Daughter being excluded from prom

I'm also unsure what changed and when parents stopped supporting teachers? Feels like every parent nowadays has a golden child who would do no wrong even though it's patently obvious the opposite is true.

Her actions are clearly beyond her control. The school are totally unreasonable.

I'm sorry for the situation.

But I think the school position was very clear before this decision was made and that ND issues don't in themselves lead to breaking of these rules. If you felt they were, then the time to raise an issue was when she was being penalised with behaviour points, not now.

It doesn't sound like her behaviour has been consistently good if she was previously referred to a PRU and disability or not, her behaviour has, presumably at times, had impacts on staff and on other kids. I'm not sure what "reminders" are but she sounds generally unpredictable and not a rule follower I'm afraid.

I have a disability and I think at times we are doing our kids a bit of a disservice. If the school haven't been supportive of your kid's abilities, then the time to kick up a fuss about it is when it comes to how she's supported in learning, not attendance at a prom.

I'm not clear why this means she's now at home either. Are you permitting her not to attend school due to all of this?

Ultimately her next step is college, who will have a prom as well at the end. It will be a fresh start for her. But she also needs to start learning some life lessons at this age, hard as that is, that "improvement" is not always enough. That thresholds will be expected and that will be no different in her college.

Your job here, IMO is not to fight this but to help her understand how her own behaviours have contributed to where she's got to. Or, if you feel that the behaviour score has been impacted by her disabilities, then your own failings in not establishing reasonable adjustments so they are not impacting the perception of her behaviour. Learn from it before college if that's the case, or she'll continue to struggle.

I have dealt with this as a teacher.
Does you DD have an EHCP? If she does and it mentions behaviour as part of it then she should be able to go otherwise it is discriminatory.
I think the biggest issue is 'going to the toilet without permission' which translates to walks out of class and wanders around the school, which is a massive safeguarding issue and continues to be so at the Prom where the students will be in a public venue and will be around non-school people. They need to be able to ensure the safety of all students.

I know.

there is no evidence that either has happened. In fact, OP would surely have complained & took advice when her child was sent to the PRU if it was due to her disability?

so why start saying its that now when actually the child has made improvements. So it can’t all be disability related as there wouldn’t really have been improvements. OP hasn’t actually said if they made accommodation's last year or even if they were required

It’s too late to close the stable door once the horse has bolted

I would speak to the SENDCO and ask why the school is discriminating against your DD, whose disabilities are more than covered by the Equality Act 2010. Her EHCP or other plan should have been addressing these issues and .making reasonable adjustments to the schools rules/expectations for her, at least since the PRU episode.

Imagine penalties for being missing history class when history class is upstairs classroom and the lift is broken. Anyone missing will face the consequences of missing class.

Can you not recognise that a child who is able to walk upstairs V a child unable because they are in a wheelchair and can't walk are not both missing class for the same reason. Can you not recognise that it is not fair to punish both in the instance?

The school don't think so though, and they unlike you have witnessed her behaviour.

Are you actually suggesting that people with autism are generally badly behaved and have poor attendance? Because I can assure you that's incorrect.

The bottom line is this. There is very little schools can do to sanction year 11 kids. If their behaviour is being difficult and impacting their learning, or the learning of others then the school need to do something to change this. Removing prom is one of the things that may help kids to behave. Unless the other kids know about your daughter's difficulties and are able to understand why she has totally different targets for prom attendance, it is really hard to remove the rules for just one child. It's not right, but it's a symptom of an education system which is trying to teach big groups of children with very different needs all at once.

She has had the help and the warnings and now her actions have come back to haunt her. While i understand she is upset she has to learn that she can't do as she pleases and get away with it, She is about to go out into the adult world, a world where people will only give a free pass so many times.

Nope, you’re wrong.

Discrimination on the grounds of disability in this instance is the equality v equity analogy.

If all children (NT & ND) have to meet the same threshold then they’re not adequately allowing for the children with diagnosed disabilities and therefore they’re in breach of the law. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because she’s autistic and for an autistic kid, 90% attendance in Y11 is extraordinary.

@user1471497170 - go on disability discrimination. How can autistic kids be included in mainstream schools if they are punished for behaving like an autistic person? I’m so sad for your DD. I think she’s done amazingly.

Are you just going to keep copying and pasting ChatGPT outputs on this thread?

Strongly disagree with this approach by schools, it seems ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ for DC and disability discrimination.

Discrimination isn’t only about treating people differently—it can also be about treating people the same when their needs are different.

If a rule is applied identically to everyone, but it disproportionately impacts a disabled student (including an autistic student), that can still be discrimination. In UK law, this is often called indirect discrimination.

Do you know what behaviours lead to sending a child to a PRU?
It isn't minor things, I can assure you.

You can not guarantee your daughter’s behaviour - evidently. You couldn’t control how she behaved in school, you can’t control her behaviour at prom. If she goes and misbehaves this would ruin the evening for the teachers and cause a significant amount of extra work and it may ruin the evening for others.

It needs repeating autism does not cause bad behaviour, many people who happen to be autistic are very keen on rules and that they are followed. Other autistic students in the school year may be distressed and angry that someone who disobeyed the rules is allowed to go to the prom. We have rules for a reason, I like the security of rules and am offended others think they should be bent.
This thread shows no concern for others just the one child who could not behave despite being fully aware of the rules.

I thought proms were just an appalling American idea? Sadly, it appears not.

If schools actually allowed everyone to attend prom, there wouldn't be proms - because staff give their time voluntarily and many would refuse to attend if the badly behaved and/or poorly attending students were allowed to go.

As pp have said, it's a "carrot" to support behaviour and attendance - but it's also a preventative measure to protect staff.

Yes, it sounds like the school may have acted unlawfully by not taking her diagnosed disability into account.

Escalate the complaint and refer to the relevant Disability Discrimination legislation.

Its only discriminatory if they are penalising her & not any NT children who do it.

if the 90% threshold was known then daughter should have been encouraged to try & meet that target.

actions have consequences whether ND or NT

I don’t think OP has much chance of turning this over & should we working to minimise/reframe this to her daughter.

I don’t think prom should be linked to behaviour in the same way I wouldn’t cancel my dc birthday. General school trips? Yes, prom? No.

This is based on op stating the behaviour issues are uniform corrections and minor things, and a significant improvement in the last year. Not beating up class mates; which would be a different situation.

Nor can I, schools are meant to be supportive and nurturing environments, this seems an appalling decision.
I really hope that the upset doesn’t derail the OP daughter’s revision and upcoming exams, it’s awful timing. I don’t know where she could escalate this matter to, but if there is somewhere I would in her shoes. No wonder so many people prefer to home school if they can.

I think this school sounds awful,

Autism isn’t “bad behaviour” or a choice—it’s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a person experiences and responds to the world. Things like sensory overload, anxiety, difficulty with transitions, or communication differences can all show up as what schools sometimes label “behaviour issues,” but they’re not the same thing as deliberate rule-breaking.

Treating an autistic child exactly the same as neurotypical students isn’t fairness—it’s ignoring their needs. Real fairness means understanding the reason behind the behaviour and making reasonable adjustments so they can participate safely and comfortably.

Excluding your daughter from prom over “minor behaviour” feels especially harsh when you consider that she already struggles to attend school. That should be a red flag that the environment isn’t meeting her needs, not that she deserves to be left out of important milestones. My son is also autistic and I genuinely believe he would hate school if they didn’t provide the fantastic support that they do.

Prom isn’t just a reward, it’s a social experience and a memory most pupils carry with them. Denying that to a child who may already feel different or excluded risks reinforcing exactly those feelings.

Support and inclusion don’t mean ignoring boundaries, but they do mean applying them with understanding, flexibility, and compassion especially for children with autism.

I am genuinely appalled at the ignorance shown in some of the responses in this thread.