Daughter being excluded from prom

My comments about social exclusion are only in general, not specifically about the OP daughter. From what the OP has said, it sounds like the daughter has already been socially excluded. She’s "struggled with friendship" and now she’s refusing to go into school at all and staying home after finding out she wasn’t invited to the prom. We can’t believe the friendship issues are the fault of her classmates or teachers

Given that, I personally think even if she had a ticket and went to the prom, it might not end up being a positive experience for her.

I think we are reading it the same way, just maybe I didn’t explain very well! I’m assuming the DD knew but didn’t care about the threshold or didn’t think it would be applied. Probably the same for the OP. And now it is and there’s a consequence it’s a drama, when it could have been averted with a bit of planning and behaviour change (which is of course what the school hoped would happen).

I confess I didn't read it like that, @cardibach; to me it sounded more like only bothering about what the threshold was once the sanction arrived, but of course I could be wrong

Either way my comment stands about the attitude of some parents. It's always "Of course if they'd done THAT it would be different and I'd support them", except when "that" arrives there's an excuse for that too

Typo

I'm not sure about the OP but I check my son's behaviour scores every week at least once a week. I talk to him about any negative points he's had. More this year than any other sadly but only 5 I think and 3 were for one piece of homework which he forgot to do.

All were fair, I didn't challenge any of them and said to him I supported his teachers in raising them. If I'd genuinely felt they were unfair, I'd ask to speak with the teacher as it's possible I'd misunderstood.

If it had meant he'd not been invited to prom as a result, I'd have told him to suck it up.

This all feels like an awful lot of bloody drama about a party.

But when I was at that stage, there was no prom but there was an end of term trip to Alton Towers and the kids with poor behaviour weren't allowed to go.

Is that any different? And aren't safeguarding risks the safety risks which could include leaving classrooms without permission exactly what we're talking about here?

She didn’t even present it like that - she seems to be aware what the threshold is bit is surprised that the DD has been told that since she doesn’t meet the threshold she can’t go. I’m sure the behaviour score is a figure students all know, so she’ll have been aware that she was getting close and coukd have chosen to fix it rather than being surprised when the rule is applied.

Unfortunately that's the way OP presented it, VickyEadieofThigh - as a sudden move out of the blue with no mention of warnings or anything else

And if folk believe that they'll believe anything ...

That would have all happened before!! That's the point. Her daughter would have known from September what the expectation was.

Good to know that. I would support any school's decision, provided they have already given the student countless second chances.

Schools are mostly very anti time off for any reason (primary or secondary)
We have personally had harassment over attendance for medical reasons (including while in hospital)

I know of someone who was being harassed while their child was being diagnosed with a tumor and a different family who were asking a family with a child in PICU when do they think they can come in. Those are extreme cases

But yes even for known illness some schools can be awful about attendance. Not all schools obviously but all schools are under pressure for attendance figures

Do you seriously think that those not allowed the reward of prom attendance have NOT been given countless "second chances"?

The OP mentioned that her daughter was suddenly told she isn't invited to the prom because her behavior score fell below 90%. It was very blunt—none of the cautious, repetitive checking or second chances you mentioned. I would totally support the school if they had done everything possible and still found her behaviour unacceptable.

You shouldn't get a work bonus if you were late several times. Unless the lateness was totally outwith your control, which would be unlikely repeatedly.

I think you're missing the nuance of school that the excluded children will have been given chance after chance after chance to get it right. They will have had support, behaviour plans, probably some time out of school, often support from external services etc and still they get it wrong.

Generally children absence from primary school is for genuine reasons. It is usually beyond the child's decision. @Leftrightmiddle

I have a question about attendance. Are state schools generally stricter than independent schools, or is it simply that secondary school is more rigorous than primary? My child attends a private primary school where we haven't encountered any punishment issues (detention, meeting the parents etc) over the past six years, even though she is often late and sometimes we leave school early for holidays. Would things change significantly if she moved to a private or grammar school for secondary?

Yes the problem with rewarding is those who aren't rewarded are being punished

The same goes for attendance certificates at school. When majority of the school get this but a few don't it feels isolating. In some schools this also results in special treats for those who get high attendance. Being left out of these events will feel like a punishment for the child regardless of if school think it's a reward

Generally children absence from primary school is for genuine reasons. It is usually beyond the child's decision.
Ill health - shouldn't be punished
Family circumstances such as death of a family member should be punished
Even if the parents are lazy and won't do the school run everyday or going on holiday the child isn't making that choice

Being healthy isn't something to reward it's just luck

Rewards are typically seen as something earned by a few, but when 98% of a group receives them, they become the expected norm. For the remaining 2%, the absence of that reward feels like a sanction, regardless of how it is framed. It is similar to a workplace where nearly everyone receives a pay raise and you are the only one who doesn't because you were late several times, it feels less like a missed bonus and more like a penalty.

More importantly, this creates a sense of social exclusion. For example, if almost an entire family is invited to a major gathering and you are left out, the feeling of unfairness remains even if your past behavior was at fault. While adults usually have the emotional maturity to process such exclusion, for adolescents, being socially sidelined can have lasting negative effects on their development and well-being.

I don't like the "all or nothing" apporach, but I would suggest giving kids with behavioural issues a second chance. Instead of the outright ban, the school could offer an alternative way for students to earn back their place at the prom. Schools should be very careful in using a major milestone like prom as a tool for behavior modification, even if it is framed as a reward, which could be counterproductive and not the best educational choice.

I had a prom (by another name) in 1983 so it’s not new. You would really deny a reward to the overwhelming majority because you think it’s not fair that those who show themselves risky in some way can’t go? Seems much more unfair to me. Best do away with bonuses and pay increases for achievement at work then - can’t unfairly reward hard workers. And charge everyone the same for car insurance - can’t unfairly reward good drivers.

I think what @Warmlight1 means is that it should be an "all or nothing" approach. either the school doesn't host a prom party at all—which was the norm in UK 30 years ago and still is for some schools today—or, if they do hold one, they must invite every student, provided there are no safety risks. warmlight1 is completely opposed to the idea of the prom acting as a purely incentive or reward system, which I think is a fair point. Yes, most UK schools DO treat the prom as a reward, but that doesn't mean it SHOULD be handled that way.

Again. It’s not a sanction. It’s a reward for those who earn it. You don’t seem able to take this on board.

That’s because schools operate autonomously. Same is true of workplaces. There’s no mechanism (or reason) for it to be ‘fair’ between schools as long as each school is transparent about it’s own policy and applies it fairly - which seems to have happened here as far as we can tell from the OP’s hazy explanation.

Very sensible of you to refuse to take part under those circumstances, Happytaytos; that's your professional reputation on the line if something goes wrong, and hoping for any back up or acceptance of responsibility from the parents would be pointless

So - at least IME - is involving parents by asking them to atttend, when there's every chance they'll promise the earth to secure what's wanted and then simply fail to turn up

I have at times when students have been allowed in that's shouldn't be there.

At other times I happily attend because it's an event to celebrate those who deserve it

Some do refuse. Some refuse to go on trips as well.

So refuse to do it.
Surely the hoodies, shirt signing and other stuff is enough for all pupils.
Why bother if their I no advantage of prom and it's such an extra hassle for staff.

Just say you won't do it

So can easily be managed with specific risk assessment and not a high rate of exclusion.

No, the risk shouldn't be there in the first place. Get it wrong in school and you can't go to prom.

Would you argue for an underperforming staff member to get a bonus?