Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Daughter being excluded from prom

659 replies

user1471497170 · 17/04/2026 11:42

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 17/04/2026 12:30

This is so cruel. It's another demonstration about how so many schools just simply don't understand or support the struggles of neurodiverse pupils (despite often claiming they do).

I think you have grounds to inform the school that you will now be taking advice regarding whether this is a case of disability discrimination against a pupil with a diagnosed disability recognised under disability discrimination law.

My DDs school didn't always understand my child's neurodiverse needs but they were never cruel. Her attendance in year 11 was very low as she was in a very severe autistic burnout. She was however still invited to all of the end of year events including prom. She only attended for about an hour but that hour was very important in terms of her mental health.

I'm not sure where you can go for advice. Perhaps Citizens Advice, your GP or CAMHs.

bigsoftcocks · 17/04/2026 12:27

Schools don’t seem to budge on these things once the decision was made. There was a case at my child’s school involving (very) bad behaviour due to similar and grief at home. They were excluded due to this and nothing and no discussions changed it.

don’t give up but try not to give your child hope they will change their mind as it’s likely they won’t due to precedents set.

good luck with it all.

ThejoyofNC · 17/04/2026 12:21

Why don't you think she should face the consequences of her actions?

TeenToTwenties · 17/04/2026 12:21

Prom is about the only hold schools have over y11s, so I can see why they use it.
However if she can't help it / has made improvements in can see the issue from your side, especially if it is impacting GCSE run up.
Sympathies but no suggestions.

deserthighway · 17/04/2026 12:19

DramaAndBullshit · 17/04/2026 12:16

To penalise an autistic young person for this ‘behaviour’ is discriminatory. I’d be absolutely furious. None of her behaviour has been disruptive, they are just being pedantic and ablist.

Can the OP be sure that the behaviour was due to autism though? How do you tell whether bad behaviour is due to autism or just regular naughtiness?

DramaAndBullshit · 17/04/2026 12:16

To penalise an autistic young person for this ‘behaviour’ is discriminatory. I’d be absolutely furious. None of her behaviour has been disruptive, they are just being pedantic and ablist.

AmberSpy · 17/04/2026 12:15

It's really sad for your daughter but I'm not sure you have grounds to escalate this really. As the PP has said, it's the school's discretion whether to provide a prom and whether to limit attendance based on behaviour. It sounds like they use it to try to improve behaviour across Y11 - but obviously it doesn't work as an incentive if kids who haven't met the minimum standards are allowed to go anyway.

I'd focus on an alternative for your daughter - a big treat for getting through Y11 and doing well enough (by the sounds of it) to move on to her chosen college course. She could throw a party for all her friends so that she still gets to celebrate with them, or you could arrange a lovely day out doing whatever she likes best.

Frame it as, she has worked really hard and made progress towards her future, and that's what really matters. Prom is honestly not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things and she will have many other opportunities over her life to go to wonderful parties and celebrations.

Try to encourage her not to wallow too much about the prom - it's disappointing but sometimes in life we don't get what we want, and the world keeps turning, and that's a lesson we all need to learn.

StormGazing · 17/04/2026 12:15

Considering she has a disability that’s terrible to hear. Her behaviour may well be because of the ND, my AuDHD son, when bullied and provoked will fight back, not ideal but I’ve bee up to school so many times to ensure the kids picking on him get into trouble too, always to a lesser extent than my DS of course as he has been provoked and kicks off. I’d be telling them they’re being ableist

anonymoususer9876 · 17/04/2026 12:04

What were the two complaints and why did you feel they were unsatisfactory? Were they to do with supporting her education? Have you followed the complaint procedure? If so, what are the next steps?

I would treat the invite to prom a bit differently as schools don’t have to provide proms and they do so at their own discretion. You could ask for a phone call to clarify about the 90% behaviour score and how they plan to support those that haven’t met that threshold. But no one has an absolute right to attend prom (unless the decision is discriminatory in nature).

Has the SENCO had any involvement- have they (or you) suspected any neurodivergence?

As an aside and going forward, I’d also ask what support you have been able to provide as her parent re MH. Have you seen GP or other mental health professionals?