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Original poster

DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

62 replies

MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 11:04

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 14/03/2009 18:16

So sorry your poor DS is suffering with this.
I have a very shy, anxious DD, she was bullied badly in P6, so I know how soul destroying it is.

this website has been a great help for her anxiety, you tick the boxes that apply and you get a remedy made up. It might help yor DS with his anxiety.

Good luck, I hope you can get it sorted soon.

piscesmoon · 14/03/2009 18:06

'Is it worth emphasising just how distressed DS is becoming? In the past, the school have suggested that his unhappiness might be related to (non-existant) problem at home, rather than school'

Absolutely. Don't let the school suggest that it is a home problem or a problem with your DS- make them take responsibility. Ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy (they have to have one) and make sure they follow it to the letter. He has the right to go to school and be happy, he shouldn't have to be educated on his own to solve the problem.

Kayteee · 14/03/2009 17:49

I could put you in touch with a North London HomeEd group if you'd like to find out more about HE. There are a lot of families in your area, if you were worried about the social side of it. We went to a fantastic HE camp last Summer in near Epping Forest, there were at least 30 families together there. It was great fun. I'll give you my email addy if you want to find out more.

Sorry your ds is going through this. I have a 12 yr old ds too. He had a rough time at school so I know what it's like. He's a different kid now though. He has met loads of friends who are Home Educated, there are many families going for this option nowadays.
Hope you manage to sort something out for him soon though.

fimac1 · 13/03/2009 12:15

I would go straight to the head about this - write asking to speak to him in person and also detail as much as possible regarding the various incidents your son has suffered - it will give the Head chance to look into it before the meeting - ask the head what he is going to do about the situation - this is not for your son to deal with with the head of year, etc this is for the school to deal with seriously and make appropriate changes - it sounds like the culprits are being allowed to get away with it - at my dd school bullying is dealt with seriously and first offences are dealt with excusion from classes

We went to dd school head regarding a subject matter issue that we were very unhappy with and it was dealt with fantastically and the issue resolved very quickly

Good luck

Constantlycooking · 11/03/2009 18:25

Could you try one of the faith schools to see if they have any chance vacancies. Our local RC primary is heavily oversubscribed for entry at Reception but has been advertising vacancies in other year groups for weeks at Mass, so I imagine places become available at secondary level as well. I know you want to sort this out at school but it is always good to have a plan B!
It seems unfair that your DS should be made to feel like this - the school should really try to deal with this type of mental bullying - crying in lessons is really the equivalent of the bruises and cuts your DS would have if the bullying were more physical. It sounds like you are doing your best to support him. Good luck!

CrushWithEyeliner · 11/03/2009 17:04

two of his teachers mentioned that DS had been reduced to tears during their classes and had to be taken outside to calm down. They were sympathetic and supportive and the culprits were punished, but both teachers took the line with us that that DS was just oversensitive and would grow out of it.

edam · 11/03/2009 16:51

Oh Lord, all day every day, in lessons and out of them? How flaming miserable.

I don't see how you can describe someone as 'oversensitive' when they are being subject to physical attacks, called names and teased all day long. Did either of the teachers who said this know the full scope of the problem, rather than the incidents they witnessed?

DO please call Kidscape.

MargaretMountford · 11/03/2009 16:22

hope it's a good outcome

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 16:09

We live in North London, N3. It is quite important that DS can get to school using public transport because we do not have a car. We have good access to tubes/buses.

Just spoken to his form tutor. She will contact us tomorrow to arrange a meeting.

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MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2009 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABetaDad · 11/03/2009 15:34

Would you be prepared to say roughly where you live MrsFlittersnoop?

I am just thinking maybe somebody on MN might know a better local solution you could try.

MargaretMountford · 11/03/2009 15:16

for him

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 15:13

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. It is really helpful to get different perspectives on the situation.

The bullying is taking place in class, before class, between classes and at break times. There have also been a couple of incidents on the way home from school. At the parents evening a couple of weeks ago two of his teachers mentioned that DS had been reduced to tears during their classes and had to be taken outside to calm down. They were sympathetic and supportive and the culprits were punished, but both teachers took the line with us that that DS was just oversensitive and would grow out of it.

Part of the problem is that the majority of the incidents consist of verbal not physical bullying. I can see that it is virtually impossible for staff to monitor this in a school of 1000 pupils. DS has been identified as someone who can be made to cry easily. This, as you can imagine, is absolute social death in a boys school.

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Rowlers · 11/03/2009 14:24

When does the bullying take place? It sounds like it is between lessons / break times / lunch times?
As an interim, is there a way he could avoid these situations? Are there lunch time activities? A computer club? Chess club? Just a thought.
I would definitely go into the school for a pre-arranged meeting to discuss these problems.
No school should "let" these things happen.
My only other advice would be to be very clear what you want to happen / what you want to say. Be firm and calm.
Don't come accross as "hysterical" parents i.e. don't let your anger show, don't get weepy, don't make accusations - instead ask questions, ensure you get a plan of action from the school as to what they are going to do.
I hope things improve very soon.

MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2009 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milou2 · 11/03/2009 14:02

My message sounds too pro school. A few weeks ago I was actually telling my son yr 9 that whatever was happening re school it was never worth killing yourself over. I felt I had to say that in simple terms, ie I care more for him than I do for school attendance or gcses or whatever. There is always a way forward. I am always on his side, even if I get cross or emotional.

A school boy in a town near us had disappeared shortly after the start of this term, so it was an item on the news.

milou2 · 11/03/2009 13:52

Your son sounds absolutely lovely. The friends he has made are probably equally great.

Try emailing exact details of what has been happening and the effect it is having on your son, yourself and your husband and anyone else in your family. Do not mince your words, explain in clear, accurate terms what went on day by day this week to start with.

Copy your email to various people in the school, head, head of year, tutor, counsellor??? Plus to your other half so they know you are both aware of the written evidence.

Remember that the school is meant to be acting in place of you the parent. They are given the privilege of caring for your son for a certain number of hours a day. If they are not up to the job, please sack them. Throw the 5 outcomes at them, Every Child Matters. Health is the top one, being safe is the second.

Take your son to the gp and tell the school that you are getting his injuries, stress reactions documented by the GP.

It might be worth explaining in writing what you have said about your son wanting to stay at school because of his close friends who would not have the opportunity to meet up with him in person outside of school.

The school needs to help one of their pupils who actually wants to be there. What planet are they on if they just don't care?? They may become a better school as a result of all this. Am I deluded now!!

Lots of encouragement from me.

MargaretMountford · 11/03/2009 13:21

No words of wisdom to offer but just a huge load of sympathy to you and your boy - he sounds very much like my ds who is 11 and an only child too- though thankfully no bullying (teasing and some name calling but nothing more) Am sure the school can do more to help though,as others have said...

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 13:15

We have seriously considered home education. DH is self-employed and works from home. I have been working part-time since DS was a baby. We have friends who are teachers who could help out, and we could afford some tuition etc.

DS however, says that he would be terribly lonely and never see his friends. I've said he can always keep in touch out of school, but two of his closest mates are from very traditional religious families and only socialise outside of school with kids from their own community. We have known these children for 8 years and they never come to parties or accept play dates etc.

I have just started looking for a full-time job to kick-start my career again. I'm 48, and can't really afford to leave it much longer, especially given the current economic situation and the insecurity of DH's self-employment.

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Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 12:48

Thanks ABetaDad. I'm afraid you've confirmed what I believe will be the likely (non) outcome.

I'd be glad to get a male perspective on this. I've no idea if you went to a single sex school, but all my menfolk, DH, ExDP (my son's father) and my brother (shy non-sporty types) did, and sadly they all seem to think this is pretty much par for the course. We were at secondary school during the 60's/70s when admittedly things were very different.

My DH actually said last night that there are NO coping strategies for a kid in DS's situation except to tough it out until year 9/10 when this sort of bullying tends to diminish. This was certainly my experience in an all girl's school.

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ABetaDad · 11/03/2009 12:36

MrsFlittersnoop I x posted with your earlier @12.17.

Sadly, from what you say it seems the school is already throwing up the defences. Trying the 'it must be something at home' defence is such a despicably common response. This is NOT your fault or your DS' fault either.

They do not care how good your son is at school or what he has to contribute. I know you are in a bit of a pit of despair and I feel bad for saying this but I really do think the situation cannot now be resolved or reversed.

I do think home ed or moving school is the only option even though that is very bad option for you it could not be worse for your DS. I know how bad this was for my nephew and I really feel for you and him. I really do.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 12:29

I am actively seeking some out-of-school activities for DS, but he is very anxious about new social situations. I'm looking into sending him to the local Woodcraft Folk group with a neighbour's daughter (who has also been bullied at school). I'm also going to ask a boxing trainer I know if he might consider giving DS some private lessons until he feels confident enough to join the local boxing club. Sport in general is a problem for DS because he is not allowed to wear his specs for PE and he can't see a thing without them.

DS actually lashed out physically for the first time ever at a kid who was poking and taunting him yesterday. Inevitably, DS was treated as equally culpable by the teacher who dealt with the incident. DS has so much anger bottled up inside that I'm afraid that when he finally blow his stack he will really hurt someone.

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Strawbezza · 11/03/2009 12:20

Completely agree with earlier posters that it's the school who should be taking action. It's their responsibility. Ask them what this action will be. What, for example, are they doing about disciplining the bullies?

ABetaDad · 11/03/2009 12:18

I am trying to think of something practical to deal with this horrible situation.

I agree with others that the school is being weak on implementing its anti-bullying policy. However, I am afraid that if MrsFlittersnoop pushes too hard with complaints and official letters what will happen is that the Head and the LEA will just clam up and collectivley throw up the defences for fear of legal action. Then nothing will happen except a whole load of box ticking and flannel.

My own nephew is in a very similar situation at the same age and his mother has taken him out of school for home education. Moving schools is perhaps the best option but that may require a house move and perhaps not easy in the current situation.

Does anyone know of cheaper private school options (not that that guarantees a proper 'anti-bullying' stance of course)?

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 12:17

Right. I've decided to ask for a meeting with his head of year and form tutor and will ask them exactly what they are going to do in order to comply wih their anti-bullying policy.

Is it worth emphasising just how distressed DS is becoming? In the past, the school have suggested that his unhappiness might be related to (non-existant) problem at home, rather than school. What is the likely response if I say we are considering removing him from the school? Would they regard this as an easy way to get rid of a problem?

TBH, they can't afford to lose pupils like my DS. I just hope they realise this.

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