12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

The parenting failure falls completely with the useless and lazy parenting of the bullies. Too many useless parents in the UK unfortunately and schools cannot reverse shit parenting.

Sorry I agree, you need to do everything you can to help him blend in. Secondary school younger years are just not for self expression. And I hate to say this but it’s just true. He needs to comply with the unofficial uniform.
so sorry Op 😢

I simply would have refused to buy a boy this. What he’s going through is awful but predictable. That doesn’t mean school shouldn’t act, they should and if they carry on if out in a formal complaint and take it to governors if needed. But this is a massive parenting failure.

It’s really difficult to explain what I mean to people who are looking in from the outside, but I’ll try.

I’ve worked in secondary schools - and stood up for countless children/got them excellent results/sent them to great destinations - for more than two decades. I have taught many boys with long hair/crazy bags, and they’ve got on just fine with zero bullying and minimal stupid comments. The anti-bullying policy generally works at my school, because children are accepting of difference and we are able to stamp out counter-cultural behaviour. We will never, however, be able to stamp out unfiltered stupid comments towards others from kids who are, for whatever reason, feeling bad about themselves. Remember, we are working with children, and we are trying to teach them impulse control, when perhaps this message isn’t reinforced at home.

My advice is based on how schools work. If everyone brings their whole selves to school (including teachers!), nothing gets done. Schools rely on children learning certain ways of operating that get them through the school day. School uniform exists, for example, to create a sense of belonging and to reduce opportunities for bullying.

If a child decides that they would like to operate outside the norm, even a tiny bit like OP’s DS, they can choose to ignore this absolute nonsense from certain other pupils and crack on, or they can cave and conform.

OP’s son has a choice: style it out knowing that teachers won’t be able to stamp
out every comment, or just blend in and there’s nothing to comment on. It depends on the child’s personality as to which they choose.

Say what you will about home education but this herd mentality of school kids is rarely seen in HE. We encourage our DC to be accepting of others and are present at social gatherings in order to enforce/teach/model this behaviour. Schools could learn a lot …

the school sound crap - I’d be complaining more and definitely going to the head if needed. I’d also let him have the bag and haircut. Sometimes we all ‘give in’ to social norms.. I often think this when I see women who are mostly all dressed the same!
there are very few avenues of life where people genuinely stand out. I would offer him plenty of activities after school etc to help him make friends outside of school aswell x

I don’t think it’s ’that deep’ as the kids would say. But hopefully it will die down.

I think if the majority in his primary class went to private or grammar schools he was probably in a primary school in a high achieving and affluent area. Secondary schools by their very nature tend to have such a broad catchment that even affluent ones will have a handful of children from rather less educated backgrounds and the reverse is true as well: very rough secondaries will have a few children from very educated and middle class backgrounds.

It can come as a shock to the system for even fairly streetwise children just how different secondary school is. Many disguise it well and adapt very quickly (not always for the better!)

Chances are this will blow over. If he’s flamboyant by nature he may find his niche in drama or music and find like minded kids. An identity does not rest on a bag or a haircut when all is said and done.

Problem is, if the school is near enough, the kids will all have talked, and moving won’t help.

Can you change schools to give him a fresh start?

And absolutely- by the black bag. You were mad to allow the pink one!

I agree with your husband about the boxing. At least he’ll learn to block if he’s assaulted. And if he does end up having to punch back, they might think twice about messing with him the next time. I don’t advocate violence, but this isn’t going to stop by asking nicely. The school need to step in.

Can you change school? Start over, less of a target, toning it down for now? I know this is heartbreaking, everyone should be free to br who they are. Unfortunately it's not like that, even for adults, and we have to protect our children from bullies.

It’s bullying. It’s escalating and the school are doing nothing whatsoever.
Im sorry to say this won’t improve and is showing signs that it will get worse.
I would move schools and fast, whilst your son still has some confidence.

I really would not advise this.People trot out this shit assuming that the other boy is just going to run away and not retaliate! Your boy could get seriously hurt and the incident will be viewed as a fight not your ds being bullied.

Definitely let him have the black bag and the haircut. I would actually consider moving schools if there are other options close by so that he can have a fresh start.

You should’ve told him that bag wasn’t appropriate. You basically sent him with a target on his back.

secondary school is brutal and I’m sorry he’s being bullied and the school sound crap.

I’d ask for a face to face with the head asking for an explanation in person about why the school has taken no action to stamp out the bullying of a year 7 child. Find your anger here, this is outrageous. Yes the bag’s given him some unwanted attention, but the victim blaming on this thread is disgraceful.

What WERE you thinking with the bag ?!!

My ds went through the same, it led to him becoming a persistent school refuser. Like your ds he is quite feminine ( he is gay) he had a terrible time including having his brand new backpack straps cut by one boy, his property damaged, him suffering a head injury. I complained to his head of year & got nowhere, they blamed ds for being different, I ended up contacting my MP who put a rocket up the school & I got a meeting with the Headmaster but still nothing changed. At the beginning of Y10 ds finally found his own tribe, all the kids who had been bullied for being different joined together, many of them are gay or trans but they stuck together & are still friends at 22, one girl who is ds best friend was a witness when he got married. Please keep on fighting for your ds, contact the Head, the governors or even your MP if need be, quote the anti bullying section from the school's website & don't let the school ignore what is happening.

I’m so sorry for your son. What a bunch of boring horrids he goes to school with.

Tell him in less than 10 years, everything he wants to express about himself will be genuinely celebrated. But right now he’s surrounded by people that are too immature and insecure to tolerate anyone even slightly more interesting or confident doing their own thing. It’s very sad, but it’s them not him.

For now, if he wants to “fit in” he can try - but it might already be too late, and you might have a long road ahead 💐

Get him a different bag. High school
is brutal.

Teachers also know it’s not meant nicely and it can be addressed (and absolutely should be!).

yeah, id definitely get him the bag, and the haircut. Even my 8yo dd would think that bag is "baby-ish", sorry. When in Rome... and all that. I hope things get easier for your son OP xx

School staff don’t have to directly witness something to make some level of judgement about what’s happening and identify some of the people involved. An effective investigation will involve statements from onlookers and reviewing CCTV. Someone, somewhere will have seen something and some kids (most kids are nice and hate seeing bullying) will name those involved. I find it highly unlikely that the school cannot find anything substantial enough to be evidence given that you’ve said it’s happened on multiple occasions. Also, it’s irrelevant if they can’t identify every perpetrator immediately. Even if they can only identify one, they start with that one and then the message starts to get out. Pull at the thread and it will begin to unravel.

I’m so sorry for your son. How wonderful that he has such a strong sense of himself, which will certainly be an asset as he grows up. Nonetheless, this kind of behaviour is appalling and should have been dealt with rapidly and before it got out of hand with children jumping on the bandwagon. This is when someone is at risk of becoming a general target as opposed to experiencing a few unkind comments that are then dropped.

Go through the anti-bullying policy line by line. Make clear notes on every incident and gather names from your son of perpetrators and potential witnesses. Send this information to the school, highlighting where they have failed to meet their policy (assuming this is the case) and noting the dates and content of all contact so far.

Communicate everything in writing from now on. Follow up any phone contact with an email - “As per our call, I’m noting that you agreed that the next steps you will take are X, Y and Z and you agreed to update me by [DATE]. Include a senior leader in your communications. Ask that the key updates come from a senior leader - stop going through the form tutor because this has escalated to a level of seriousness that is beyond their remit.

Also get the school complaints policy. I would make a complaint immediately because to my mind (as someone who worked as a senior leader in schools for a long time and has seen this sort of thing more times that I care to recall) it has already gone too far.

If you continue to get a poor response, contact the chair of governors or trustees.

Also, your son has been assaulted in school. Every child has a right to feel safe in school. If you wish, you can call the police. I would consider this but it’s up to you and your son, and you may want to see how the school responds. In my experience, police involvement sends a message to all but the most hardened.

Keeping following up in writing (daily if necessary) until you get to some sort of resolution. Work with them but don’t be afraid to be a thorn in their side until things improve. The school should be doing three things immediately:

1. Putting in place a safety plan (call it this in your communications) for your son. This doesn’t need to be known by other students but will include things like staff being aware to keep an eye out for him, arrangements for transitioning between lessons, making sure he’s safe arriving at and leaving school.
2. Immediately and thoroughly investigating.
3. Providing wraparound support for your son - e.g. opportunities to check in with the school wellbeing lead.

Bullying is difficult to address and often done in a hidden way. Nonetheless, experienced staff will know how to conduct a thorough investigation and the reality is that most of the students involved will be ‘hangers on’ who, with the right approach, will share some information and will be fairly easy to persuade to stop. Those are the kids who know it’s wrong and probably feel a bit uneasy about it, and need telling and consequences.

That leaves dealing with the ringleaders. That can be more difficult but again a good school will have clear and proportionate consequences, plus should also do some pastoral work with those students individually to help them think through their choices, what drove them and why they are wrong.

Good luck with this. I am angry on your behalf. Check back in if we can help any further.

I also didn’t go to school here and am surprised by the assumption most UK people have that secondary school is by its nature a vicious environment to be endured. They’re right, of course, about uk schools but it’s awful! My DS also being bullied (he’s autistic and an easy target) but the school are being proactive. I hope things improve for your son soon.

is there a school that would be a better fit for him? I’m not in the UK but there are definitely certain type of schools that are a better fit for kids who don’t conform here.

The bag is babyish. It would be shunned by my DD. So I see it’s making him a bit of an obvious target. I’d buy him whatever he wants and let him get his hair cut but tell him you love his taste and that is perfect as he is. The school doesn’t sound like they do a good enough job on bullying. Write a letters that details the instances and reflects their bullying policy language.

But really a school where all the kids have the same hair cut doesn’t sound like the school for him. For people saying what do you expect the school to do, I think there are schools that put focus and effort into creating a culture of inclusivity and belonging and that this prevents this type of thing.