Daughter being excluded from prom

In what way? On what evidence?
I’ve worked in schools from 1988 until last year. It’s got worse for teachers, for sure, and I’m not keen on some of the curriculum changes I’ve seen, but in terms of support for pupils? Much more time, money and training is spent on it now.

The students aren't banned for being not liked.

Staff with poor attendance and a bad attitude don't tend to volunteer their time.

I would say schools are worse now than when I was at school.

Yes, we all know that. But we can only risk assess on what we know - their behaviour in school.
Edit: the school age career would have much better support now I’d hope than when you were at school. That’s the case in my experience anyway. I mean, their lives are still impossibly tough but school would help them out and not discipline for behaviour caused by that, so it’s a bit irrelevant.

What would be the relevance? Are you suggesting students are banned from prom because teachers ‘don’t like them’? I can assure you it’s not that. Some of the students I’ve most enjoyed teaching and had a lot of time for would have been a liability at prom. And some I didn’t really warm to would be perfect. It’s not a popularity contest.

It is a bit of a separate issue, but did you know the UK actually has the highest SEND rate in the world? We are such a massive outlier with almost 20% of kids labeled, compared to just 6% in the EU and 2-4% across East Asia.
We would assume people are roughly the same biologically, but the massive gap is down to how we diagnose, the lack of stigma here, and the way our system works. While it is great for being inclusive and showing kindness, it has definitely led to a lot of "abuse" of the definition. A SEND label shouldn't always become an excuse for bad behaviour or a free pass to any social gathering.

So know what's really odd is we all went to school and yet many adults can't comprehend that kids at school don't behave the way in all environments

In my school
There was the kid who was an angel in school butter wouldn't melt who has committed huge crimes outside of school. The fraudulent behaviour started before he left school but no one in school knew this.

And the kid who kept getting in trouble because they kept falling asleep, often forgot the PE kit and didn't get homework done. They were always in trouble. It's now common knowledge that they were working jobs to buy the food for the family and cooking meals, caring for siblings and keeping the house clean at home.

The kid who was told they'd never amount to anything who has a successful business

And the kid who got top grades in the school but is now an unemployed drug addict.

I wonder what the response would be if a teacher wasn't invited as the pupils didn't like them

That’s great. I’m sure the teachers are glad too, because it’s a lot of work for nothing but complaints as illustrated here. Out of interest, what would you do about pupils who had been violent or disrespectful in school, or who couldn’t be trusted not to damage the toilets while nobody was looking, or who were flight risks (or actually left without anyone seeing)?
Being a parent organiser doesn’t change the nature of the attendees though it might alter the level of your responsibility for what they do and their safety.

Reading this thread I'm so glad in my daughter's school it's the parents who organise the prom and teachers are invited to attend as guests if they want to come. Therefore no one is excluded and teachers aren't doing anyone a favour.

Wandering off without permission in a public venue is a safety issue. And no, asking parents to come (for all the reasons given by PPs) isn’t an option.
Edit: as someone who has staffed many, many proms and similar events over the years I’d far rather someone who gets a bit sweary be allowed to come to prom than someone who wanders. You can’t relax with those because if they wander off and something happens your career is over.

It is strange that @Warmlight1 has no objection to detention or suspension even though these punishments disrupt a child's legal right to an education, while at the same time strongly disapproves of a Prom ban. Prom is simply a social event in a child's spare time and has nothing to do with schooling. It is a dangerous mindset to view a party as more important than the fundamental job of school, which is education.

Do you think it’s really a problem if a child loses a playdate because they were naughty? View Prom as a massive play date: if behavior isn't there, the privilege is gone.
That said, for it to be a real motivator, there has to be a buffer. As long as it’s not arbitrary and kids have a fair chance to earn their ticket back through a "fresh start" period, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable trade-off.

Why is it a problem?

That's the thing I can't understand. Why should children who don't deserve a reward get one?

They've had years and ample opportunity to get it right and have chosen not to.

"School proms are more like the latter than the former"
.Indeed some children are excluded from school for these things -
Safety - actual safety- will always be a criteria. Just like you'd not bring a toddler to lots of places. I'm not saying all our family went everywhere together all the time.
The idea that schools have a criteria other than actual safety- and that the prom is used as a reward for the ' deserving' - this is the problem.

"My mother parent of 5 was very clear about socialising as a fundamental. She did not believe in withdrawing social or community events neither would she humiliate us in social situations."

There is a difference between not using family socialising as a punishment e.g birthday parties, anniversaries trips out and those that involve wider society.

There are plenty of social situations where it is perfectly normal and expected for boundaries to be set, with consequences if you break them

E.g banned from football grounds
Getting barred from pubs
Taken off planes because you verbally abused staff
Kicked out of party venues for bringing in alcohol smoking where you are not supposed to.

School proms are more like the latter than the former.

Allowing people to go to prom regardless of failing qualifying criteria is becoming more commonplace and propagates a sense of entitlement.

The school.has had them for years and that message will already have gone around multiple times. This isn't sounding like a concerned effort to reach a challenging child. It's sounding like an expending of the frustration of something that feels like failure. It is tough to feel you tried and tried and that child didn't respond. It's not sounding anything like a safety risk.assessment.

Tell me you don't work in a secondary school without telling me.

If only a conversation worked 🤣 🙈 🙈 🙈 😵‍💫

A conversation with them and parents would do that. If a conversation doesn't they are probably not ready for it. This is an inappropriate use of a prom.

I don't think anyone is delighting in it. Just accepting it as reality that some kids aren't well behaved, even within constraints of and reasonable adjustments implemented due to ND conditions.

Presumably the parents who find it abhorrent could do the same and organise, pay for and staff it themselves?

I totally agree.
A lesson that means you cannot behave however you want without there being consequenses.

À reality check.

What do you think it is for those who don't get it?

I find these schools and Mumsnetters who delight in deliberately excluding kids from prom just awful and cruel for the sake of it.

Thankfully at my daughter's school the parents organise the prom themselves, so no one can be excluded for uniform violations or similar nonsense.

I have 2 autistic nephews and an autistic DH and a prom would be their worst nightmare! If she has negative associations with school and is a refuser, anxiety and difficulties with friendships, she may well be better off out of it anyway. Chalk it down to experience and she may get to go to a 6th form prom if her behaviour improves.