Friendship wobble after secondary places – normal?

@redskyAtNigh that's a valid point! To know you don't need to stay friends if you didn't want it.
In my experience though DD keeping in touch with junior school friends was really beneficial for her as she worked through her new friendships in the new school. It took a while for her to feel she could truly be herself and her old friends was a comfort zone in itself. Naturally she no longer speaks much with those who do not share much common interest, but she still has sleepovers and hangs out with some of those who are still friends. Most will drift away with time but I'm happy to support whoever she wants to keep in touch with.

Most school mums are not friends with all other school mums. So one more mum they are not friends with hardly makes any difference.

Realistically children do not stay friends with their primary school friends unless they go to the same secondary school, have an out of school activity in common, are near neighbours, or have parents who make a huge effort to facilitate it.

I actually think teaching your children that you don't have to stay friends with someone for ever is quite a positive thing to do. So many children move up to secondary school, their primary school friends move one, and they are distraught.

We did not experience this much, but don't the children have 4 more months in school, including day and residential trips, various school events and end of school ceremonies planned? I can't understand why someone would pull away so quickly and obviously, if ever.
Basically that's teaching my child that friendships can only exist inside the same school. Of course after they go different paths, some become strangers and some still keep in touch, and that's life. But what a stupid thing show your child if that really was the reason.

“The local co-ed “ does sound dismissive. Ok it is a local school and educates boys and girls…but the phrases, the local comp, etc sound dismissive.

And the truth is you HAVE used your resources to choose a school you think will be better.

So who knows. Could be your attitude, could be envy, could be different beliefs.

Adults put so much energy and emotion into the secondary transfer process, it’s not going to settle in a completely neutral objective way.

It might also bd temporary. Keep being friendly yourself. Support your DC’s friendships.

Unfortunately this happens at year 6 but usually towards after they finish school. I had a group of mum friends at primary and I was admin on the year 6 Facebook group. We all went out just before the summer holidays for a night out thinking we would all still be in touch.
I actually said I would keep the Facebook group so we could all keep in touch and see how all the kids were getting on in their new schools.
September of year 7 there were photos of them in new uniforms posted.
Then silence nothing. People whose child went to a different school to mine deleted me as a friend on FB but stayed on group.
In year 8 I deleted the group. We are all now in year 11 and about to do GCSEs and sometimes I think I wonder what XYZ are doing for their exams, post 16 plans but it was so long ago now its more me being nosey!
Yes OP it happens unfortunately x

I knew from previous conversations that she wasn’t keen on my idea of trying for a selective indie, even though her older children had gone to them in the past, so I generally tried to avoid the topic.

'Not keen' as in, her older DC had a terrible time, she's tried to put you off choosing this type of school for your DD, but as you've clearly ignored her advice, she's washed her hands of you'? Or 'having to big up the state options for this child, as they can't afford to send her to an indie'?

I mean, possibly neither, obviously, but it seems odd that your impression from your conversations is that she wasn't keen on you making a particular choice for your own DC (as opposed to just something along the lines of, 'been there, done that, we've decided not to do it again for this one').

Would her DD have been likely to get a place at the selective school, had she tried?

@PurpleThistle7 that’s what I got from more than one parent going private. Money aside I really wanted mine to go local as I hated being at a non local school when I was a teen (still a comp but church school). Our local comp is good albeit can’t compare with extra curricular offer you get for £20k a year. I think it’s good to have to navigate all aspects of a big school for resilience etc
I had several other parents make comments on why their child just had to be in private. Even as bad as ‘well it would have been ok if there had to go to X High but we are relieved they don’t have to’
There was a divide in Yr6 too by the end. I’m still friends with a couple but the rest not

I think this is pretty inevitable - friendships in high school are up to the kids, and it's not particularly likely that they'll continue being really close. Not impossible, but unlikely. And I'm guessing if she's a bit sensitive about it, you might have said something that could have been hurtful. Unless you regularly spent time together without the kids and without talking only about the kids, this friendship was situational and you should be pleased you're staying cordial. Leave the future to the kids to figure out.

I think it’s possible you’re over reacting as it’s not been that long. But also it’s pretty unusual to have parent friends like this in high school. It’s not like you’d go along when the kids hang out so there’s not much need to be friendly with your child’s friends’ parents. So it could just be the end of an era.

My daughter’s former bestie went private for high school and the girls have drifted apart. I was friendly with the mum (like we’d have a coffee while the girls were playing when they were little) but after a few rounds of hearing about how much better the private school was, how it was so important for her daughter to have better facilities, how she just couldn’t picture her daughter going to the local state school… I just stepped away. Of course everyone has control over their own lives but I didn’t need to hear the endless judgement about my choices.

School places only came out on Monday! How much contact were you in to feel this by Thursday? It may well be that she’s just having a busy few days?!

Years ago this happened to me but the other way around. My eldest DD was in a small private primary school and we got the call from the local primary school to say she’d finally got a place. We moved her across because we couldn’t actually afford the private school. One of the mums I was very close with at the private school never spoke to me again. Literally cut all contact like I was dead to her. I suppose she saw me as lowering my standards. Fast forward to this September and one of my other children was starting at the local high school and I bumped into her again as her child had started at the sixth form there. So she’d lowered her standards too!! Or did the private to state switch to get into university… anyway my point is primary school mum friendships can be the best friendships of your life (my mum and my best friend’s mum are still besties in their 70s and met at the school gates), but they can also be fickle and make you feel like you’re 8 again.

If it was a genuine friendship than maybe try to salvage it?

But was it? Did you see each other separately (not with your children)? Did you have interests in common that weren't related to your children? What's been her attitude up to now when you've talked about applying to the private school?

It's of course common to have "situational" friends (e.g. work friends who you never see again once one of your leave the company), but it's sad if you thought you were friends beyond being thrown together because of your children.

@Justaparentxx you may have made innocent comments that others find annoying / offensive. Friends that I had / have certainly did…
Your child needs stretching, the facilities are better, your child needs smaller classes, behaviour is better etc etc
which can come across as not something others would want

I thought that then realised the private school offer could have been 3-4 weeks ago

I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with your DC going to a private school, it's always happened. I passed the 11+ in the 1960s and hardly ever saw my friends from primary school again

It’s been two days since offer day, how has she ignored you already? Were you texting daily before? Maybe she’s busy?

I got the impression the OP was talking about the mum friendship, not the child friendship.

Were you there?

Absolutely normal in my experience. People naturally shift to focusing on children they will encounter next year. It’s sad but inevitable.

Surely 10 and 11 year olds no longer need "pay dates" and are independent enough to get themselves to school without being ferried around like parcels. I got myself to school from age 7 and I dont ever recall my mother being a school mum or invested in my friendships.

I doubt she was ostracised. It would just be a case of pupils wanting to consolidate friendships with other children going to the same secondary.
10 and 11 year olds would have naturally been anxious about secondary and looking to make friends to go up with them. That might result in other friendships being put on the back burner.

We were warned about this by the Y6 teachers but it never happened with our class. My DD got into a highly sort after school and friendships continued throughout Y6. She's still friends with them now.

I’m a Yr6 LSA. This is very normal.
Children start to focus on the classmates who are going to the same secondary school as them.
Every year we see friendships change and new ones form after secondary school allocations are out.
10 and 11 year olds are very egocentric and want a friendship group to support and surround them when they go up to a new and scary secondary school. Parents often help to consolidate the new friendships by arranging play dates, as they are obviously also wanting their child to go up to secondary with a solid group of friends for support.

Some will do it to protect their children from friends who are going to ‘better’ schools. Year 6 kids compare notes a lot. We had to endure a lot of bragging by those going private. They are likely to grow apart now anyway