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Original poster

DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

62 replies

MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 11:04

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

OP posts:
edam · 11/03/2009 12:14

Could you also sign him up for some out of school activities he might enjoy? Would help his confidence if he can make friends somewhere else.

I have plans to get ds some martial arts lessons when he's older - just to make sure he has some confidence about handling aggression. Your ds may well not be interested in sport, but martial arts may be helpful. Or something completely different that boosts his confidence and gives him an opportunity to make friends - would he consider chess?

edam · 11/03/2009 12:10

FWIW I was horribly bullied at a similar age. My mother had no idea and when she found out the school was very unhelpful - teachers had known all about it but didn't care.

I ended up leaving that school. For which I am profoundly grateful. This may not be the right solution for your son, I'd try working with the school first, but it is worth investigating carefully. Why does your boy not want to move - are his reasons good or based on fear?

Could you check whether any other schools have vacancies, or whether any private schools offer bursaries/scholarships etc.?

girlandboy · 11/03/2009 12:05

I am a great believer in going into school and meeting the relevant teachers. I have done this at primary school and found it to be a positive thing to do.

I think the school took it far more seriously when dh and I were sitting there and talking to them face to face. I have found that talking on the phone had less effect than having a meeting.

The teacher's certainly seem to realise the gravity of the situation if the parent has made the effort to come to school and have a proper talk.

Hope you find a solution that's right for you and your ds.

ForeverOptimistic · 11/03/2009 11:59

I agree with edam about contacting Kidscape.

Do you work full time? Is there any way that you and your partner could change your hours to allow home education. You don't have to give up work completely to home educate.

edam · 11/03/2009 11:58

Ask kidscape (again).

At the meeting, explain ds is reluctant to go to head of year because nothing is ever done and fears being labelled as weak. Ask them what THEY are doing to do to protect him and resolve this.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 11:56

Gosh - cross posts! Thanks so much for all your replies!

I need to escalate things with the school, but I need some advice on how to go about it. DS has been told to report any incidents to his head of year, but has stopped doing so because he can't see the point as nothing changes. He is also painfully shy about approaching staff. He is afraid everyone thinks he is a wuss and a cry-baby.

OP posts:
edam · 11/03/2009 11:55

do start putting everything in writing. I'd have a meeting with the head of year, explain exactly what has been happening and that your chief concern is as soon as one incident is dealt with, something else comes along. Have you got a copy of the anti-bullying policy and are they meeting it?

Ds needs to know that you are not only on his side but taking effective action.

Would also suggest contacting Kidscape and asking for their advice.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 11:51

Thanks for your reply Batmanswilly (great name BTW!)

The school has been quite good about taking action over specific incidents, but then something else always happens. We haven't been putting stuff in writing etc yet, partly because we have tried to reassure DS that these were on-offs, and that everyone else has to deal with the constant low-level disruptive and unpleasant behaviour.

My experience is that most schools will brush this sort of thing under the carpet. They pay lip service to the anti-bullying policy etc, but nothing seems to change,

DS's self confidence is so low right now that we feel to move him somewhere new with no friends at all would be disastrous for him emotionally. He has stated quite categorically that he doesn't want to go to another school - he just wants to be left in peace.

There is only one possible alternative school, which gets truly awful results and also has a bad reputation for poor behaviour.

Home ed might be a last resort, but I would have to give up work to do this. We can't really afford it.

OP posts:
seaanemone · 11/03/2009 11:50

OrmIrian is right - it is complete rubbish.

Fwiw, I think you should start off by looking to the school to do more.

But ... are you sure there are no other schools? It might be worth looking into, now, just to get the ball rolling and before the GCSE stuff starts.

I do think changing schools is a bit extreme and maybe sends the wrong message. But looking ... well, it will give you both a sense of freedom and control.

A lot of my N. London friends send their dc to the Anglo-European in Ingatestone. Which is just an example; you can be imaginative in your hunt.

Good luck to both of you.

OrmIrian · 11/03/2009 11:40

"but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school."

Bollocks! Sorry but that is not OK. Wherever the school is and whatever the intake, bullying is never to be 'expected'.

So sorry for you and your DS. Could you contact the LEA is the school won't help you?

Buda · 11/03/2009 11:37

The school needs to do more generally about the culture of bullying.

DS's school is doing an anti-bullying/swearing week this week with lots of talk about it and what to do if it is happening to you or someone you know and making the point that by doing nothing to stop bullying you are effectively bullying also. In my view that means that your DS's school are bullying too.

Bullying is not easy to deal with. But by not dealing with it the school are sending a message to the perpetrators that it is not a big issue.

Your poor DS. I feel so sorry for him. And you.

BatmansWilly · 11/03/2009 11:30

oh god, that is awful. Your poor DS (and you).

The school should be taking this so much more seriously! I'm not sure what to suggest, could you contact the LEA? MP? to highlight the fact that the school think its normal to be bullied?? maybe force them into taking action?

Could you Home Ed?

Are there no other schools at all he could go to?