Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

OP, you are a very good parent to be as aware of this as you are. I am sure you will do right by your ds.

I am another 'praise the effort not the outcome'.

When I did my GCSEs and A levels (when God was a lad!) I didn't do very well - as far as school and DM were concerned anyway. GCSE were A, 4 B and 2 C, and A level 2 C and 1 E. They got me where I wanted/needed but my mother decided to concoct a new set of results ( which i took to mean as mine weren't good enough) to tell the neighbours if they asked! My dad and I were expected to remember them and not drop her in it. She also told them I went to a redbrick uni (rather than ex poly). I do wonder if she was ever proud of me. Possibly when I got a 2:1, more likely when I lost about 2 stone and was at my slimmest.

They weren't what I could have got if I'd done what I loved instead of what my Mum loved but didn't have the confidence to do because they were "for boys". Of course, she now denies any of it happened.

All we can do is our best to break the cycle. What you say about them not wanting your success for you is so relatable. My Mum liked to use us to "perform" what a great parent she was and all of our failures and successes she took personally as her own. As you say, it wasn't pride, it was competition. She loved it when her friend's kids had done worse than us, hated it when they'd done better. We determined her perceived place on the social hierarchy. She pushed hard to get me moved up a year, not because it benefitted me but because it looked good to others for her child to be a "genius".

I remember from Y11-Y13 I felt I had no worth at all outside of those capital letters that got sent home once a term, my children will never feel like that. And as a mother, I haven't sunk all of my own self-worth into being a mother so I do not require them to perform success so I can feel successful, and that's because I stopped listening to my parents and stopped following the paths they were pushing me down. I have a life I am happy with and proud of, not the life they wanted and would be proud of.

I believe that we're both breaking the cycle and the fact you've identified how triggering this is for you is progress.

Can you ask your parents now, what they reflect on their reaction at the time?

Not his fault but he used to say unhelpful things like "you'll miss them when they're gone".

You won't I suspect. You'll miss the idea of them, the parents that they never were to you and feel guilty that you don't miss them.

All you can do is

1. break the cycle of it. Consciously which it sounds like you are actively trying very hard to do.
2. minimise how much you subject yourself to it and gather the support of your husband and son to have your back when you are. Doesn't have to mean a family argument, just a well timed "let's go for a walk/to the pub/anywhere your family are not" or a hidden funny face, an eye roll or a rude war dance.

(Apologies for bold- it was meant to be stars)

I got 7 As and 2 As, after being skipped up a year. I'm summer born so I took most of them when I was 14. My parents said they were disappointed and my Mum said to tell people I got "straight As" so as not to draw attention to my lack of s. My English teacher called me in for a meeting to tell me how shocking it was that I didn't get an A* in literature (one of them was in language) and when I said that on the exam day I was dealing with particularly bad hayfever , hadn't slept, and couldn't breathe or see properly, he told me to stop making excuses.

I was then forced into doing 3 sciences at A level, rebelled against doing maths and insisted on English as my 4th, flunked physics at AS level, and ended up with a pitiful B, C and D- the B in English.

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 24.

I cannot imagine putting either of my 2 through anything like that, but I know I'll be on edge on results day- not because of the grades my SD will get but because at the back of my mind I'll be waiting for someone to remind me I'm not good enough. It's the shark music.

You're a better person than me. I'd simply say, "If you were ever sober at the time, I might have". But silently mouthing it and vigorously and rudely gesticulating at her behind her back can be therapeutic too. You might want to warn your family though...

There's also the family bingo game you can play with your own family when visiting toxic GP's which is a lot of fun when your children are old enough to play. Laughing at this crap is also a good way to vanquish ghosts of atrocious parenting past.

The fact you still even remember all that about your GCSEs after all this time shows there’s more than “a little bit” of you that absorbed it all from your parents. I’d recommend therapy.

When you say they haven't let you forget it? How? Do you get a snotty comment every year when there are reports on GCSE results in the news?

If so, please promise yourself that your response this year will be robust. I favour something like "Why don't you just ff off Mum/Dad and stop harping on about an exam I did 30 years ago just because that one poor grade makes you feel better about your own academic achievements?"
Or just "Would you just ff off and leave it alone after 30 years? "

As for your son, "that's a fabulous set of results. I hope you are pleased, I'm thrilled with how hard you've worked and what you've achieved" irrespective of what they actually are.

I firmly believe exam results are like other peoples newborns. They are all beautiful even when they look like a small red potato and no good comes of implying anything else.

The best thing you can do for your son is not to perpetuate the thinking that only straight A's are an acceptable outcome when in actual fact, failure in something in life is part of growing up, learning resilience and having another bash at it if it's necessary.

This!

I'd take DC learning how to study over DC getting good grades any day. I'm far more impressed by an industrious 6 than a didn't even bother to revise 8.

My mother got a first in the days very few women went to university. She also completed a three year BA in two years. She never let me forget it. I got a 2.2 which must have been a huge disappointment to my DPs but they never said anything. It’s never held me back professionally and curiously I’ve never had to specify my grade in applying for jobs. None of this matters in the long run and we should just support and encourage our dc through what are horrendously stressful periods of their lives. If one route is closed off because of poor grades, there will always be another just as rewarding. Just keep a cool head and don’t let exam grades rule their (or our) lives.

This reminds me of DS1's friend's mum after SATs. DS1 got 115 in maths because he was naturally good at it, didn't work for it at all, his friend got 110, the friend's mum started saying "you should have spent more time working and less time gaming." I felt so sorry for him.

Sorry, continuing my own line of thought. I think I try to be the sort of critic I like to have. Someone who's more or less judging me by my own standards and will be pleased with something I've worked hard at and disappointed if I've not put the effort in and sympathise if I've put the effort in but it hasn't quite come off this time. And may from time to time give a reality check in either direction if I'm being too self critical or letting too much slide.

I think the C emphsis hurting for me was about underlying things.

Them dismissing my concerns - got E in mock - telling me the subject wasn't a strength or important- language but then focusing on it not the rest where I did well and also being oblivious to the shear amount of work I put in to the one grade which wasn't hidden - I was working in communical area so hardly hiding it.

I do tell the kids I expect them to do well at least at GCSE-- as it's possible for them to do so - well isn't just top marks . Two of mine needed to hear that as with some subjects need a push - often as they didn't like the teacher or subject but if they worked they did get decent grades though sometime they needed more home support to get them.

Beyond A-level it's much more on them - and I say do best and we'll find a way through with them if things don't go well.

We do tend to do things after exam anyway and generally praise effort and have all their childhood.

My parents are amusingly opposite. One criticises however well you do, the other praises however badly you do. In the end I didn't pay too much mind to either. Praise from someone who praises everything you do has no value.

I was always told praise the effort not the achievement. DS's GCSEs no effort went into and I was rather at a loss what to say. He's at risk of finishing school with objectively decent grades and zero independent study skills. I'd much prefer and give higher praise if he had lower grades but had worked hard for them. I'm not sure if he even understands what revision is.

I think the D isn’t really the issue, if that’s how your parents reacted then I’m guessing they weren’t perhaps the most ideal parents generally. It’s just this one thing has brought it all flooding back. Of course you won’t feel bad if your son doesn’t get top marks, and you won’t make him feel like you did back then. You’re not your parents, but perhaps you’re a better parent because of their poor parenting?

I have a similar background to you (I won’t bore you with the details) and the way I try to balance is keeping expectations achievable (some-my mother- would say low ) , talking about options, praising effort and how we move on from stuff. The bottom line being, you are capable of, but if , for whatever reason, things go tits up , we’ll figure it out. Do I still put my foot in it occasionally? Yes, but I’m hoping the other, more frequent conversations, are enough to counterbalance a one off comment. I also try to give myself time to reply by asking her what does she think/how does she feel about x test, asking to have a look at it etc. Just long enough to process and not allow my mother to come out of my mouth.

Suspect we took exams at the same time. I also did General Studies A/O level