least some action is underway. In my experience, the key is finding one significant member of staff who will get things moving and be a reliable point of contact. So I'd love to hear from you how things are going and what decisions you've made.

Chocol8 - that is absolutely terrible ,unbelievable .
Have you googled Bullying - how about this
www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/behaviour/tacklingbullying/ ?

I've been trying not to respond to fingsbusy mum ,because I feel so strongly about Academies where there the ethos is zero tolerance on everything and the sponsor is anxious to paint a picture where they are the knight in shining armour coming to recue an entire school population of disaffected ,disengaged children with shattered ,chaotic backgrounds .The " cure " is draconian rules ,extended schooling where attendance at after school clubs is compulsary and additional classes on saturday and holidays where attendance is rewarded by bribes of bikes,ipods ,laptops.

This approach really doesn't suit everyone ,and in particular zero tolerance and petty rules is intepreted by some children as an example of teachers bullying.
So what do they do ? Bully eachother.

I would look at other schools and let the head and the governors know that you're thinking of writing to the local and national press.

Fingsbusymum, if you don't mind, i would like to copy and paste some of your last post into a letter i am going to be writing to the Chair of Governors at my ds's secondary school.

He is struggling (being ADHD/AS doesn't help) with the massive change in size of school having been at the counties smallest primary previously. He gets hit, kicked, pushed and verbally abused on pretty much a daily basis. There was the clear outline of a trainer mark on the back of his p.e top last night - he told me had been wearing it at the time.

However, this week despite being punched in the face, leaving him bruised and swollen, and being humilated by the teacher, he still wants to stay at the school! On Tuesday, as a punishment for 'messing about' the teacher told my ds to stand in front of him and was told to kneel down. The class were standing very close by, within arms reach of my ds and a few of them laughed at him. I am LIVID! What kind of message is this sending out to his peers? That it is ok to humiliate and demean him?

I am at a loss of what to do - i am so unhappy with the school and have made numerous complaints, by email and yesterday by meeting with the deputy head.

I apologise for hijack your thread Minkah, but Fingbusymum's words struck a chord. My ds sounds like your ds, bright and (relatively) quiet. He is a kind boy who cannot understand these children's behaviour).

If anyone has any ideas of what my next move should be besides finding out if any of the other (potentially equally crap) schools in my area have to offer (which i am doing), please could you advise me.

I have had a similar experiance with my ds.
It didn't help that he was ill twice and had to miss a week and a half, including a 3 day residential trip where they were all supposed to get to know each other...He also had his phone stolen!
He used to cry every night and say he hated secondary school because it was too big and he missed all his friends.
But in the last week or so he has seemed much happier.He still complains about how hard it all is, but he is getting used to it and making new friends.
I think it just takes time. It's such a huge change for them, and so much is expected compared to primary school.
My advise is to give it more time, at least til the end of term.
But I really sympathise, it's horrible knowing they are unhappy.
Hope things get better soon

Surely if it's so common, it needs to be addressed? Young year 7 boys should not be feeling desperately homesick and lost in their new schools as a matter of course. Instead of starting more and more vast comprehensives and academies, perhaps we should look at what needs changing. These schools are far too big and impersonal and surviving them means the children spend too much time in a defensive or fight/flight mode and not nearly enough being themselves/discovering who they are. How can creativity and intellectual exploration flourish in this environment, let alone emotional security and, eventually, maturity? If a school cannot be a secure base for a child, that child won't find the inner balance required to learn in any meaningful way. Smaller schools and happy environments should be paramount for our children.

DD YR7 came home yesterday and told me about a boy in her form. She and her BF noticed a boy who she said often looks sad, looking really miserable yesterday. They spoke to him and it turns out he was homesick and misses home dreadfully at school. They took him to form teacher who has arranged for the boy to go to DD and BF or back to the form tutor if he is feeling upset or sad, from what I can gather there is no bullying involved.

My sister works in a big south london boys school and she said it is really very common for the young yr7 boys to feel like that.

Talk to his form tutor as your first port of call, as they should have an idea by now of how the tutor group is shaking down. They will be able to keep an eye out, or pair him with a buddy in the form to look out for him. They should also be able to ask the teachers to keep an eye out for him and look for any covert or overt bullying that is happening. It doesn't have to be physical bullying - the passing and repetitive comments in the corridors can be bad enough and wearing after a while, especially as you say he is in a culture clash with some of the others.

Low level disruption is I'm afraid, standard in many comps, and he will have to learn to ignore it to an extent and concentrate on his learning, rather than bothering about what the rest are doing.

Some of the problem could be the size of the school - I never wanted to teach anywhere with a roll including 6th form of more than 1200-1400, as it gets too large and impersonal.

Just read all this and had EXACTLY the same experience with my ds. Took him out of the brand new Hackney academy after 5 weeks of total misery. Crying at night and in the morning, moaning with dread as we reached the school gates, but couldn't put his finger on a specific problem. Just hated the place. And it was brand new, as I've said, so only 220 yr 7s, no scary big kids. He was also culturally miles away from the rest of the kids (except one or two), they treated him like a kind of peacock, not mean, just fascinated - 'do you live in a mansion, are you going to go to university - you talk like the prime minister' etc. But he didn't mind that, said they were funny and nice, it wasn't the kids, it was the prison-like environment, the hugeness, the de-personalisation they go in for, the strictness (he is incredibly well behaved and gentle but got double detention for forgetting his Spanish book) - constantly haunted by fear of breaking rules by mistake. There were 7 or 8 other kids equally distressed, sobbing at the gates every morning, but most dealt with it all perfectly well. Some are just more sensitive than others, I guess. Anyway, when he said he sometimes considered killing himself, I took him out. Took him to lovely St Christopher's School in Hertfordshire and he got in with a scholarship (godmother helping with fees and we will apply for a bursary next year). Antithesis of academy system - no uniform, teachers called by first name, school concerned with rounded happy children yet academically high achieving. Above all, small. Anyway, he is blissfully happy, back to the ds we know and love, and we as a family can breath again. If you know it's wrong, take him out. Make a fuss and follow your instincts.

Glad you are feeling more positive-hope it works out. I feel very strongly that DCs deserve the best for them, and it isn't good enough to drag on for ages in the hope that it might get better.

Great. Let us know how you get along with whatever route you decide upon

I do inevitable agree with those of you that have pointed out that there will always be nasty people. This is a sad fact. But do we have to spend a lot of time with them?!! At a young and tender age?! I wouldnt want to. He is in a culture clash with the large majority of kids around him. I dont want to send him to the school of hard knocks to toughen him up and give him the message that 'life is tough, deal with it'.. I'm hoping to give him the message 'find creative solutions'...

There may be nasty people but I don't think that a DC should be forced to put up with them!
I agree with cherryblossoms posts.
I would sit down with him and really get to the bottom of what exactly is upsetting him. I am a great believer in writing things down, you often spot things that you don't notice as they pass in conversation. Halve a sheet of paper and write the pros and cons of the school.
Once you have everything he can think of see it there are any pros that you can work on. If there are no positives it will tell you that it is the wrong school.
If it is the wrong school start with another piece of paper and make a list of what he wants to get out of education. Then write alternative schools or HE (only write down HE if you are able and willing to do it-there is no point in suggesting it if it isn't an option). If you do think along HE lines I would get him to make a list of pros and cons.
I would wait until half term and he is more relaxed. It maybe seems a bit formal but it makes him see that you are taking it seriously and involving him and it just helps to clarify things. You can even write it all down one day and both look at it fresh the next day-maybe a pattern stands out-e.g breaks are a problem or particular lessons.
If it seems that he can make a go of the school, work out some things that might make it better e.g learn a musical instument and join orchestra etc. Make an appointment to see Head of Year or form tutor.
If it needs a change make appointments to view other schools or contact education otherwise and see what they do in your area.
I wouldn't let it just drag on while he loses more confidence-be pro active and involve him. Good luck.

I just wonder if a chat with your older child present might help at all?

My instinct would be to prepare the possibility of home education (if it is a possibility for you all), and then offer it to him, either immediately or after Christmas if he wants to carry on for the rest of the term. IMO being able to fit in at school is actually not that useful a preparation for work life anyway.

But I'd consider whether your older one might perhaps want to join in - that might be a good thing, but you perhaps need to think about it.

I would find a new school or home educate. I have a DS in year 7; he has found it stressful enough without children being nasty or disruptive.

No child should be made to be as unhappy as your child currently is.

There are not lots of nasty or disruptive people in adult life. There is no value to your child experiencing such people at school.

I agree that we will meet nasty people throughout our lives and have to learn to deal with them, but in this case where the OP is talking of her DS being in such distress, it is not the time to learn to 'get on with it'.

OP have you looked at www.educationotherwise.org and other HE websites.
Have a read through the HE threads here especially any posts by julienoshoes who is fantastic at supporting new families looking into HE. You could start a thread asking for her and i'm sure she will be along to answer any questions.

Even if you do it in the short term, it will give your DS some confidence before he changes school.

You are obviously a very caring mum who does not wish to see your son suffer in this way.

It is very early days and DS was very unhappy when he started YR7. School was lovely unfortunately his old friends weren't and on top of it DS was very mature for his age.
I was a very worrying time, but the feedback I got at the time was lots of children have problems in YR7, it's a big change for them and we knew a few other children very unhappy at the time as well.
However by end of Year 7 DS really started to settle in, was made a lower school House Captain in Year 8 and now in Year 9 is very happy at school (but won't admit it )
I was told at the time it may take to Yr8/9 for them to find their niche, and although it may seem a long time ahead it actually flies past. Also I think now his year group are finally catching him up in maturity.

DS was happy to join clubs, but he tended to go to clubs where there were a lot of older children such as chess and 6th form electronics.

Sorry. I hate the way I over-post but I just wanted to add something ... .

I'm sure you're in communication with your ds but it might be worth thinking about what it is you need to glean from your talks with him.

You can use this time, maybe, to find out as much as you can about the specifics of what is making him so unhappy.

Kids are notoriously difficult to wriggle information out of, especially when they are in the middle of a situation which is ongoing. Also they have a weird in-built desire to protect their parents (!).

But analysing what it is exactly that he is finding so upsetting will make it a great deal clearer to you how to go about dealing with it. It will also help you work out what to look for if you do go down the route of finding another school.

It might be something really surprising. For example, an underlying SN, that hasn't flagged up at home or at primary school, that makes it hard for him to deal with the less structured (in some ways) environment of secondary school. Or it may indeed be some kind of bullying issue.

I'm probably teaching you how to suck eggs here. honestly, I do have a tendency to over-post. sorry.

Crying in bed in an 11 year old is seriously unhappy.

I'm so sorry for you.

you're already in dialogue with the school and you're already looking at other options, so I guess one of the reasons you are posting here is to guage: a. If this is a reasonable degree of distress/is this within the realms of "normal" and b. at what point do you take your reaction a stage further and home ed.

I could be wrong, of course.

OK. In my (limited) experience, I can't think how unhappy my ds would have to be to be crying at the thought of school. I would be taking things very seriously if he were. Yes, I would be considering home ed-ing if there were no other options.

And I really don't like to say this but I don't know any other child (in my albeit limited) circle who is that unhappy.

I'm really worried about posting this. I don't want to make anything worse but I am responding to what I have read as an implicit question in your post. And of course, I may have it entirely wrong. In which case, please ignore and forgive me.

OP I have just read your opening message again and you say that he doesn't like the disruptive children that are around. I'm afraid that this is one big life lesson that he has to learn. There will always be nasty people. You cannot insulate yourself against them unless you go and inhabit a previously uninhabited island! That is partly what I meant about the maturity that you need to gain.

I would check what set he is in as my older son, to my shame, was told that he could not be moved up a set until he sorted his (low-level) disruptive behaviour out. Setting in his school is not just based on ability. You might find that if he could move sets or classes he might be happier.

HE - He will be soo much happier. As you say, he is a birght fellow he can go straight into GCSE's and get a nice batch without the pressure of school. We do it

I just wanted to say that my daughter, while not being as upset as your son, was not fully happy for a long time in Y7. She had moved with quite a lot of other children from her primary school, but had had some problems there. We knew from my son who is two years older that quite often the children you're friends with in primary are not the children you end up being friendly with in secondary.

My daughter is now in Year 8 and a completely different child. She has found like-minded friends and, if I'm honest, although she was bodily mature, she needed to mature in her head.

I must admit that at our secondary school each form has two sixth form mentors. Has your son tried talking to them? Have you tried talking to his form tutor? It could also be that he has realised that secondary school is a big jump from primary, not just in size, but in expectation and also you have to spend a lot of energy organising yourself - there is no one to do if for you.

I would say hang in there. From what you have written it sounds like he may not be happy whatever secondary school he is in. I agree with deaddei. He just needs to find something or a teacher that he really clicks with. I wish you luck.