I've just had a phone call from the mum of one of dd's friends saying that dd is bullying her daughter.

well you need to find out your dd's reasons why..if she'll tell you
then instill the values of politeness and how to treat others as you've said

don't think you need to get togethr with the other mum

I think you are being very even minded here, seeker. I think a lot hinges on how well you know the friend and her mother - are they calm, nice, reasonable people?

It all seems a bit odd, as the girls go to different schools. I agree the ignoring could have been the last straw.

You certainly need to talk to your daughter to get her side of this.

Also, work out what she should do on the bus to stop this girl accusing her of bullying - (even if the accusation is far fetched).

Perhaps your dd just needs to sit well away from this girl ( on the upper deck if she is on the lower deck for instance) so she can't be accused of ignoring her. She will be sitting too far away to be deliberatly doing this - and if she says a quick hello that's all she'd need to do.

good post tiggy,totally agree
yr 8 is when a lot of friendship groups change

The trouble with this situation is that it may not actually constitute bullying, but for you to say so at this point could look like you are in denial. If your daughter is singling this girl out for humiliation, taunting her or actually physically hurting her as a form of entertainment then obviously it is bullying. If she is encouraging others to ostracise her then it is bullying. If it is her decision to move on from the friendship for what ever reason, that is not bullying. Sometimes kids just decide they are bored or irritated by someone and don't wish to keep company with them anymore. Girls are notorious for ganging together to weed out the weaker one of the group. Obviously it's really upsetting for the other girl and how she deals with it will depend on how sensitive or self-confident she is, and whether or not she has many other friends to distract her. Being ostracised is horrible but unfortunately you cannot make everyone 'just be friends' if your daughter really doesn't want her around. Adults would not dream of spending their social time with people they find dull or annoying and yet we encourage our kids to do it all the time for the sake of an easy life!
It sounds as though your daughter has 'grown out of' this old friend since being at a new school, and unfortunately this other girl is possibly being a bit clingy? It's a very common situation. They can't always articulate why they are rejecting a former friend any more than an adult can articulate why they have fallen out of love with a partner. Awkward and upsetting but normal. The thing is when it's your child who is feeling hurt and alone it's all to easy to use the B word. Maybe your daughter just needs to learn to be a bit more sensitive to this girls feelings and try to extricate herself more subtly and slowly from the friendship in a way that is less hurtful.

or she could be one of those mums who gets too involved in her teens lives
I have come across some horrors

Am i the only one thinking at yr 8 this is a matter for the girls to sort out for themselves?

Different if there was actual malicious bullying going on ,but this just sounds like a typical girl bitch fest imo.

I am not sure seeker. I have friends who complain that their children are being bullied because they are not invited to every single birthday party and it makes them cry, (primary school though). My own DCs are not invited to All parties but they do not care and do not feel ignored as such but other children take it very seriously and loose appetite and sleep over it I am told.

When I said you should ask for more info It is not to say she certainly is NOT a bully (also I still think it is too strong a word for the situation you discribe IMO)but in the same time, you should not assume she IS because someone says so, talk to her teachers and even the bus driver to have a clearer pictureof how she behaves when not in the family environement( you do not have to decribe this event in particular, just as a general question "how do you think DD is doing in the friendship department, general behaviour in school... do they have any concerns...) talk to your Dd to see if she might not have realised that her behaviour could be hurtful to someone, talk to her friends or their parents to see if they had at any points thought that your DD could be a bully...

I think ignoring someone can be bullying actually ... if it's done in a particular way. I recall exclusionary treatment by a group of "friends" on the bus and it was bloody unpleasant.

But I think there's more going on here and sounds like there could be issues with the other girl. My dd and a couple of other girls were considered to be v. unpleasant towards an ex-classmate by the ex-mates mum; in fact the exact opposit was going on.

Get your dds side. Is there anyone else who knows both girls who may have some insight into what's going on here?

Seeker - it sounds as if you are handling this very carefully. Can you introduce the conversation with DD in a way that lets her admit mistakes if she has made them?

So, start by saying what was said at the parents' evening, then explain what the other mum has said, say you'd like to hear her side of the story, but also add that if she's made a mistake in dealing with this girl, or has got caught up in a group treatment of her, then you can help her think of ways to sort the situation out and get back on track ...

A friend of DS's is treating people a bit badly lately and I think he's a bit afraid to admit it and find coping strategies because he doesn't feel able to be honest about what's gone on.

It does sound like this is a story that will have more sides to it than the other mother's version.

I don't think ignoring someone is bullying either, unless she is encouraging others to do the same.
Perhaps the girl refuses to leave your dd alone?
It does sound a sad situation, but can't believe that your dd ignoring someone is sole reason for continual crying and school refusal

Oooh, sticky situation. I would talk your DD alone, but make sure you don't start in a accusatory way, see what her side of the story is. Even if your DD is doing what the other mother says it may not be that she is the instigator, there might be other girls involved.

No, she has her dd's version of events. She can't be sure of facts unless she was there.

As your dd doesn't attend the same school, it seems odd that this girl is refusing to go to school. After all, she doesn't have to sit with your dd on the bus. It sounds as though she may be a victim of bullying at school and is using your dd as an excuse.

Mmmm, wouldn't bet on it!

I would ask for more info as well. I would not have thought that ignoring someone was classified as bullying. Not the nicest thing maybe but bullying really?

Just realised I've done the opposite of summarising in one sentence what everyone else is saying

It sounds a bit extreme that a girl on a bus who doesn't go to the same school can be the reason for another girl not wanting to go to school at all. Maybe the girl is being bullied at school and used to have the bus trip with an out-of-school friend to look forward to, and now doesn't even have that. It sounds quite sad, whatever started it off. The other girl is obviously miserable. If the teachers have pointed out what a kind and thoughtful person your dd is, use this when you have a chat with her. Say it seems out of character, everyone says what a nice person she is etc etc.

I agree with Tamarto and Stickythread, this really might not be the reason the girl is crying, but is the straw that broke the camels back.
I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out easily and there is nothing particularly sinister about it, let us know how you get on.

Seeker - No you are right, even if the other girl is V. sensitive, it isn't normal. But there could be lots more to the story that the other mum doesn't know or didn't tell you.

It might be that your DD not talking to her was/is the last straw, you'll know nothing untill you speak to your DD.

You have a great attitude about it all, if your DD is like you in that respect i'd imagine it'll be easy sorted.

Just on the basis of what you have said, I'm not sure that this does neccesarily amount to bullying, does it? If your dd is participating in a campaign of ostrcising involving several kids or urging other kids to join in with her behaviour, then that is bullying. But just refusing to speak to her might simply be that she is angry, etc.

Even if not bullying, it is hurtful, and I'm sure you'd want to have a word with her about trying to rebuild bridges, etc. But to call it bullying implies an attempt to intimidate, or a maliciousness, that need not be there at all.

ah. In that case, speak to dd first and get her side of things. Make it clear that you are NOT accusing her, but you have had a phone call and want to get to the bottom of what's what.

Let us know what she says then we can decide advise you what to do next.

(yes, I'm going to tidy bedrooms in a moment. Honestly)