Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

As long as the D is not in the one subject they are hoping to do at university, who cares?

When I was teaching A-levels and GCSE, we all knew that for one or two of our students, our subject was the third or even lower - they needed to concentrate on subjects that mattered to them.

My parents were the same. I too got one D at GCSE time, for Chemistry. When I chose it as an option my mum banged on about how I should choose Biology as I'd done quite well at it previously. Then when I got the D all I heard about was "I told you you should have done Biology blah blah". The As and Bs which were plenty enough to get into the 6th form at grammar school were barely acknowledged.

My mum still mentions the D sometimes and I'm nearly 52 and a partner in a law firm!!!

When my son got his GCSE results and they were enough to do A levels at college I just said well done that's brilliant. I can't actually remember the individual results or even all the subjects (is that bad?) He's now doing finals at uni with a Masters place lined up and I'm really proud and happy for him.

Well done OP, you sounds like you've done amazingly and I'm sure you'll say all the right things for your son.

My son is starting GCSE s next year and RE is compulsory he hates it and is worried what his result will be.

I’ve just told him to do his best - what I actually want to say but won’t is that I don’t give a fig about a GSCE RE result.

My (amazing!) dad had a chat with me before the results and said something along the lines of "lots of people get very competitive about results, and that's not nice" and then told me what he was going to say "she did very well, worked very hard and I'm so proud of her" and any chat about specifics he shut down. Because I knew why he was shutting it down, I knew he wasn't ashamed of me, but the silly competitive parents. Not sure if that helps?

I did O levels and got all As except English Lit (B) and Art (D). They were all exams. I do occasionally think about them but everything since has overshadowed them. I'm more bothered that I didn't get a First at uni.
My DS is unlikely to get any GCSEs though he's capable of getting an old style A-C in Maths and probably in Science if they let him do Physics and/or Chemistry but his school don't do those and don't bother teaching him Maths.
He might eventually get Functional Skills in English and/or Digital Skills, but his school is not teaching him anything there either.
DD will probably get a clutch of lower grade GCSEs, most likely English, Drama which she likes, Art if they let her do both, and Technology is probably what she's best at. Maths will be touch and go.
So frankly be glad (as I am) that you have good GCSEs and that your DS also will get good grades. He will have choices of study and work open to him. I don't think my DS school has given any thought to his life after they stop babysitting him.

i went to the school that both my parents taught at.

When I was 14 I got 93% in an end of year exam. I remember it saying something like “An excellent result, eventually, but Idris is too intelligent to take it at face value. An excellent paper 2 had to make up for silly mistakes in paper 1” or something like that. Think I’m came 4th. The fact I still remember that over 35 years later probably means something.

I worry about not living up to other people’s expectations. Even when maybe the expectations are in my head.

My father was the same. Treated anything other than an A as a fail, so I 'failed’ two GCSEs and one A level. I studied one of the most highly academic subjects but 'failed' there because I didn't go to Cambridge. Everything I ever achieved was not quite good enough. I dealt with it by going NC in the end as I got so sick of him only wanting bragging rights.

Being academically capable does give a skewed view of 'normal'. My own kids are solidly average students. I work to make sure that I focus on their interest and engagement and letting them follow their own path. I actively make sure not to be like my father. I am more invested in them being good people than their grades.

I was similar I did 10 got all As and A stars and a low C in food tech that I was forced to do and then didn't have a proper teacher for two years just a succession of short term cover, I admit I put no work in at all. My parents just completely laughed it off and just focused on how proud they were of all of my other results. It comes up occasionally now as I'm a pretty decent cook, and my mum will say there's that GCSE showing 😂 . I never included it on any CV. or application I had plenty of other qualifications that no one was going to question it

That's interesting. I can't recall if mine are on my CV but I am sure I have seen advice not to include them after a while. I am so old mine are O levels anyway haha

Gosh some of these stories are shocking.

I agree with those who say @Lemonthyme you should praise his effort, celebrate his grades, and if he says but what about the 5 in XXX – say well I know that you found that one very challenging so that's one of your best grades, as the fact that you got a 5 (C) or a 6 (B) shows how hard you worked.

My Dc all got very different results and we celebrated them individually. Hard agree btw with not telling anyone else their grades. Yes just say "we are really pleased, he did very well" or "he got what he needed to move on to college, which is great".

I cannot believe you said that @ShamedBySiri – so you celebrated your less academic child but not the more academic one? That's really bad. "Whatever you do will be wrong"? well no, if you had praised both for their efforts and their results (instead of saying you would have been cross if one hadn't done well ) then that would have been a lot better.

BTW @Lemonthyme do you really put your GCSEs on your CV? When you have a PhD?

Sorry op, didn’t mean my answer to be annoying or to say our situations were exactly the same, just that I could sympathise somewhat. I feel a bit of pain when my kids don’t score highest in the class or perform the best out of everyone. 2nd place is first loser and all that mentality. And I assume I’ve failed them by not pushing them, or coaching them enough and that’s about my ego, like you say about your parents.
I know you’ve said you know what to do already though so I suppose there’s not much anyone can say that might help but
it honestly sounds like you’re really conscious of the situation though and so I’m sure you’re doing great.

My eldest didn't get straight A's. But I am very proud of him regardless and was delighted for him and cheered him on on exam results day. Because he did his best. He has additional needs and we are just thrilled for him succeeding. He went on to pass his driving test later on. He's a good lad.

Academic success isn't the only type of success.

What subject was the D in? Your parents sound like dicks but I'm guessing that D helped you all the way through the rest of your studies. I doubt you did perfectly in everything at all times but you persisted all the way through because you weren't scared of what "failure" (not failure!!!) feels like - you already knew and although it was rubbish you were still alive after it.

So rather than ignoring and denying the D I say you get the certificate out and put it on the wall - nobody gets to the stage of completing a PhD without doing something less well than they wanted. You should thank that D because failing for the first time at PhD level would feel like a fucking disaster if you didn't know you could get through it wouldn't it.

Well yes better to accept it but just going on what the original post said -it bothers them and they leave it off their cv. So that is one way to move on if they wanted?

Why did you feel that was necessary?
I'm not sure it's healthy to have to correct the record, healthier to be fine as you are.

Id just say 'Brilliant - you've worked hard and done great. I'm really proud of you.' and then ask them what they think.

Don't even get into the detail unless they do - it's not healthy or helpful.

And smile. Just smile at them lots so they can clearly see you're happy.

My dad did the same with maths. I’ve never forgotten that, and vowed never to do the same with my daughter. In fact, she was more bothered by her B in maths than I was about my D.

Deleting as it mirrored another poster

There is something particularly difficult about having a child at the same age you where when something difficult or traumatic happened. Regardless of previous therapy, it all come roaring back.
You'll be OK, you are aware of it and you know one bad GCSE will have almost no impact long term. Especially if its something DC doesn't want to study further, DS and I laughed at his abysmal geography result. It was so bad I wondered if hed missed a paper! But he has no interest in continuing it so it doesn't matter.

I should think you could say exactly what you've said here to your kid, as a conversation in advance, when there's not the pressure of the results.

Our approach to GCSEs was to celebrate the effort that went into them, regardless of whether there was lots so we went out for a celebratory meal at the end of the exams and then administered a very general blanket well done at the results.

Parents seem much more invested in results now. I got good results with a D in Physics and I learned more from that D than the rest put together. I fundamentally didn't get physics and I can't fathom what people who got an E wrote to get less marks.

I am a teacher these days and I still recall how baffling I found Physics having found everything else very straightforward and it has been a really useful perspective. Ideally I think as parents we would do well to encourage our kids to do things for themselves not to impress others. Great to work really hard for what you want yourself but detrimental to try and meet the standards of others, as you might perhaps have found out from your experience with your parents.

In the run up to GCSEs I plan to talk to child 3 about them very little unless she has questions but keep up a constant stream of how proud I am of her generally. Her academic achievements are the least of those. I would be horrified if she thought she was doing any of it on my behalf.

Your mental health is much more valuable than your exam credentials in my experience and academic success is just a tiny part of life experience and yet we seem to have made our young people believe it is disproportionately vital. I say that as someone whose job is to contribute to GCSE success. Don't get sucked in to the competitive madness, OP and good luck.

Why don’t you resist that d grade gcse? As it clearly bothers you?
I never got an a star (as they didn’t have them in my day). So i actually went and got one at 45 just as they were being eased out. So I personally knew I could get one (though of course at 45 doibg one subject that was quite easy)