My child is in constant trouble at school but good at home. What to do.

I think this school is just not right for him and they are too strict for him.

I'd really consider a new school.

Poor lad, this must be demoralising. Have you discussed whether he wants to behave in these lessons, but can't? Or whether he actually doesn't care. Given the level of anxiety he's experiencing (not eating) I'd say it sounds like he can't control it, which is a senco issue for sure. I also wonder how he would feel about a different school? The problem with amazing state schools (on paper) is they do need excessively tight discipline, and there's a bit of a factory vibe (not all good schools but generally speaking). Is there a chance that they're overly focussed on discipline and that approach just doesn't suit him at all? My ds is very very bright, but he hates being neat and tidy, he hates irrelevant or pointless rules and he will challenge teachers (politely) if he disagrees with something- he wouldn't do well at our local outstanding school, they are very strict, very clear that uniform has to be pristine and that you must fit their vision of well behaved. A more nurturing and gentle environment is a better fit, even though the results on paper look worse. I suspect if you continue like this, his anxiety and dislike of school will build to school refusal.
Sit down with the senco, discuss the behaviour, his anxiety, your concerns, get them to look at adhd but also consider and discuss with him what "good" for him actually looks like - it can't be avoiding school so either there's support for him to hit the requirements at this school, or it's a different option/approach, or he sucks up being consistently in trouble (which sounds like a non option given his dislike of it and the impact on you all)

OP, follow all this great advice on talking to Senco, and tell them he is on the point of school refusal. Try to negotiate that he can go to the library or another study space during French lessons and either work on French on a laptop with headphones or work on another subject for that time. If he knows he won’t be dealing with his worst teacher it may help him stay in school.

The other thing that you could add to your googling list is in relation to the eating - it sounds like that's not a current concern, but ARFID goes along with ND issues and can go alongside anxiety. Just to flag that in case it recurs - if he's always been a fussy eater with a limited menu, and has restricted / avoided food to the point of medical intervention, then it's one to be conscious of because treating it as anorexia can be unhelpful.

I see someone's already beaten me to it with the suggestion of RSD which is very common with ADHD. The strong sense of justice goes in there too. I'm going to suggest the reason that you don't see "problem" ADHD behaviours at home (but do see the distractibility, no sense of time, sensitivity to criticism etc) is because his needs are being met at home. He's struggling at school because his needs are not being met there.

Someone said to me when my AuDHD DC was younger that if my child was really well behaved at school but acting out at home, subject to constant sanctions at home, and repeatedly saying at school they didn't want to come home, it would be treated as a safeguarding issue. People would be asking what the hell was happening at home. Whereas when the reverse happens it's meant to be the child's fault. And that really struck a chord.

He might actually find GCSE years a bit better as classes become more about the academic course and less about crowd-herding.

Hello OP, your incredible son certainly sounds like he has ADHD. He sounds like he is parented in a warm, supportive, and encouraging home, where his strategies to manage his ADHD traits are hugely supported and accommodated and he - quite rightly! - isn't made to feel like a lesser person because of it. Great job you are doing!

My heart breaks reading what he's going through at school. Because it's so hard (impossible?) for ND people to try to become literally a square peg to fit into a round hole (is that the right saying?!). What he does need is support to work around. He's just not going to be able to mute himself in classes. He's just not. That's what ADHD is. A different brain make up that renders EXACTLY this type of thing as impossible as asking someone with a broken leg to do something they literally can't. And ADHD is permanent. He can learn to work around - like he does when he repeatedly tries to check times and plans and departures with you.

Also, school is like society. So, some people get it, some people try to get it, some people don't get it, and some people are only fixated on how the challenges of others affect them / their own children - and they aren't willing to step outside their own sphere and think about others needs and challenges. These people need to be acknowledged but kind of ignored in this sense, because your childs mental health is paramount.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but your son obviously is celebrated and seen positively by many teachers. I think you mentioned Geography, for example.

One step you could take as a family is literally to ignore the sanction points.

Just kind of grey rock them. And let it be less impactful for him. Literally, 'meh'. Meh to detentions. (unless of course they needed something). But I mean for the ones he has accrued for sanction points. That's literally penalising him for having a disabilty and it is CRUEL. But ... you sound like you are working with a school that has not yet grasped this, and need urgent measures for your son's welfare.

So stop caring about the sanction points. Literally breeze them off. Give them less heed. See them as tiresome and almost irrelevant. 'No need buddy to bother calling me about another one - unless of course you want to - just remember to tell me about the best point you picked up in that lesson. Remember the teacher is there to share their knowledge over to you, so make sure you pick up a bit off them, that's what I care most about."

And then go alllll out on the celebration stuff, and do extra attention only to the achievements. (You've already said he's honest if he messes up, so you really have a great kid there and you've obviously done a fantastic parenting job up to now. And don't have serious behaviour issues.)

One other thing I'd tentatively ask / suggest considering ... is there anything at all about your son that could make him stand out even more?

Because unfortunately, this is like a double whammy.

PM me if you like.

Also have you spoken to any other parents and those of his friends to see if they’re having similar experiences

It’s not a good fit move him. It’s ruining his relationship with learning

No this never happened. We were never told we needed parenting lessons.

Start with diet and high protein to bring his weight up. Anaemia, low weight etc can contribute to ADHD symptoms. Sometimes getting a child involved with planning and making their own packed lunch can help.

Then, social and emotional health. He needs friends at school and out of school and a hobby he can shine at. Either clubs at school or ideally something fresh air based. Forget the football. Sadly, at this age it can be difficult if they are smaller than average. And if he is already struggling socially (aka playing the clown) big team sports are challenging.

In parallel, get him assessed. Start with ADHD and also his IQ potential. He sounds very bright.

Try and get him back into reading and enjoying anything quiet time, like listening to music, puzzles. Start building up his quiet focus time. Try mindfulness and observing, self help books and mindful colouring. There is all sorts around, yoga works for some kids which you can do together. Some kids like making things, being outdoors.

The tip about thinking stuff in your head rather than saying it is important too. School should really give him a notebook to write stuff down instead of chatting. See the SENCO for wobble cushions all ADHD stuff they have, let him have a safe space to go to if he feels overwhelmed. He does not need a diagnosis for them to put in the right interventions.

He sounds like a genuinely kind and lovely lad who is struggling but will get there with the right interventions.

Sounds like there is a lot going on and you say that they are well behaved at home then post about them not eating them you stopped the punishments, this isn’t good behaviour.
Have you taken them to the GP for a referral? Have you spoken to SENCO at the school?
Brace yourself as when they are assessed it will be spoken about that you need parenting lessons as you have enabled the behaviour to continue and can’t see that his behaviour at home was and is a major concern.
Good luck, hope you all get the help you need in order that they can reach their full potential.

I haven't read the full thread, but are you sure he isn't just bored.
I know that sounds trivial but hear me out. I like your son was terrible in school, always in trouble always thrown out of lessons. Detention after detention, until I got expelled, because of a dispute with a teacher I asked to be removed from, but noone listened to me. I went on to a new secondary school who listened to me for the first time in my secondary school life. I was put in the wrong sets (at the time based on how smart you were) they assumed because I was "disruptive" it was because I was stupid. Far from it I needed to be more challenged, I completed a math text book in 2 weeks whilst the rest of the class were on page 30. I have no idea if I am ND, I probably am but like you said i was born in the 90's. I look back now and know it was because I wasn't given things to really test my knowledge I loved to learn still do about anything. But back then I was labelled the troubled kid who was too stupid to get good grades. So they put no effort in. Similar sort of teachers too I could tell you exactly who had an issue and 90% of the time it's that they used me for an example of what not to do.

Why shouldn’t he?

I think ADhds often need more parental support and lean on their parents more.

And if your personality is sensitive, chatty and impulsive then you are totally screwed.

OP, the sensory issues (sitting next to the girl with BO) and the eating issues would have me wanting him screened for ASD.

In the short term, could you ask for detentions to be paused for him, while things are re-set, and get him a support person in school (you mention a mentor). He shouldn't be calling you so often.

When are the French lessons?
Could he stay home just those days/mornings?
I'd say to the school he's on the cusp of school refusal and as an adjustment you'd like him excuses from French for the time being to see if it improves his behaviour/attendance in general.

Good luck! I respect your willingness to take criticism on board.

I'd never heard of SLANT so I looked it up, what is this rubbish?! How on earth is it a tool to 'teach like a champ' 😳