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Original poster

Friendship wobble after secondary places – normal?

34 replies

Justaparentxx · 04/03/2026 13:49

End of Y6 and emotions clearly running high. We’re currently at a state primary and DD is moving to an independent school in September. It’s a big financial stretch for us, but felt right for our family.
A mum I was friendly with (her DD is going to the local co-ed) has noticeably pulled away since places were confirmed. No argument, just distance.
I’m genuinely puzzled and a bit sad. Has anyone else found friendships shifting at this stage? Is this just transfer-season sensitivity?
Not looking to stir anything – just trying to understand.

OP posts:
Forgotthebins · 04/03/2026 17:37

a big reason people choose private schools is to get their kids more wealthy and better connected friends. So she may very well feel that it’s you who initiated the distancing, not her. If you had wanted to stay friends with her there are very easily things you could have done to signal that.

Original poster
Justaparentxx · 04/03/2026 17:25

Thank you everyone for sharing your views. It’s really sad to realise this is much more common than I knew. I also thought it was a genuine friendship that survives school changes, etc.
I really appreciate all the honesty and perspectives. It’s given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 04/03/2026 16:37

She’s probably just thinking that your daughters may drift apart once they are in different schools, so is not making as much of an effort any more.

CarlaLemarchant · 04/03/2026 16:17

I had what I thought was a genuine friendship with one of the school mums and our dc were best friends. We moved house to get into a catchment of an outstanding secondary school but in reality it was only a mile away and we didn’t move any of our dc schooling, it was just to aid the secondary application process. However as soon as we moved she really cooled the friendship and I noticed she stopped inviting my dc to stuff.

It was all very odd but essentially I think she felt that as the dc weren’t going to the same secondary she no longer had to invest in either our friendship or the kids. Bit sad really as I felt both could have endured, we were only a mile down the road.

Tarkadaaaahling · 04/03/2026 14:23

A lot of school gate friends are transitory friendships and what keeps the friendship going is the shared interest and experience of child attending the same school. Once the kids aren't at school together anymore what you had in common fades somewhat. I don't think there is anything wrong in recognising a friendship has run it's course a bit.

SincerelyDoubtIt · 04/03/2026 14:01

It might have been like this even if you'd chosen a different state school.

Mum friends can be situational, just like work friends.

dicentra365 · 04/03/2026 13:59

I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some judgment around the private school. A feeling of you thinking that the options available to their children are not good enough for your child. I’m not saying this is right by the way just that it wouldn’t be uncommon.

redskyAtNigh · 04/03/2026 13:58

Are you actually friends or are you just "friendly" because your DC are friends/in the same class?

If you were friends I'm surprised this has not come up before, so I suspect it might be the latter?

Basically you are saying "the local school is not good enough for my DC" and she's unlikely to see you much in the future, so not interested in investing more in your company.

Pyjamatimenow · 04/03/2026 13:57

Yes this happens a lot sadly. Dd went to a different high school to most of her y6 class and she was definitely ostracised once that was established. Nothing you can do. A lot of mums will only put energy into friendships with other mums if it benefits their kids long term. There will be a bit of jealousy thrown in if you’re going private school route as well