Daughter being excluded from prom

This happens a lot more commonly than you might think. Having seen various complaints about this same issue play out through work I would probably focus on shielding her from the impact. Most schools will be finishing for study leave within the next month so she probably only has about four weeks left then she can move onto the next stage of her life post GCSEs. I might even consider starting her study leave early if you think this would be a benefit. I would probably try focusing on this and maybe think about holidays and future plans as a distraction. I think it is often the case that school behaviour policies and head teachers in general are not that great at making allowances for neurodiverse students. I would expect that as the insistence on main stream for more pupils grows there will be increasing challenges and tension around this. I hope at some point to see the government step in to insist that if more pupils are in the main stream, then policies such as uniform and behaviour are changed to reflect their diverse needs.

That's been the case since I was at school and I have children of my own. It's a reward, not a right.

This is incredibly cruel and discriminatory too.

There is a huge difference between behaviour that hurts others and behaviour that doesn't or that is due to not having one's needs met.

Local authorities don't want to fund specialist provision for children with SEN. But it often feels as if there's nowhere near enough thought going into making mainstream classrooms and learning accessible to all. A lot of the measures schools could take to become more autism/ dyslexia/ ADHD friendly would benefit all children.

Edit to add: the timing of this with GCSEs not yet sat is baffling. A kid with autism could be badly rocked by the perceived injustice of this situation

I can imagine all that time taken up doing extra curricular and offering extension programs is a drain on resources too for the majority of kids.

Some ideas:

Negotiate with a achool based on improvement. Take the scores from 18 months ago and show the delta.

Has she got friends now? Are they going? If not, you could host an alternate party / event.

Teach / tutor that could advocate for her?

Tbh how they think not going to prom is motivating for someone that wants to go... As if she has any incentive to change her behaviour now and she might actually disengage right before exams. Nuts.

But anyway....

It's your job as a parent now to know when to draw a line under it and offer an different narrative. You won't always be able to navigate / rescue but teach her how to move through this.

Proms in our area are organised by a group of parent volunteers and have nothing to do with teaching staff. Wasn’t aware teachers got involved in this sort of thing.

I imagine during her time at the school she has faced so many barriers due to her disabilities and that the school failed to properly and promptly provide adequate support to reduce the additional difficulties she faced through her disabilities. The schools failure not only had a detrimental impact on the girl but as a consequence of this likely had negative impacts to peers in her classes. The many failures by the school to properly educate and support the pupils at the school has result d in them punishing the most vulnerable rather than action and support.

How much less than 90% is her behaviour score? I mean are you talking 89/88% or is it more like 60%. Is the behaviour strictly due to her autism so has issues with an uncomfortable uniform which allowances should be made or is it deliberate breeches ie makeup, rolling skirt too high? Just because a child has autism doesn't mean everything they do is excused by that you still need to look at the motivation behind actions

That is absolutely insane. The ability to go to the prom is used as a reward / punishment? Holy cow.

Ah, so rewarding bad behaviour.

You said her behaviour score is less than 90% because of "reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted". Are these all directly because of her autism? (and what are "reminders" and why do they lead to some sort of behaviour point - do you mean reminders as in she has to be spoken to several times before she'll follow an instruction?)

Let’s hope you can both learn from this and move forward.

Are you legally qualified?

I’d escalate to governors.

I'm a firm believer in supporting the school etc but unless the dc is bringing in knives and setting fires, prom shouldn’t be taken away. Doing this straight before exams is so damaging. I hate this approach. If your dd can’t go I’d book something amazing that night - weekend away, theatre trip or whatever she’d enjoy and just say “fuck ‘em, I’m your mum and I know you’re awesome”

The complaints were about this prom policy which I feel discriminates against those with additional needs

So why didn't you advocate for your daughter (and others) and raise those concerns at any point over the last year?

Instead you sat back and assumed it was an empty threat, or that they'd make an exception. You're only complaining now because you were wrong.

I can imagine that over the course of her time at the school she will have taken up so much valuable teaching time dealing with her crappy behaviour that could have been so much better spent on educating the kids.

Yes, it can depend on the HT. I would also pop a quick call/email in to my MP’s office and ask what their thoughts are on eligibility criteria which effectively excludes children with disabilities (mine was very helpful in such matters, useless as a govt minister but a great constituency MP).

I would also contact IPSEA @user1471497170 who advocate for children with NDs as they would likely argue that the criteria for ND children should have accommodations that recognise their AuDHD etc. You can call their helpline and they can advise you if they feel you have a case to argue?

Appalling treatment of your DD. She should be being applauded for her achievements in her own right. She has made massive steps forwards in the last year, nevermind getting through secondary school.
Contact chair of governors.
What reasonable adjustments have been made to support her.
Is the prom before or after 30th June, as this changes the advice/legality of excluding her from this event.

God there’s some right sanctimonious dicks on this post.

What matters here is the detrimental effect this excluding from the Prom is having upon a vulnerable teen at a challenging time of her life. GCSEs are difficult enough, without adding neurodiversity and being excluded from your peer group in to the mix.

OP, I would request a meeting with the Pastoral Head at school. Ask them how they plan to support your daughter through this, make sure you tell them that your daughter’s wellbeing has been effected by their decision as she now feels left out and isolated from her peer group.

I agree, if autism is a protected characteristic in the work place why should an educational setting be exempt ?

Not riled in the least.

Ok. Calm down.
It was just a question. You are being very riled so I'm going to step away, as I would prefer a more reasoned and nuanced discussion.
OP, good luck with your DD, especially with her exams 🌸

I did all this for my child.

They would not change the decision.

@user1471497170 woukd be interesting to know what area you are in, in case the same!

What they’re is ilegal. Under the equality act of 2010. Get all of your facts together and ask for a meeting with the headteacher to discuss it - tell the head that this is a formal conplaint. Then if they don’t allow her to go to the prom
then follow the schools complaints procedure and consider legal action.

No helpful advice as I’ve never been in your situation, but just wanted to add a comment to say what a terrible, unfair, discriminatory system your school are operating. Prom should be for everyone! It shouldn’t be used as reward or punishment. Detention or litter picking or whatever should be punishment for behaviour. Prom is a time for peers to celebrate the end of their time at school together. How truly awful of this school to isolate from that.
I hope you are able to appeal this but failing that, if you can afford it, is there anything she would love to do/anywhere she’d love to go, that you can plan for her as a substitute treat? At least she will have something to look forward to then.