Refusing school poor attendance- and end of my tether

I agree with this post. I had the same with my eldest. She ended up in alternative education and now in her 20’s is doing very well including having gone to university (despite only taking a few GCSE’s) You do need to get her on Camhs as soon as possible. Go to the GP. You need the school to be supportive not breathing down your neck with threats. There was absolutely no way my daughter was going in some days. Until you have experienced that, you have no idea. You can’t physically force a 14 year old into school.

Regarding the phone - I limited her data so she was really only able to access it via the internet. Then I could control when she was on it which stopped her going on it all night. I just rang the provider and changed her data allowance (sadly they didn’t reduce the cost though).

my daughter did like buying things so when in the alternative education I did pay her pocket money directly linked to her % attendance. My line was that we all have to go to work and if you don’t, you don’t get paid. It didn’t solve everything but on some days it was an added motivation for her.

it’s a tough time so please be kind to yourself. They do come out of the other side and it is not the end of the world.

That’s fine. You are, of course, free to think what you want.

Many schools actually don’t have the “knowledge and experience to understand EBSA.“

I understand EBSA and don't agree with you.

Schools don’t always immediately assume refusal to attend is EBSA. This is because they have knowledge and experience to understand EBSA.

However, as well as EBSA related refusal, they are simultaneously dealing with refusal to attend that is not EBSA - just the child being difficult and a parent who needs more support to assert boundaries, rules and routines in the home. That type of refusal isn't EBSA.

My earlier post suggested an Early Help Assessment for exactly this reason.

From OP’s posts, it is clear to anyone who understands EBSA/EBSNA and wider SEN that it is not just a child being a pain. Schools should have the knowledge and experience to understand that, sadly they don’t always.

How do they determine if it is actually EBSA or just a teenager being a pain ?

what a difficult situation for you to manage.

However, I also feel as though there is more to this story than is being presented. I also think you should get her a GP referral to Camhs (insist upon it! Cite the poor attendance, your desperation, concerns for her future, etc).

Anxiety manifests in many different forms; it doesn’t present just as ‘a very worried, ‘anxious’ young person’.

An awful lot of cases of school refusal, particularly in adolescent girls, is as a result of unmet neurodivergent needs/ autistic burnout. I don’t mean to worry you and I completely sympathise, it must be a real nightmare for you to deal with (esp on your own) - but this behaviour isn’t ‘normal’ and I would be very concerned about her mental health/happiness, if she were my daughter.

A child doesn’t have to appear anxious in order for them to have EBSA/EBSNA. There is far, far more to it than that.

I am going to disagree with everyone here and say don't remove the phone. She sounds neurodivergent and her behaviour is a form of communication for someone that is not coping and is experiencing severe anxiety. You need to start researching ADHD, ASD and PDA in girls. Particularly look at Autistic Girls Network on Facebook and Not Fine in School. I think you'll find if she is neurodivergent you will realise she is showing signs of having the traits associated. ND children/teens will go in to fight/flight/fawn/freeze and she is most probably stuck in fight mode. You need support and that is as previously mentioned through CAMHS/GP/school/the LA. Do whatever is asked of you, this shows you're cooperating and working with the school and professionals so if it does come to attendance fines you'll have the evidence you are doing everything you can. Good luck!

But she doesn’t seem anxious so not EBSA OP has said she just doesn’t want to go. These absences are rightly unauthorised and in surprised OP hasn’t been referred to LA already either 58% attendance

cancel the phone contract and put a password on your WiFi so she can’t use the phone. I’m sure you could take it away when she was asleep?

Id buy her a brick phone. Id cancel the smart phone. Id turn the Internet off. She would have nothing if she isn't going to school. However, i would give incentives to go to school. She'd get pocket money for every full day attended and an extra bonus if she completes the full week. The bonus doesn't need to ge money. It could be a nail polish she wants or an extra hour on her curfew because shes been responsible.

I'm no lawyer but I would get legal advice about why this would cause you to fail a DBS? Why should it, are all types of fines etc listed? So if someone has a parking fine? It just surprises me, as obviously if someone commits certain types of crimes then we wouldn't want them alone with vulnerable people, but if it's something like this

How was end of term op?
my DD is ND and school refused when she just was at her mental capacity.
what worked a bit in yr11 was looking at college options. Setting out what her options would be depending on grades.

Stop paying for her phone credit then! Without phone credit or Wi-Fi staying at home will be a lot less interesting.

If you want to be able to track her - stick an air tag into the lining of the coat/bag she usually takes.

Or take the alternative approach - withdraw her from school and sign her up to an online school. Drop the rope and the fight and see if the lack of tension make everything easier.

@Onelongholiday ask school for an Early Help Assessment. This could get you a Family Help Worker, which is what I think you need. They can work with you in establishing routines and boundaries at home that promote developing a positive parent-teen relationship, to reduce the battles. In the mean-time, Google the Togetherness program, they offer some online parenting courses.

Before you look at children's mental health support, you need the child's voice. Does you daughter want or thinks she needs MH support? If not, she won't engage and you won't get past triage if you refer.

To qualify my response here, I'm a secondary school safeguarding and attendance lead.

OP, please re-read my first post. You need to look at how the absences are being recorded. EBSNA absences should be recorded as I. This is an authorised code. Therefore, doesn’t lead to a fine or prosecution.

Could she live with dad for a while & he can deal with her shit for a bit?

Remove the phone/charger while she is asleep.

I can’t believe you let her keep her phone!
No phone, no TV, no internet just books.

You say taking her phone would require force - well that’s fine- you take the phone. She is a child; she doesn’t get to choose. She wants nice to have things in life; she does what is required. The phone must go for poor behaviour and that’s what this is! I would be booking her into the morning kids wraparound thing if there is one and I would make it clear we leave for school at 8am or she’ll have no phone, no internet, no pocket money and no nice extras.

Absolutely agree aswell - no school = zero phone and zero internet, zero pocket money.

You want those things in life, you have to work. You can’t lie in bed all day.

This is good advice - and it is true.
She literally does not have a choice because there are consequences. Does she realise this? Ask her how she will pay the £2500 fine? I would also sit her down and get her involved in the family finances. I’d show her the bills and the bank account. Ask her how she will pay her share of the bills if she has no education and no job? She won’t even be able to afford a bed to lie in if she doesn’t get up and get on with life now.

I would do this and I’d also mix it with asking her why she won’t go and trying to facilitate her going; but I would be cautious of ‘giving too much help’ because she doesn’t have a choice and pandering gives her the impression she does have a choice. I’d be getting her up very very early to make sure she has plenty of time to get there.

keep going - this sounds so hard, you sound like an amazing mum xxxx