12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

This is good advice. It’s not clear at this age what his sexual orientation will turn out to be - some straight men can be camp. But this doesn’t sound like a school where you would want to find that out.

I wonder where the kids get the idea that everyone should fit in and conform… this thread is unreal.

First rule of subtext, people don't say what they mean. Often those saying they don't care mean the opposite. It's like a spell to ward off the hurt. I wouldn't hold him to his literal words. However confident he acts, cruel comments will impact him and he'll be struggling with who he is and how to manage that in this place that doesn't accept him. It's hard being that age and extra hard being different. Pointing out that he does care or he wouldn't be complaining won't solve the real issue which is the bullying, and which the school could and should police. It needn't have to escalate to him being hurt and threatened to be taken seriously.

So this is where you project Western assumptions onto countries you’ve never visited. (Bearing in mind I’m from 2 of the countries I listed.)

“Most”? What does that even mean? Meso & South American and African countries have very different cultures

Hair in Latin American countries is often longer, colours more vibrant, indigenous populations often have longer hair by tradition. I’ve also spent time in several African countries: totally different cultures, but in general clothing is often colourful, males may wear traditional dress including: tunics in bright colours and vibrant patterns, skirts. They may wear ornate jewellery including necklaces and earrings. And they may wear long dreadlocks (which is a Jamaican term but worn across Africa). In poorer areas where clothing, bags, books are in short supply even supplied by overseas aid there is zero fascism about style and colour.

If you DS truly didn't care what anyone thought why is he complaining to you of being bullied?- he hasn't been hurt or threatened so what about the comments pupils are making does he consider to be bullying? He knew there would be comments, he said he didn't care, therefore he has changed his mind- it is worthwhile pointing this out rather than trying to get the school to police something which is unpolicable.

I would say that the children who I find the worst are often the clever, overindulged children who have a high opinion of themselves. Just because there might be children from an affluent background, doesn’t mean they can’t be vile as well.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience.

Schools have a duty to thoroughly investigate bullying, not simply to say there's no evidence. All homophobic (and racist) incidents are meant to be recorded and the school governors are informed (of the statistics, not the details of individual cases).

Though as someone who has had to investigate these things, it's not a simple or easy process and can lead to the perpetrators becoming more circumspect and devious in the ways they bully. However, I do think you should pursue it, if only to raise the awareness of the staff generally.

Another option might be to move schools - assuming he is in year 7, it is not unusual (round here anyway) for children to move schools at this stage - eg because they got their second choice school and a place has come up at their first choice. If its possible, it might save a lot of ongoing angst?

All your examples are at primary school, and your primary sounds less inclusive than the OP's was. I'm glad your DS addressed the issues, but it's not really a like for like comparison, and this secondary isn't going to bring in 'an equality programme that they run as a kind of club' to fix these secondary school bullies. They can - and will be doing - lessons on these matters in PHSE, assembly etc but it's not going to change deep-rooted attitudes and insecurities in other kids. Punishments might have an effect but the school don't sound effective that way.

I agree the bullying needs dealing with and things should be better now, but the reality OP's DS has to face is that it's not better in his school and how to get through the day - or change schools for a fresh start. Agree the latter might be best if the school continues to minimise, but unless they get lucky, it will come up sometime in future so the DS needs ways to keep himself safe. Understanding other people's attitudes aren't always warm to confident mould-breakers is worth learning so you aren't naive and at least know your enemy.

Gosh if it wasn't ethically dubious I'd photograph the kids arriving at my son's secondary school tomorrow morning. Every ethnicity and cultural and socio-economic background. Huge variation in style and fashion choices. (It was this that made me first consider the school actually). It's a kind, friendly, very well run school.

Schools don't have to represent the very worst aspects of society.

You have sent him like a lamb to the slaughter! What on earth were you thinking sending a 12 year old boy into the midst of teenagers looking like a 5 year old girl?
Your poor ds had not got the social experience and street smarts to know what would happen.You as an adult should have done, had his back and put your foot down!

Wow. I disagree with a lot of PP

Of course your son ought to be able to go to school with longer hair and a colourful bag. It's 2026. I would expect and demand better.

My son experienced a lot of stereotype policing at his primary school due to his choices. Most of the kids came from traditional backgrounds so it was mostly telling him "boys can't wear that" "you're a boy, cut your hair" . But at his youth club held in a more affluent area, he would get asked (or told) if he was a girl now by kids who'd been taught about gender identities.

Luckily my son was and is confident. What upset him more at his primary school was the way boys treated girls. And I think this is really important. I can guarantee a school that allows intolerant, homophobic attitudes is also going to have a misogyniy problem. Not that that's morally worse than the homophobia but it affects half of the pupils.

My son's primary school took his complaint (he complained on his own initiative) seriously and bought in an equality programme that they ran as a kind of club.

Saying all this, I wouldn't place too much emotion on your son changing styles for now. That's also an extremely normal part of growing up. But I would demand the school faces up to this and tbh if I didn't see a vast improvement from the leadership I'd also look at moving him. Again, moving secondaries in the pre GCSE years is also relatively common for lots of reasons. I wouldn't want my kid staying in an environment that didn't teach kids to tolerate difference.

That’s what I thought. Really sweeping statement. There’ll be more and less tolerant areas within all countries, major cities tending to be more diverse and tolerant (or caring less) about difference, but that list covers countries with rules and religions that embed and even promote homophobia so it’s pretty idealistic. I was expecting that poster to cite scandi countries maybe, but honestly even the most progressive cultures get less so out in the sticks. Think of the difference between Pride in Aussie cities and the macho culture of the outback. No whole country has this sorted.

The UK has come a long way legally and culturally in the last decades, but there are still lots of divisions. If OP is in a place where the primary school only had a handful of kids in it, this is not some enlightened urban centre. Even in the likes of Hebden Bridge, there’s a ‘towny’ culture among kids this age and more conforming than wanting to stand out. As pp said, it’s a pack instinct and risky to provoke it.

OP, DD was good friends with a lovely boy in Primary school who wore pink accessories, painted his nails and only invited girls to his birthday parties. There were no issues whatsoever at primary. In Y7 he enrolled in a highly regarded secondary with impressive sounding inclusivity policies. He was bullied mercilessly from his first week. Mum told me she was shocked supposedly well brought up children from affluent families (school was in a ‘nice’ area) could be so cruel. He just had to blend in so he dispensed with all the girly stuff and cut his hair. Not nice but it is what it is.

He is now in Y9, more confident as he eventually found his tribe, has a nice circle of friends and his ‘real’ personality and personal style has re-emerged. It takes time.

I think your son is being really clear about his boundaries here and you should do what he’s asking. My daughter has been bullied on and off for years now (we are Jewish so it just comes with the territory) and goes through cycles of wanting to hide it and wanting to shout about it and get angry. I meet her where she’s at and only interject when she asks (anything physical basically). So I’d personally explain to your son that he shouldn’t ignore physical attacks but you trust him to let you know when he needs support from you or his school otherwise. The thing is, he’s just going to stop telling you things if you ignore his wishes.

That backpack was a massive mistake and I’d let him fix it. He is who he is but he’s decided that’s not a hill to die on so just support him.

The best thing I did for my daughter was sign her up for self defence class. It’s really helped her confidence and she feels better knowing she has some tricks up her sleeves. When a group of older teenagers blocked her into the school library asking her if she was ‘weak like Anne Frank’ she was able to get past them because she definitely is not. Self defence classes (good ones anyway) will teach de-escalation techniques and how to get away and only resort to physical responses when there’s no other option. Am not sure boxing will help in the same way.

And honestly if you have other options I’d seriously consider moving schools. He doesn’t have a close friend group, it’s just the beginning of high school and these sorts of spreading bullying things are really hard to get on top of. If it’s one kid or one group of kids there are options but if it’s spreading across different groups and classes that’s pretty toxic and hard to recover from.

Most Latin American and African countries are really not tolerant of boys turning up to school in pink bags, long hair and make-up. Which ones were you thinking of? Are you aware same sex relationships are punishable by long prison sentences or death in some African countries?

I'm not sure what you expect the school to do,if violence isn't involved it's just kids being kids,and your DS has actively encouraged comments with his choices, now he has to live with the comments.Next time he is being really stubborn reminds him that your choices directly effect the way you are treated.He has decided he doesn't want to go with the flow,and now he has to live with that decision.Expecting the school to intervene is just not realistic.

It is a shame he went to school with the bag. But what is done is done. Even if he should absolutely be allowed to do so. It was an open invitation to be bullied. No, that is not right but that is the reality.
Get him the black bag and get his haircut for his sake.

Go to the school and register your disappointment at what seems to you a lack of care. They, have done precisely nothing. You want to know what will be done. And nothing is not a suitable response.
Sometimes if they wait for evidence that evidence could be appalling. Do set out to them in writing the things and incidents of concern. And raise it further if nothing happens.
The PE teacher in particular is not in charge of his class.

I would too, consider moving your son. He sounds confident but you do not want that broken.

Secondary is brutal.

But I am sorry. You also have to take responsibility. That bag! He became an immediate target.

What other advice are you giving him? The school will not take you serious.

But perhaps this is the wrong school. One school in my area differences would be not too bad, but another the child wouldn't fit. You need to take responsibility here. Is the school fight?

But holy moses. You need to wise up too. The child had no chance.

Really depends on the school.

Agree about state schools in big cities being much more tolerant. My DSs go to one where no one would bat an eye at the OP’s son, but I also know that if my kids went to my old school in a much more insular northern town, they’d be eaten alive. There’ll be pockets of inclusive people, youth theatre groups and such, but being different threatens the tribal culture and that kind of confidence brings out the bullies.

It’s a real shame he didn’t go to the schools where his primary friends went and if there’s anyway to move him now I would. Changing his hair and bag won’t erase his reputation, though I’d ditch the bag anyway as it was a mad choice and shouldn’t have been left up to him. Even at my kids progressive school everyone has black backpacks to avoid any such behaviour issues.

I agree your DS shouldn’t change who he is, and it’s just this part of adolescence which is the worst. He’ll find his own tribe out in the world and thrive one day. But this school isn’t the place to change the world. Definitely keep pushing for a better response on the bullying and escalate to police if there’s threats of hate crimes/homophobic violence. I’d also try him on a martial art to back up that confidence with the knowledge he can handle himself if it ever gets out of hand, which hopefully it won’t. And if you really can’t move him somewhere better, get him the bag and haircut he wants and do whatever you can to support his safety.

Med countries, Latin America, certain indigenous communities globally, India, African countries..

I also agree. Starting high school isnt the place to be different and stand out. Go in plain and find their feet with everything first and then sprinkle in some personality.

Just becasue a child wants somethong doesnt mean to say we give in and get it for them. I feel like you should have bought a plain nike backpack and told him thats what hes wearing and its not up for discussion.

Like you say its just a bag...but by letting him choose a giris bag to start high school has caused so much issues for him.
Its lierally on here all the time when kids moving to high school to buy a plain black nike school bag, havnt you seen the threads every year or this summer?

Like pp said youve sent him with a target on his back unfortunately.

Get a plain black nike backpack and haircut this weekend in time for starting again on Monday.

I also think martial arts is a life skill like swimming and he should start asap as many kids will have been doing it for years by now. Cant all be fun activities, we have to prepare them for real life as best we can.

With regards to bullying procedure if you were lucky enough to get through primary school with no incidents then you'ce npt learned hpw to paper trail everything. Any incidents need to be emailed, speak to teacher then email afterwards. Consistent issues start an email with subject "incident log billy joe and peter parker y7" and update that email witg every tiny incident starting incident 1, incident 2 etc. Include date, time, location, what happened witnesses, impact/how your son felt.

Your luck if youve got this far without paper trailing but you will need to learn fast and take action now over the weekend. Keep it short and informative too. Phone calls alone dont cut it.

So yes today:
Nike black backpack
Haircut
Paper trail the school via email - "due to recent incidents i am documenting all issues so far for both of us to keep tracl of these issues and work together going forward...."

It's a pack mentality. Doesn't sound like the school has an establishment culture of tolerance.

So, he can either be at the cutting edge to force a change in culture (which will be painful, may not be successful and may take his whole time at the school)... Blend in physically.... Or teach him that he can show his character through his actions and words.

If you aren't going to help him blend in, and he embarks of a solo mission of culture change armed solely with the schools anti bullying policy, then teach him to fight back- either with words or physically. Kids see something different and smell difference and equate difference to weakness. He needs smarts.

Of course he might end up being protected by the teachers- but honestly schools are brutal and even having that reputation means they are a target for bullying.

It's secondary school- he is there to learn and make friends. Your job as a parent is to help him do that. Ask yourself if the back pack and haircut are helping or hindering.

Or, find a school that has a more tolerant culture already embedded.

Yes. Year 12 and 13 my eldest went back to his eccentric dressing and no one batted an eyelid. Year 7 and 8 he just needed to blend in.

Which countries?