12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

I’m just throwing Uganda into the mix! Tolerant African countries? Which ones? I do see school dc in East and Southern Africa being smartly attired in uniform but tolerance of differences is low from what I’ve observed.

What constitutes “masculine” or “feminine” in the West in terms of colour coding or style doesn’t necessarily translate to other cultures.

Obviously. People aren't missing your point, it's just somewhat irrelevant to the OP situation, especially if you're not saying that those places are safer in some way. That's why your posts aren't being understand the way you want them to be, because people are thinking about this kid's real situation. Saying that him pitching up with a colourful bag and long hair wouldn't make him a target isn't even true if you accept that he's actually being bullied for presenting as gay, which would make him a target in those places too as you now seem to admit. So yeah, it's a strange narrow reading and response and not especially helpful.

I was talking about school culture. That’s the thread topic.

Where boys need to have North Face jackets and dark rucksacks.

That doesn’t even hold true across the U.K.

And yet here you are trying to teach me about my cultures and lived experience.

What I actually said was: There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

That holds true. Makeup was not mentioned by the OP, “feminine” style in countries where men have long hair or wear tunics in bright colours is a moot point. That holds true.

What constitutes “masculine” or “feminine” in the West in terms of colour coding or style doesn’t necessarily translate to other cultures.

I never said schools abroad were “safe” that is entirely your own invention and a ridiculous claim. You have completely missed the point.

That's my experience (I'm not from there but have close links). Schools are very conservative and traditional. Families of kids who have gone off the rails in the UK sometimes send kids back to Africa to straighten them out as it's a much more conservative and strict environment.

African countries...?? Are you sh£%%%g me ???
Very conservative cultures are in Africa.

I am African-Caribbean and have been to multiple countries across Africa (and the Caribbean). Do not try to teach me about my own culture and lived experiences.

Your comments about people in Africa wearing “colourful clothes” actually made me laugh. Really? I had no idea, I thought they all walked around dressed head to toe in black. Oh and dreadlocks is a Jamaican term you say. Good to know. Having been raised by a Jamaican parent I had no idea!

In any case, colourful and vibrant outfits has nothing to do with the point I was making. An African/Latino schoolboy wearing make up, any clothes deemed ‘feminine’ and sporting a pink school bag would face the same issues as a teenage boy in this country. The idea that schools in those continents are some kind of safe haven compared to England because men over there wear brightly coloured clothes is ridiculous. You sound very naive.

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It absolutely is safeguarding

This. As he gets older there is room for expression and difference but at 11 / 12 they really need to fit in and you need to help them to do that. I also know it is not the correct response but the reality is what your son is experiencing.

@Bigtrapeze This isn’t safeguarding really. It’s clearly the anti bullying policy and the behaviour policy. That’s the starting point. Safeguarding is more extreme and looking at the fact sheets produced by my local secondary, bullying by other dc doesn’t feature because it’s a separate policy. I’d keep it to the standard wellbeing policies for now.

We are social animals. We hunted in groups, lived in groups, died in groups.

In every setting where there's a group of humans doing something together, there is a group code and it runs deep within the human psyche. It is universal.

If you don't follow the code of a group, you may be targeted. It comes from a deeply animal place I often think in that the group offered protection but to be part of the group, you had to follow the rules. If you didn't, you'd be ousted and that could well mean death.

At 11, it's at the start of the journey as you start to define yourself away from your family - your main 'group' up until that point.

Now you begin to define yourself as an individual through your peers, not just through your family.

I would suggest to him that there's a reason camoflauge exists in nature. It's to protect each species from predators.

All groups have social hierarchies. We talk about the 'pecking order' for a reason. Ever seen birds on a duck pond chase each other. There are very clear hierarchies there. Imagine if a bird stuck newly coloured feathers in its chest and head - would it attract attention - yes it would...

For his self-esteem, the thing to remember is that the secondary school hierarchy isn't real life - it's just a temporary thing and he may well need to camoflauge himself to fit in for the time being. He doesn't have to change who is, but he may need to hide aspects of his personality until he leaves that group and finds another, maybe at 6th form.

Buy the bag, cut the hair, put on a more manly voice if necessary. It will protect him. Learn to hide in a group.

It's not necessarily about changing who he is. It's about understanding the rules of the game. Being too loud and proud can get you noticed.

Many young teen boys are merciless in their desire for power and control. There is a lot of jostling and attention seeking and trying to dominate. Popularity does not equal likability. Horribly sad but true.

He has to understand these dynamics as although they become less overt as the kids get older, there is a thread running underneath always...

Help him. He won't always live at home in your group. He needs to be able to thrive and survive in other groups too.

Don't forget these small minded teens will very soon turn into small minded adults and there is enough intolerance in this country already!
Why should you have to blend in?
Why can't people learn to be nice or stfu???

How inclusive is the school and the community it's in generally? You might find it hard to change the culture if it's quite embedded.

I grew up in a totally white, working class area of Scotland in the 70s. There were unspoken rules about how you could behave in the junior years- for example, every English kid who joined soon developed a Scottish accent to fit in. But it got easier as we moved through the school and kids saw the person, who they knew. It's the old adage "he may be unusual but he's one of us".

But year 7 is tricky as the other kids don't know him. They just see him as prey.

The black bag doesn't have to define him. It just keeps out of the way

What have I just read?????

OP, this is rubbish and I really hope your DS doesn't change himself. He sounds great and would be admired at my daughter's state secondary for his long hair and bag, and would probably have a load of Year 9 girls befriending him. I don't think you can expect other Year 7s to stand up to bullies whether they are friends with DS or not. School age kids are very wary of putting themselves in the firing line and it's less about character and more about self preservation.

If he is asking you not to make a fuss about name calling, sadly although I am right there with you, I think you need to follow his lead. If things get physical I would be inclined to let the school know. I might ask if you need to complain about a homophobic incident in their school to the LEA. It might put it in some kind of context for them.

This is both bullying and homophobia: your son's sexuality is irrelevant to what he is receiving. I like that he is angry about this: I think that's the right reaction. I'm angry on his behalf.

Bullying is awful, and this is definitely what this is, but what makes it stop is often unpredictable. Schools can speak to perpetrators and it stops instantly, or this back fires. Ignoring it is often the fastest route out. It's not easy and it doesn't feel morally right, but if there's no reaction, the bullies often move on.

Is there some teacher he has made a good relationship with who he might talk to? Is there a lunch time club that he could escape into? I don't like to use stereotypes but I am sensing the bullies will be busy at football and won't bother him at choir, drama or orchestra club. He needs to find a supportive tribe, and these places might provide it.

Lots of people do cite martial arts as a good strategy to provide confidence to stand up to bullies and if your son wants to, all good, but he really shouldn't have to and it might not be his bag.

Anyone who bullied a boy for being feminine at my daughter's school would be considered awful: that's not a problem, but there are some kids who experience this in other arenas, often due to nothing that can be pinpointed and whilst school do deal with it, sometimes it happens on the fringes of the school day and is harder to sort.

When dealing with school, I would mention safeguarding. I would ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead and ask for their action plan on removing violence due to homophobia in their school. Suggest if they won't act, you'll make a safeguarding referral yourself if physical incidents persist. Ask if they think you should go straight to the Police. Be polite but firm. Whether they have evidence/witnesses or not, this is happening.
If someone assaulted your son in the street and it was a homophobic motivated attack, the Police would be involved. School know this.

Your son might be reluctant for you to get involved but perhaps might be swayed if you suggest there might be someone in next year's Year 7 who gets the same treatment and you guys could prevent that. He might feel galvanised by that. He sounds very cool. These basic bullies don't know that yet but I bet by Year 11 they're doing nothing much and your son is thriving. Changing culture is hard. Good luck, OP.

Idk why you think African & Latin American countries don’t have school uniforms.

I think these dc are y7. He’s age 12 in y7 so older than the majority. Most of the 11 year olds won’t have experienced DS with pink bags and long hair. Is it homophobia at age 11-12? Is that 100% clear? Of course shoving and pushing and generally being unkind is bullying. However thinking about the situation in advance also pays dividends. If DS had backed off a bit he could have taken stock of the situation and found similar dc. They will be there but not so confident about themselves. They need to be discovered and this is what he needs to do now. Take a look around at who didn’t bully him and who’s more accepting.

I cannot see PE being joyous for him so by all means complain but it’s not going to be easy to find friends quickly.

I’m the one who made the original point:

OP is apparently not English and other countries do not have such narrow, conservative cultures with intolerance of difference. There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

What is the “dominant” culture here? It depends entirely on location, culture, class, income bracket, school type.

The bullying is definitely homophobic but he may not actually turn out to be gay so it’s equally about style and difference.

I'm sorry but this. Did you REALLY think letting him choose that bag was a good idea?

Whilst in an ideal world it wouldn't matter, surely you understand that we don't live in an ideal world and this was bound to happen?

Ones without school uniforms. A pink bag blends in a lot more comfortably where not all the kids are otherwise wearing the same, dark colours.

I depends which you prefer- being a victim , or growing from the experience. What is it that you want the school to do ? You say you want action , but what action?

Hell of a lot of victim blaming on this thread.

The school needs to take homophobic bullying (which this is, regardless of the child's actual sexuality) seriously, and it's staggering that they are not in 2026. If this was happening in a workplace - people literally ganging up on him, damage to property, someone being physically shoved into a locker because they were thought to look a bit gay - nobody would be saying "well, it's just a brutal environment, what do you expect", so why is it acceptable for it to happen in school?

Victim blaming much? You don't think anyone should tell bullies not to bully? Or take steps to stop them? That it's on the people they pick on to stfu and hide?

It's not that I don't agree that the bag was a bad idea, but it's some leap to say bullying isn't an issue and it's on the bullied to react better and grow from this.

Feels a bit like you're wilfully missing the point. You're describing cultures in which it's a cultural norm to wear longer hair and bright colours. Fine. But the example here is of a teen going against the dominant culture. So the equivalent in those cultures would be something breaking that dominant code, not something in tune with them. Plus it's pretty evidently homophobic bullying going on, not really about bags and hair, so unless you're saying these cultures are also perfectly inclusive on that score, then again it feels like missing the point.

The real issue isn't the bullying, the real issue is his reaction to the bullying- you, and he want someone else to sort it out -so he can be himself and not worry about comments. Well life is not like that you have to work your way through life, often without much outside help- so putting yourself in a position where you will be attacked (because that is what human nature is like) is very unintelligent. your son is, or should be learning how to navigate his life to it's best advantage, and this is a very useful lesson,because putting yourself in a position like this will cause misery, the best solution is not put yourself in this position in the first place, not to expect some other person or institution to sort out the mistake he made.