DS is 12 and in year 7. He has always been a very confident child, quite loud and chatty, funny, very expressive and he has never really cared what other people think of him. He is quite camp/feminine in the way he talks and moves and has always been like that. He loves singing, pop music, drama and musical theatre, does his skincare, likes doing his hair etc. He is very determined and can be quite stubborn.
He was at a really small village primary, there were only about 18 children in his year and most of them had been together since reception. He had a good group of friends there and was generally very happy. He did get the odd comment about being “girly” but it was never anything like this and he was comfortable being himself.
When he started secondary he was actually really excited. He was adamant he didn’t want one of the Nike bags or a plain black backpack like loads of the boys have. He chose this: https://uk.justhype.com/products/hype-unisex-multi-pastel-prints-badge-backpack
At first it was mainly boys in his year making comments about the bag but it has spread beyond that now. There are older boys who have started joining in as well, including some year 8 and 9 boys apparently. DS says they see him around school and make comments about the bag, call it a girls bag, ask if it belongs to his sister, call him gay etc. Some of them don’t even know him. They’ve just picked up on what the other boys are doing.
And it isn’t really just the bag anymore. They make comments about the way he talks and copy his voice, take the piss out of the way he walks and moves his hands, call him names because he is feminine and make comments about the things he likes. He says they will see him and start doing the voice or saying things like “here he comes” and laughing. One of them apparently took a photo of him with the bag and sent it round a group chat. I haven’t seen the photo or the group chat myself so I can only go on what DS has told me but DS isn’t in it
He has also told me they make comments when they are getting changed for PE, including things about him being gay and comments about his body and appearance. He doesn’t want to repeat everything they’ve said and I don’t want to keep pushing him for details, but it is clearly more than boys just saying they don’t like his bag. They seem to have decided he is an easy target because he is different to them.
The school have been pretty useless tbh. I’ve spoken to his form tutor and head of year more than once and every time it comes back to “we have no evidence” and that they can’t take action based on what DS says happened. They say they will keep an eye on things but DS says the same boys are still doing it. I understand they can’t punish a child for something they haven’t witnessed but surely they can actually do something when a child is repeatedly naming the same boys and describing the same behaviour? Especially when it isn’t one incident and now seems to involve older pupils too.
On Friday one of them shoved him into a locker after another comment about his bag. He wasn’t hurt but came home absolutely raging and said he can deal with them himself. He is still very confident and keeps telling me he isn’t scared of them, which is him, but I’ve noticed other things. He now wants a plain black school bag even though he was so adamant he didn’t want one before. He has also decided he wants his hair cut. He showed me a picture on his phone and it is basically the haircut most of the boys at his school have. He normally loves doing his hair and has never cared about having the same haircut as everyone else, so this has really bothered me.
I think he is starting to work out that if he looks and acts more like the other boys they might leave him alone. That makes me really sad because there was absolutely nothing wrong with him before.
His dad thinks he needs to stand up for himself and has even suggested boxing. I don’t agree with that. I don’t want DS hitting someone and then being the one who gets punished or excluded, especially when the school already seems to be doing very little.
I don’t know whether to just keep pushing the school or go above head of year and make a formal complaint. And do I let him get the black bag and have the haircut if that’s what he wants? I don’t want to make a huge thing of the bag and tell him he has to keep it, because ultimately it’s just a bag, but I also don’t want him thinking he has to change himself to stop other people picking on him.