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Original poster

DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

62 replies

MrsFlittersnoop · 11/03/2009 11:04

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

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larry5 · 18/03/2009 20:34

If you possibly can I would advise moving your ds. My dd was bullied for 3 years at her secondary school and we fought hard for the bullies to be dealt with and the school would try, things would die down for a while and then it would all start again.

Dd sounds very like your ds in that she was clever, not sporty and quiet. One of the problems we had was that her school set up a group of pupils to whom you could go if you were being bullied but they were the ones who were bullying her. It got so bad at one stage that she had thought of killing herself which we did not find out until she had left the school.

In the end we moved to a completely different part of the country as dh was taking semi-retirement and dd started at a new school and within days of starting she was a completely different child.

piscesmoon · 18/03/2009 10:29

Well done MrsF-it helps enormously to have someone on your side and just to talk. You should be angry, it is completely the school's problem and they are to blame for not addressing it. Not all schools are the same and a good school will have zero toleration. DCs have one go at education and it should be good.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 18/03/2009 09:41

Hi everyone.

Kaytee, I've re-sent my email .

Well! I emailed Kidscape on Monday morning to apply for a place on the ZAP course for DS and on Tuesday morning we received a letter from them offering DS a place on a course in May!

There was a handwritten note on the form which read:

"I'd like to help (DS) as soon as possible and this is our first available course. He is an ideal candidate - it WILL help him. If you need any interim advice, please call me."

I phoned up and the ZAP manager spent over an hour talking to me about how to handle the school and how to help DS. She told me that DS sounds exactly like the sort of child who benefits most from the course.

She was absolutely marvellous.It was such a relief to feel someone was 110% on OUR side. She kept emphasising that we were not to blame, that this was not DS's fault but the school's.

She also advised us to start looking for alternative schools ASAP. She strongly recommended Acland Burghley school to us - we are out of catchment but they work closely with Kidscape and it is an easy commute by tube. Any familiar with it?

DS was delighted about ZAP. He filled out the questionnaire, which gave him a chance to talk more about his feelings and was quite therapeutic for him.

He came home yesterday to report that he'd had to leave his French class because of a nosebleed and when he returned his pen, pencil, rubber and pencil sharpener had disappeared. Cue meltdown. French teacher threatens to keep class in unless items returned. Items not returned but class dismissed at usual time and French teacher replaces DS's belongings from her own stock.

He then had another meltdown in his next lesson because boys kept calling out his name deliberately mispronouncing it (common name but Gaelic spelling - think of a certain yummy Irish actor ). It sounds pathetic doesn't it? But imagine this happening to you at work? . Teacher didn't do anything.

This is completely par for the course. Ignore the behaviour, or threaten punishment and then not see it through.

Since talking to Kidscape I have been feeling increasingly angry about the way we have been treated. The situation is having a huge impact on us as a family. I have been looking for a permanent job for several months (I've been temping) and was offered one last week. I would have been out of the house from 8.00am to 7.00pm five days a week, with no annual leave for the first 6 months.

After a huge amount of discussion and heart-searching I turned it down. DS needs me to be there when he gets in from school. I need to be able to phone and visit the school at short notice, to research and visit alternative schools and look into home-ed.

I had always planned to go back to work full time when DS was settled in secondary school, but he's not "settled" and there is not prospect of him being so for a long time. DS is my one shot at motherhood and I'm not prepared to fuck him up for filthy lucre. We can survive on porridge and lentils for a while longer.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 18/03/2009 08:09

Of course the school can resolve the problem-it just needs a strong senior management team and good pastoral care -however I will agree with katiestar that (given their attitude so far) the school won't resolve the problem. Therefore you need to be very active, whether you take it further, change the school or go down the HE route. Whichever you do, you need to be active yourselves and not leave it where the school has left it.

pinked · 17/03/2009 23:38

Have you thought about contacting Mossbourne in Hackney?

I suggest it because it looks doable from where you are - though I'm not great on geography; time it takes to cross London; and so on, so I might be wrong. I do know there are kids from Camden who go there, or there were, when it first opened. Because of the way its catchment works, there are children travelling to the school from quite a distance. So your ds won't be the only non-local.

The other reason I suggest it is because it's a school that is VERY strong on making sure there isn't bullying and anti-social behaviour. I know some parents find some of the policies the school has put in place to prevent that a little daunting - but it seems to be working.

Last time I heard about it, it was becoming popular as a school choice, so I'm not sure how it would go if you were to apply for casual entry at this stage from where you are. However, it must be worth a look and, if you can, a chat with the Head. If you visit and like the school, it might be worth telling the Head, in person if possible, that you admire their ethos and just why you would like your ds to go there. Put it positively; don't make it all about his current school.

They are VERY strong on allowing all their pupils to achieve their full academic and social potential. And they are doing their utmost to make sure this happens. It doesn't sound as though that is happening at you ds' school.

Fwiw, I think their academic results are going to be very good.

Like Katiestar I'm a bit worried about your ds' long-term prospects. There's a fair degree of year 7 "hazing" in any school and most of it blows over. But this sounds as though it's settling and the school isn't doing that much about it.

katiestar · 17/03/2009 22:45

I'm sorry but I don't think you are going to like what I have to say.

I don't think there is anything you or the school can do to resolve the problem.If it was the same few kids all the time bullying him ,then maybe there would be some hope.But it sounds like it is one group after another for the same reason.Your DS is a square peg in a round hole , he doesn't belong in a place like that.Nothing the school can do will change that.The likelihood is the more they try the kids will become resentful and it will become until your DS doesn't tell you about it anymore.

Two seperate teachers have told you your DS is oversensitive - no wonder. Please get him out of there ASAP - more damage is being done to his self confidence and self esteem every day this continues .De register him and become Home-edders while you look for a permanant solution.

christywhisty · 17/03/2009 18:17

Ds's school has a day in yr 7 with no lessons. The day is spent on anti - bullying.
They also have Bully Busters which are a group of children who others can go to if they are being bullied.

magentadreamer · 17/03/2009 17:52

At my DD's school one of the first subjects they had in PSCHE was bullying plus her form tutor did a form time bit on it as well. One thing that comes over loud and clear is that bullying will not be tolerated and nor will it be swept under the carpet. They even have a bullying box where they can report stuff anoymously if they need to. I can't offer much advice other than take this up with the head and the chair of govenors. As for the HOY saying it's the norm in modern schools that is the biggest pile of bull poo I've ever heard.

piscesmoon · 17/03/2009 17:44

I am absolutely appalled MrsF. It is taken very seriously in my DSs comprehensive and parents would have been called in. I wish that I had the answer for you- I agree with christywhisty and it is a complete cop out for the HofY to say that it is what you have to expect in schools. I would go to the Head and say that you are very unhappy at the way that it has been handled.

Kayteee · 17/03/2009 17:24

Oh, no email from you..did you see that I'd made a mistake with my first addy? It's the [email protected] you want...sorry

Kayteee · 17/03/2009 17:19

Doesn't surprise me, sadly. Will email reply later this eve. Sorry it went so badly.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 17/03/2009 13:41

do you think ds might like to talk in confidence to someone about his feelings?

childline offers confidential counselling for childre... open 24/7

0800 1111... free even from a mobile!

just tought you might want to pass this on to him. your poor ds. school sounds crap.

christywhisty · 17/03/2009 13:30

I am appalled at your schools attitude MrsF. My ds sounds very much like your ds, although not sporty in team sports, he is not bad at swimming and does sports like climbing and shaolin. His school takes bullying very seriously. He was bullied on the way to and from school but they still wanted to know what was happening.
DS's form teacher bought it up with us that they were worried because he was so quiet in form.
Now in yr8 he is thriving.

The boys ended up cyber bullying someone else. It was taken extremely seriously and investigated immediately. The boys were spent the rest of the week in ALE, then were put on report for two weeks meaning they missed school trips.Parents were talked to and the police were bought in to talk to the boys as well.
The HOY is talking nonsense in saying that is what you expect in schools nowadays.
DS's school is partially 10% selective on aptitude mixed comprehensive just north of London. We have an excellent headmaster who stands no nonsense.

DumbledoresGirl · 17/03/2009 10:51

Just read this entire thread (have a slightly vested interest as I also have a ds in Year 8 who is non-sporty and geeky, though I am not aware of any bullying, thank God).

The meeting you had yesterday sounds like a complete and utter load of bollocks. If I were you, I would be demanding a meeting with the head of the school, not only to ask what they are going to do about your son's welfare, but also to complain about the meeting you had yesterday. If the head of the school does not make him/herself available to you, I would go to the Chairman of Governors and/or the LEA.

It makes me furious that well-behaved, intelligent, co-operative pupils such as your son are not given the help they need.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 17/03/2009 10:27

Kaytee - I have emailed you!

Well, the meeting went as I'd expected.

Absolutely sweet FA. DS has simply been asked to keep a log of incidents.

We were promised a chance to talk privately with the staff without DS, but this did not happen. DS was asked to do all the talking, and was too intimidated by the formality of the meeting to express himself clearly.The HOY spent the whole time checking his watch. His form tutor who has seen him every day at school for the last 18 months did not utter ONE WORD during the meeting.

We were given no opportunity to talk about our concerns or discuss specific incidents, and were spoken to in a patronising and dismissive manner.

His Head of Year claims to have spoken to his all subject teachers and none had raised any concerns, but two of his teachers told us last month at the parents evening that they had dealt with bullying incidents in class, and were concerned about DS's emotional welfare.

Also, his teachers all commented to us that although very able academically, DS never participates in class because he doesn't want to attract attention to himself.

HOY also claimed they had investigated the cyber-bullying incident and had found no evidence, but DS is still being constantly approached by pupils with whom he is not acquainted who say they have seen the pictures on Facebook.

I have been contacted by his friends' parents on more than one occasion because their children have been upset by these incidents and are very worried about DS.

The Head of Year basically told DS he has to learn not to react to verbal taunting by bullies, keep out of their way at breaktimes, and that there are 1000 pupils in the school and there will always be unpleasant kids around that he will have to deal with.

As if he didn't know all this already!

There was no acknowlegement of the fact that this has been going on since year 7, or that before he'd even started at this school, DS's primary school identified him as a very shy kid who might be vulnerable to bullying at secondary school and arranged an extra day's induction for him.

So - I contacted Kidscape yesterday, and we are on the waiting list for a place on the ZAP anti-bullying course!

DH lost it a bit during the meeting . He demanded to know why teachers who were reporting bullying incidents were ALLOWING this to happen in class. This simply gave the HOY a chance to waste 10 minutes of the meeting with a pompous and defensive speech about the realities of modern schools.

So - the jury is out. There were enough factual errors in what the HOY said yesterday for us to start putting a case together. I am keeping an independent record of discussions and incidents.

Thanks again everyone for all your help and support !

OP posts:
magentadreamer · 16/03/2009 16:01

Hope the meeting went well.

gagarin · 15/03/2009 23:54

Mrs F - have you heard of Kidscape?

They do a one day course for parents and young people (seperate sessions) and one of my froends went on it wiht her boy and was very impressed.

It gave them both some more confidence.

Have a look

www.kidscape.org.uk/zap/index.asp

Heated · 15/03/2009 23:27

Been following the thread, hope all goes well with the meeting tomorrow.

There is lots that the school should be doing and am quite frankly astonished they have not been more pro-active in protecting your son.

Good luck

Kayteee · 15/03/2009 22:49

Good gawd, not it's not...it's [email protected]

Kayteee · 15/03/2009 22:48

MrsFlittersnoop,
Tried emailing but it got returned
Mine is [email protected]

piscesmoon · 15/03/2009 22:00

Hopefully you will galvanise them into doing something-good luck. I firmly believe that the victim shouldn't be the one forced out.

Original poster
MrsFlittersnoop · 15/03/2009 19:39

Once again, we are so grateful for all your advice and support.

Quick update - we are having a meeting tommorrow with DS's Head of Year and form tutor. I have a copy of the anti-bullying policy.

Re. the cyber-bullying incident - DS and two of his friends were photographed in the playground by a pupil with a camera phone (completely forbidden under school rules ) and DS was told that the pictures were doctored with hearts and flowers, captioned "look at these gay wankers" and put on the kid's Facebook page . We thought this was probably just a wind up, but DS has been approached by several kids, including some he's never even seen before from different year groups, and told they have seen the pictures on Facebook.

I reported this to the school several weeks ago and was told there would be a thorough investigtion. The Head of Year said he had an update for me about this.

A good friend who is a secondary school teacher in a neighbouring borough visited us today. He said that in his school, homophobic bullying is taken VERY seriously, and that this incident may be enough to frighten the school into action if we threaten to take it further. He teaches in one of the roughest schools in London BTW, (13% GCSE pass rate and in Special Measures ) so I think he knows what he's talking about.

Kaytee - thank you very much for your offer of info about local home-ed groups. Would you be kind enough to forward me some info? I am not on CAT, but can be emailed at crabthrobber at hotmail dot com. DH is very gloomy about all this, and seems convinced we will have to go down the home-ed route, so I've promised to do some research for him!

OP posts:
Kayteee · 15/03/2009 12:28

Ah, ok then, I get your point

piscesmoon · 14/03/2009 22:26

I didn't mean he would be HEd on his own-I appreciate there are large groups-I was referring to the fact that he has already said that he doesn't want to be HEd, he wants to stay at school and I don't think that he should be the one to move because the school can't (or won't)do anything about the bullying. It is naive to think that schools don't have bullying, but good ones don't tolerate it.

Kayteee · 14/03/2009 22:08

Piscemoon,
Sorry if I've mis-read your post but you say "shouldn't have to be educated on his own". If you were referring to Home Ed, nothing could be further from the truth. HE kids can mix a great deal with other kids (Home-ed AND schooled). They can share tutors with other families, join all sorts of HE groups, take part in varied activities/outings together. We even have a sports day! HE kids don't have to be isolated from others, infact my kids have many more friends than they did when they were in school

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