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Original poster

I've just had a phone call from the mum of one of dd's friends saying that dd is bullying her daughter.

135 replies

seeker · 13/02/2009 12:55

They are both in Year 8 at different schools. They go on the bus together, and apparently, dd has been ignoring the other girl, turning her back on her, deliberately leaving her out of conversations, generally excluding her until this other girl doesn't want to go to school and is in tears every night.

I am completely gobsmacked by this - I just didn't think my dd would behave like this - but I know that's what all bully's mothers say, so I'm ignoring my mother tiger feelings.

I'm not sure how to take it forward - I need to talk to my dd, I know, but do you think it would be a good idea to have a "meeting' with dd, the other girl, her mother and me? And I'm meeting dd and another friend for a pizza tonight - the friend goes on the bus too - should I talk about it with both of them or wait to talk to dd alone? Help!

OP posts:
Lovetingles2 · 13/02/2009 13:08

blimey, it does sound out of character then....
could it be something as simple as your dd just doesn't really want to be friends with this girl and girl is finding it very hard to deal with?

susie100 · 13/02/2009 13:07

Seeker - sounns like normal behaviour to me, not talking one day, bessie mates the next. Not what I would call bullying at all she is not compelled to talk to a girl on the bus is she?

CreativeZen · 13/02/2009 13:07

Yes, speak to dd alone first. If there is any discrepancy between what she says and what the other girls says, you could then speak to the friend you are seeing tonight to get an impartial third view.

Also, don't forget that, even if your dd is doing this, there may be a very good reason, such as the "victim's" previous behaviour.

Original poster
seeker · 13/02/2009 13:05

It really does seem out of character. I can imagine her losing her temper and saying someting horrible, but this seems like a sustained campaign.

Squonk - we've coincidentally just had a parents evening where we were told what a caring sensible thoughtful little friend to all the world dd is, and what an excellent form captain she is because she is so tuned in to other people's feelings!

OP posts:
Lovetingles2 · 13/02/2009 13:05

Well done you Seeker, for acknowledging that your dd might be at fault.
However, This could be a blown out of all proportion situation.
Were the girls good friends initally? How well do you know the other family? How was the mother on the phone? Will she accept fault in her own dd, I mean, does she think her dd is perfect?
I would sit down with your dd tonight and calmly ask her version of events. Then go from there.

cocolepew · 13/02/2009 13:03

Talk to DD alone first.

I had this problem last year (DD 'friends' bullying her). I phoned a Mum to talk about itand got a mouthful of abuse about how awful my DD was . So good for you for remaining impartial.

fryalot · 13/02/2009 13:01

And before you actually "deal" with anything, I'd get your daughter's side of the story. Teenage girls do lie and it's not necessarily going to be your daughter doing the lying.

Don't just assume that she is doing what she is accused of.

(but likewise don't assume that she isn't!)

I'll have a ponder while I'm tidying bedrooms and if I think of anything else I'll come back to the thread later on.

good luck

Fimbo · 13/02/2009 12:59

I would talk to your dd alone. I am glad you have realised that your dd may be doing this to the other girl and not thinking she is an angel.

My dd (yr 6) is going through something very similar at the moment with a girl in her class, I would never be able to approach the mother as she think her dd is wonderful.

fryalot · 13/02/2009 12:59

eek!

I would ordinarily advise you to let the school deal with it, but if they go to different schools this will be impossible.

The first thing I would do is ring her school though and speak to her form tutor or someone that knows her quite well and see if her behaviour is everything you would want it to be at school.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to also ask the form tutor for advice on how to deal with this situation, it's quite possible she has come across this before.

Also, it will give her something to watch out for in your daughter's behaviour at school, this does need nipping in the bud before it gets worse.

Tamarto · 13/02/2009 12:57

IMO i'd talk to your DD alone at least to begin with. See what the story is then decide from there.