12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

My eldest was bullied on and off all through secondary so you have my thoughts. If you have no success with the form and head you need to email and copy in the governers. We even went to the local MP and things did improve x

The voice of reason.

Move him.. it’s only year 7, and get him a boring black bag to fit in.. he can be original as he likes in college, but other year 7 s can’t deal with difference yet and he doesn’t have to be their punchbag..

I was always friends with the camp boys at school - honestly it’s hard to be a gender non conforming boy and I think that’s maybe part of the reason we see a lot of young camp boys identifying as something else other than a boy. They get more protection from the school.

Honestly, it’s going to be hard for him. That’s the bottom line of it. In my experience it was often the older girls who would end up protecting these boys and telling the rest to lay off, but I don’t know if that’s the case these days. Keep on at the school, and keep encouraging him to be himself. If it were my son I would be encouraging him to continue being himself and explaining that it will be hard. I’d be realistic with him (in an age appropriate way).

If the physical stuff continues I think you should look into moving him but maybe don’t jump the gun. Could be out the pan into the fire.

OP is apparently not English and other countries do not have such narrow, conservative cultures with intolerance of difference. There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

While bullying can be found anywhere, it is not true to say that all secondary schools are “horrendous” - state schools in big cities where there are many different cultures and in the private sector, there tends to be more inclusivity of difference.

Girls would have been bullied for that bag too. The last thing KS3 students want is to be seen as immature or babyish.

One issue here is that your DS is stubborn, and the best thing you can do is help him develop his social intelligence. Secondary school rucksacks are generally dark, so I’m surprised your school has no policy on this.

I’d get him a dark backpack and let him personalise it with cool badges, LGBTQ ones if he identifies that way, or anything else that reflects his personality, like his favourite TV show, places he likes. Let him have his hair how he wants and encourage his talents too. Does he attend a good drama club outside school? Is there a sport he enjoys? Getting onto a team can really help socially. It's not what he looks like that matter but that he develops his awareness, skills and talents.

Saying all that, the school doesn't sound very good.

If your DS is up for it, I absolutely would look into the boxing lessons.

Not so he can hurt someone; so he can defend himself.

I normally think its a good idea to stand up to bully's as it helps the child's confidence - but I worry how wide spread this is amongst older age groups now and the school's lack of help. I would consider moving schools if you can and give him a fresh start.

I think if you did not go to school in the Uk you might want to find a friend to sense check some things with them. That bag is designed for young primary school aged girls - there is a review from a mother saying her 9 year old loves it. I would not have let my daughter take such a brightly coloured young child looking bag to high school as it would make her look young for her age and be a target for this sort of thing. All our local high schools ask the kids to bring in dark coloured bags.

Your son is telling you he is OK but clearly he is not so you are going to need to step in and work out a better path for him. Is there a drama type school locally he could do to?

Marital arts would be a much better sport than boxing for many reasons including less risk of head injury, broken nose, but also the moves are legal when used in self defence. But neither sport should be confused with self defence which is a legal principle not a set of activities. What he needs right now is self defence training.

But if my kid was at a school were SD training was necessary to protect from other kids not outside predators I would seriously consider moving schools.

I know it's not right and you were trying to do the right thing by giving him autonomy but you sent him into a viper pit with a pastel girls bag, this was always going to happen.

School should be doing something of course but if he wants a peaceful life he needs to conform to the masses. Secondary school is horrendous but it's not long in the grand scheme of things.

I have actually looked at the anti bullying policy and it says they should investigate reports of bullying, speak to the pupils involved and take action to stop it continuing. It also says they should make sure the child being bullied is supported and feels safe in school. The behaviour policy says physical aggression, homophobic comments and harassment are not tolerated either.

The correct response to a report of bullying is not ‘we have no evidence’, but ‘we will investigate and get back to you.’

If I were you I would quote each point of their policy and ask for evidence any of it has been followed. They don’t appear to have investigated, don’t appear to have spoken to the students, they have taken no action. They have taken zero steps to make DS feel supported and it’s very clear that homophobia and harassment are tolerated.

I think you need to write to the head of year, the safeguarding lead and the head outlining the fact they do not appear to be following their own bullying policies.

Boxing or self defence is a good idea, being able to fight back if you are being attacked in a group situation is essential, we teach our kids to be able to defend themselves. My youngest was bullied by older kids, one punch square in the nose of the bully stopped it and now they all say hi to him in school. He did get a suspension, but in my eyes one suspension is better than a whole school lifetime of being bullied by large groups of kids constantly…escalating into physical violence in and out out of school which it already has in your case.
its the law of the jungle in school, not all kids are nice kids and it’s already started for your son. I’m sorry to say unless he can now stand up for himself it will continue. The school is unlikely to be able to stop it, sadly. There was some horrific bullying at my all girls secondary, one girl was singled out in year 7 and even when she walked down the corridor everyone would either run away or shout stuff at her, it was horrible.
I agree with your husband tbh, I have boys and I’ve seen how the social dynamics operate, there is a hierarchy and it kind of operates in physical prowess like a bunch of lions. My boys are quite gentle but they certainly will defend themselves which has helped them to stay out of the sights of those who want to dominate the pack.
Listen to your husband on this one, he is male and will understand the dynamics. I wouldn’t put any faith in school to be able to stop it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with boys doing ballet.

OP you need to contact the safeguarding lead and use the word safeguarding in every communication. Tbh I wouldn’t have let him have the pink bag in the first place, secondary is about uniforms both official and unofficial, girls would have the piss taken out of them for carrying that round too. You can be yourself without carrying around a statement bag.

I would say the school sound shit though, what evidence do they expect? Kids don’t have cameras fitted to them. I would also say some comp secondaries are definitely more toxic than others. Dd1 went to one for 3 years where all of the kids just seemed to go out of their way to be vile to each other. Dd2 is at a different school where that just isn’t the case, she says all the girls in her class are nice etc. Yes of course there are some who aren’t but they are the minority.

High school is a jungle and anyone who is different will be singled out. Of course young people should be who they want to be but jn this instance he needs to blend in with the crowd. I dont think letting him have a pink bag has done him.any favours.
He will find his people eventually, but for now if he wants to survive he needs to blend in.
Sad but this is how it is and always has been.

The class was a pre school class.

nobody in the class was at school. Some were at nursery, some were at pre school some didn’t go to any organised childcare.

@Octavia64 Dc are of course ignorant. Hopefully you can get to see professional ballet with MEN!

I think the DS here will have to find his tribe. They will be the tolerant dc but they will be there. Unfortunately there will be intolerant dc too - in every tutor group. So I’d get him to try and fit in for the time being but no school can force friendships where they don’t naturally exist. I’d just try and get him to agree to go under the radar for a bit. See how it goes. If the school investigate bullying you can expect your DS to be a target again. They will all know who complained. I’d try the easier route first.

Yes, you need to do this - the school should be taking this a lot more seriously (I am a secondary school teacher). They need to be addressing this properly. They would fail an Ofsted inspection if they’re seen to be useless on bullying.

Yes but i can guarantee the kids in the ballet class would have been school kids, not HE kids

This 💯

I think you mean parents could learn a lot.

It turns out that he does care though . I wouldn't have bought the pink bag for my son when was just starting senior school , it is obvious he would be made fun of . My Gs is similar and is gay , he's 18 now and is accepted for his style at uni but dressed fairly conventionally at school to avoid the bullying . Buy him the bag and let him cut his hair fgs . He can dress how he wants when not in school but he needs some direction from you or his school years will be miserable .

For sure. But this is partly because we encourage DC to be themselves. Bit of a chicken and egg scenario i suppose because parents who choose to HE may be inherently alternative from the start.

The herd mentality exists outside school.

my (male) dc wanted to do ballet aged 4 so not yet even in school. He had lots of comments about how boys don’t do ballet, from kids in school and kids in pre school.

the teacher was happy to take him but she did warn me that the boys don’t last because there are just too many comments.

it’s not one child or a group of children bullying it’s literally everyone they come into contact with saying ballet is for girls.

Yeah. But all HE kids are a bit alternative so