Private education for just one of my DC? Have you done this? Can I possibly....?

My DH went to the local comp, (younger) BIL to an independent. They aren't at all close, which I think is partly due to their wildly different experiences. MIL goes on and on about how fab BIL's school was and how dreadful DH's school was, which also makes DH a bit . They got exactly the same A level results BTW.

I went to private school, my 3 older sisters didn't (my brother did but was 7 years behind us so didnt come into it really)
I went as I got a full scholarship adn suffered such bad bullying I ended up leaving and going to local state, where I got on great.
I resented that my sisters seemed to get an easier ride as I was studying for mroe exams and had more homework, they resented that I was at the local 'posh' school.
There was a lot of rivalry between the 2 schools and it was hard for all of us, so that is another thing to consider.

Personally, I wouldnt do it, but then I was bullied for being 'poor' as I could only afford ot go there with the scholarship so that might not apply in this situation.

I think you should send her, and see how you go with the others. Maybe your other DC will be perfectly happy and flourish at the state school, or maybe you could save a bit for a couple of years to get a 'buffer' in case of a bad financial year? I think its is important to consider the future, but really, you need to make a decisio for th here and now, because you just don't know what wil happen in the future.

Another thought - it sounds as thought your DD's year group is the problem - are there any other State schools nearby that your DD could go to, rather than a privae school?

Best wishes, whatever you choose

The school my ds has started at is viewed as the 'non-academic' one where we live. Until recently they and the other private school did SATs. My ds's school results were always significantly better than the school that is considered to be the academic hothouse but is less good at blowing its own trumpet. The difference I noticed between the two was the children at the school I chose seemed happier. Leavers from my ds's school do a mix of very selective, non-selective or local grammar.

A preparatory school puts a lot of emphasis on to destination senior schools, and getting children into the right ones for them. This does not mean they are always academic. They tend to cater for a broad spectrum of children and will work to get hte academic ones in to selective schools, needy ones into nurturing schools etc.

No, they're not, I appreciate that, but I can't think of any round here that aren't. I was trying really hard to think where I would send my DC's if I wanted somewhere kind and nurturing where they would get really close attention and support if they were not academic and I couldn't think of one single place. I really do not know what we would do if we found ourselves in that situation.The independent schools here define themselves on where the children go onto next.

Not all independent schools are acadamic hothouses, pbmt.

Just to add that your reason for choosing a private school is because your daughter is lacking in self confidence and self esteem. Why do you think that a private school would make this better. There are a number of children in our school who have come from private schools and the overiding message I'm getting from the parents are that the childrens confidence increased 1000 times when they came into the state school. Obviously all schools are different but many private schools are very pushy, I am hard pushed to think of any round here that aren't, and academically orientated and for children who are not that way inclined and the academic pressure can be detrimental to their development. Most of the schools will say that they develop the childrens confidence etc but if that's what you're looking for then don't take the schools word for it, talk to all sorts of parents and get a real picture.

If that's the only reason for moving your child then could they get that confidence from other activities ie drama or karate?

Please don't think that I am anti private schools, I am not at all, I am very pro but I am also very sure that they are not the answer to all problems and that there are so many that one can't automatically assume that private means that it will meet your childs needs by virtue of how it is funded.

Scruffysoandso, Do you have a particular school in mind? I feel very strongly that one should not go private for the sake of it and for being "fair". Obviously if one child is at a poor state school and the other is at a fantastic independent school then that's unfair but if the state school is offering a good education and meeting that childs needs then what is the point of moving them? If it isn't then that's a different question altogether. If the situation is that the one in state education is at a poor school then a consideration would be to look for a better state school and this is often easier later into the schooling as children leave and places come up which don't have to necessarily be filled by children in the catchement.

I certainly wouldn't work full time and all te hours in the world just to pay school fees if the state option was fine. If the state options were dire then I would work 24/7 to pay fees. If you do send all your children privately just to be fair then what does that mean for extras? I am not talking about skiing trips and things like that as I think that it is perfectly fine to say "no, you can't do that it's too expensive" and there will be plenty of children who can't go skiing / on rugby tour / to visit pompeii etc. However, if it means no extra curricular activities, no summer camp, no football lessons, no cubs/ brownies / guides then perhaps private is a step too far, these things are extremely important IMO, and far more important than a private education where there's a good state alternative. Children need more than school and if it means that they can't do anything over and above school then I wouldn't do it.

Scruffy, someone I know who works in the sector told me LOTS of fees are paid by someone other than the parents... so are they any grandparents/godparents you could beg for help?

at least. It means I work rather than SAH.

Gosh that must set you back at least £40k a year

We are all private now, but have used a mixture in the past. It has not been a problem for our children. You have to look at each child's individual needs and weigh up their needs vs the needs of the whole family.

I know lots of kids who have siblings and grammer and private and I don't think it is a problem for those families.

We have on in state and one in independent - the independent was an experiment, but after DS1 had been there one day (!) we knew we should have done it years ago, and DS2 will definitely go independent. If you can only afford one, I would not send the one, as you will see the difference and fret that the others are not getting the same opportunities.

Do you know that it will be exactly the same children at high school, without any new ones? That would be unusual.

Shame dd's class/year are so tricky.

Me and my brother both went to state school. I resented that I couldn't audition for a specialist music school because they couldn't afford for us both to go private and wanted things to be fair. I had heaps more money spent on all my music lessons anyway, whilst db even managed to have those in the state system.

It'll never be fair if one of them has an expensive talent!

Me and my sister went to private school. My brother didn't. However he had left or was in his last year when I moved to private. Originally it was just me cos I won a scholarship and my parents couldn't really afford to send me. My Aunt saw how good the school was and helped my parents pay for her to go aswell.

My two brothers went to a private school, and I didn't.

Complicated circumstances - I did not get a place at the private school initially, was deeply unhappy at the government grammar school where I was, but by the time I got a place I had decided I wanted to stay put at the grammer school - partly because I had finally settled in, and partly because I knew the financial preassure my parents were under at the time.

I think there were times I whinged about my brothers longer school holidays and exciting excursions, but actually it wasn't a big deal and I don't resent it even slightly now.

Having said that, the school I went to was very good, and cost prevented my brothers from going to all the expensive overseas trips etc at their provate school, so in the end we had fairly similar educational experiences.

If your other DC would be left at a 'bad' state school or onw with limited extra curricular opportunities, I think it could be a problem. But if thy are happy at their school, then I'd say it probably wont be.

My youngest brother goes to private school, no resentment from me and sister unless we are using it to get my Mum to do something i.e. - Muuuum, you really should buy me this top I love as you have sent DB to private school all of these years etc

We understand it was under different circumstances - financial in our parents case. My best friend went to state and her brother went to private as he was dyslexic and his parents felt he needed more support than the state school could offer, no resentment between any of them either.

If it is right for your daughter then do it, just try and ensure they have the same opportunities open to them in the way of clubs etc.