Daughter being excluded from prom

I think it's disgusting to exclude any child from prom. If the pupil is considered safe in school and expected to attend then they are safe enough for prom. I think it's bullying and a power hit. The pupil has improved and that's a win.
Toilet access withheld is illegal.
OP you may need to plan something else for that day.
I have a now adult sen DD and I'm a school governor.

Prom is a massive privilege. People are making a lot of assumptions here on quite frankly limited information. It’s possible the school are being unfair but it’s just as possible that op dd does not deserve to go to prom.

She has to have done it before the threat of prom, or she’d already not be there to attend it.

Once you get close to exclusion, you really are on thin ice - nobody’s waiting 2 academic years to exclude a child who hasn’t improved.

18 months ago she was in Y9, and nobody will have said that prom was a threat, exclusion was the threat.

Thats the point of behaviour management, improving it.

She maybe hoped that the improvement she’d made would be enough, it obviously isn’t.

Things like “uniform” and unauthorised loo stops are strongly suggesting unmet SEND needs and therefore possible discrimination.

However, she is about to leave, and has somehow managed to cope in such a system- perhaps it’s worth mentioning to them, but I’m not hopeful of big changes at this stage (for her). I hope she has a very carefully planned next step for sixth form/college.

Mum of 3 ND children here. They all know actions have consequences, at both school & home.
They can't just not go to work because they've fallen out with a friend. We need to prepare our ND children for the real world as they fundamentally have to live & survive in it.
I do think school should not inform the until after exams who can attend or not as this my effect thier studies. Realistically though, I'd be encouraging them to focus and move on to thier next adventure in life!

Did your dd hurt or bully any of the other children in her years? Or any teachers?

Not what I'm saying. I'm suggesting that it's not either or, but always autism and. Autism is the constant backdrop upon which all behaviour plays out. My autistic DC generally behaves well and follows rules, occasionally panics in certain situations and behaves in ways that might be challenging or rude to some (getting up and leaving without saying goodbye, not responding when spoken to, avoiding eye contact at all costs, may speak in what can be interpreted as a 'tone' etc) and can also misbehave on purpose, doing standard toeraggy things, for all the usual reasons -fun, defiance, personal gain etc. But they're always autistic, never 'just generally naughty'). It's an and. And I'm not excusing bad behaviour and using autism as an 'out': we've worked really hard to be where we are now.

But you said that her behaviour improved and she didn't get the desired outcome (attending the prom).
That surely proves that she can control her behaviour if it fact she wants to?

I can only give my thoughts based on the op’s post. I don’t think making up a back story is helpful. That said, my thoughts remain, I disagree with prom being behaviour related except in extreme cases. I know our school does the same, however, my friend’s ds had a similar experience to the op’s dd last year at our school. School set him achievable stretch goals for him to be able to attend prom, which he achieved. It was bespoke and acknowledged school was hard for him but they set him up to succeed.

i think that’s the right approach. I say this as the mum of well-behaved dc who never get logs at school. They find that easy, but I’m able to understand it’s not the same for everyone. Reasonable adjustments feel right for dc wanting to go to prom who are struggling but trying.

It was called a Leavers Ball when I attended mine in '89, but I imagine the principle is the same.

Ime 1-2% of students are excluded from prom and they are the ones who have regularly ruined the education experience of their peers.

I attended Prom as staff a few years ago.It was held in the main function room of a hotel but the father of one of the students spent the evening in the hotel bar 'on call' ready to deal with his daughter if she kicked off. It might be worth offering to do the same if it's your DD's behaviour at prom that's the issue?

I don’t think I did say that, no.

Prom aside though, we can’t be telling kids that they need to take steps to improve their behaviour, and then telling them they’re “following rules as they see fit” when they do. Talk about moving the goalposts.

So what you are saying is that the OP's daughter can follow rules when she sees fit??

She's under camhs, neurology, paediatrics for physical health symptoms and GP currently. Her behaviour 18 months ago that'll led to the pru referral was on a different level altogether and if she was behaving anything like that now I would completely support an exclusion from prom.

But also...

The complaints were about this prom policy which I feel discriminates against those with additional needs.

And yet 18 months ago you would've completely supported a policy that you feel discriminates against those with additional needs???

She’s not in a PRU, she said she almost got sent to one.

That tells me that her behaviour did escalate to a point where they started considering managed move, exclusion, PRU etc, but she pulled it back.

Clearly not far enough to get a prom ticket, but enough to have not been excluded since.

Like you I’ve worked in secondary schools, and PRUS, and that’s some turnaround of behaviour. Usually they’d have wanted her out before she went into Y11, at the very latest.

Which is why I think she’s put the effort into getting from terrible to still not great but better, and hasn’t actually gotten the benefit from that that she was hoping for.

I don't think anyone is saying autistic people can't follow rules.
But some rules in schools unfairly discriminate against some autistic people.

One example is a tie. Some autistic people find a tie sensory overwhelming. So if they unbutton the top button and loosen the tie this may mean they can focus and manage and learn at school. Technically against the uniform code but not naughty or disruptive. This could however, result in behaviour points. If a teacher is particularly strict them may also pull this child up and target them. If the child is made to tighten tie they may overwhelm and fidget due to being so uncomfortable, this can annoy the teacher who will issue further behaviour points and further reprimand the pupil. The pupil isn't able to concentrate due to how uncomfortable they are and so doesn't finish their work or has made mistakes. Teacher tells them off again and gives more behaviour points
This one tiny issue could result in many behaviour points being received.

One lesson in one day and already the negative behaviour points are stacking up

Your daughter will not be the only child in the school with neurodivergence and/or mental and physical health issues.

Are children with these issues being excluded from Prom at a disproportionately high rate compared to children who are neurotypical and don’t have health issues?

If that’s the case then you have grounds to argue that this is discrimination as the standards being required aren’t realistically achievable for all children.

If not then I think you may have to accept that she is at least partially at fault. Your example of wearing mascara to school can’t be argued as a sensory issue, for example. If she wasn’t breaking the rules about make up, she wouldn’t have been in the situation of being grilled about fake lashes.

I would encourage her to reflect and take responsibility for her actions, and use this as a learning opportunity going forward.

I was going to write the same. A PRU referral isn't made lightly. I've worked in several secondaries all of whom have had students moved to PRUs and the behaviour has usually been extreme. I'm talking violence, threats etc over an extended period of often years. I agree that the level of SEND is higher in PRUs but similarly there are many many students with additional needs (including autism) in mainstream school whose behaviour has not been destructive enough to warrant PRU and who have happily attended Proms.

Autism can explain extreme behaviour, certainly. OP states that her DD's behaviour has improved since being in a PRU (no doubt with the support of specialist trained teaching staff and other professionals) but has still not reached the minimum targets in order to attend prom. There should be notes in her records if she needs to go to the bathroom frequently - going without permission is a safeguarding risk (especially in a PRU) for example. Likewise if her uniform has caused issues these should have been resolved with the SENCo a long time ago, not weeks before Prom.

OP hasn't told us why her DD ended up in a PRU in the first place - they don't refer just for friendship issues...

There were zero school proms back when i was @ sch., mind you I wouldn’t ever anyway have gone to it.
I hated school, & would never allow schools authority to have power over my attitude, thoughts & feelings.
(i never did anything against sch rules… tho quite difficult @ a boarding sch.!)

FAFO

Welcome to the real world where whatever the cause of your actions, those actions have consequences.

How can you possibly know that?

Some of her behavioural issues might be autism.
Some might just be poor behaviour - typical teen.

You cannot possibly know?

If OPs daughter was at the point if referral to PRU that is way beyond behaviours due to autism that were beyond her control. You don't get referred to PRU for bring overwhelmed in a busy classroom and quietly leaving, or for struggling with the itchy jumper fabric so wearing an alternate jumper that's really similar same colour etc but a smoother fabric.
You only get referred to PRU if your behaviour is so bad it's seriously impacting on those around you.

All schools have a similar policy which is really clearly explained and emphasised to students during the year.

She got negative marks, and therefore isn't going to prom.

The fact that her behaviour is not as bad as it was is utterly irrelevant. Her behaviour is bad if she's getting negative marks.

She, and you, would have known that she was getting negative marks and yet behaviour was not changed.

I don’t know what this shit is about not letting a kid go to prom because of attendance

Because of constant poor behaviour sure. But attendance which could be as a result of many things that’s just not ethical it’s awful