Moving schools in year 9 (currently at Queenswood)

Hi OP,

Im so sorry to hear about your dd, I have 3 girls and have been through friendship issues.

I don’t know whereabouts you live and it might be too far, but I highly recommend St Helen’s in Northwood. My oldest dd went there, it’s a fantastic school. They have an extensive coach service that covers parts of Herts.

@MotherOfDD What changed the game, especially for DD1, was moving into GCSE classes. The DDs she was with became her firm friends and had similar interests. No one was awful. Some prioritised sport, others music and drama and no parents belonged to the “money club” for special attention. Although everyone knew who had the money!

I could only settle in with a few in DD2’s cohort. I saw a few nice mums socially but would actively swerve quite a few! Obviously there’s an issue if so many have left already. As I said, the big exodus for DD2’s cohort was after GCSEs and a lot of parents kept their powder dry. Of course schools cannot influence how parents are and Q isn’t that great academically any more. Probably shored up by international girls - as DD1 had so few in her cohort, this wasn’t always the case. They haven’t attracted heads who wanted to push on with academics and media studies says it all. When DD1 started, Q results were the same as my local girls grammar. Poles apart now.

For another reason, I looked around RM recently. Looked very tired to me.

If you don’t mind where, friends have been delighted with Rugby.

@MotherOfDDYou are seeing the differences we saw between DD1’s cohort and DD2’s. Like chalk and cheese. The type of parent noticeably, changed. As did the DDs. It became a big problem for some girls to be accepted and there was constant boasting about wealth. The school taps into this of course by social events for wealthy donors. We had some very wealthy parents in DD1s cohort, but they had lovely girls. In DD2s cohort this very much changed. I remember at parents evening, one family brought younger DS along and he reserved places in the teacher queues for his parents! The ball is another eye opener.

I would say DD1 found her true friends in y9-10. Both my DDs did the term long school exchanges they used to do. Also DD1 especially got very stuck into music and house events. Both mine boarded and maybe this provided better friendships? Although DD2 found very few to be friends with. Some were truly awful and the parents were very tribal. They only wanted people like them and DDs were similar. The school is a shadow of its former self I’m afraid.

Forgot Bancrofts. A dd we knew moved to there very successfully. Where can you reasonably travel to though?

Sorry to hear about your situation OP and I completely understand your concerns. Do other parents at the school feel the same or are having a similar experience? What about Royal Masonic, Berkhamsted Girls or Abbots Hill. I know some have been mentioned but I wondered if anyone could provide more detail. Does the OP or anyone else have experience of these schools or have friends with girls there. We are considering these senior schools for our daughter and interested to hear any feedback or if @MotherOfDD any reasons you would consider or discount these?

Haileybury? BSC?

I can 100% recommend St Francis in Letchworth. Another all girls school (so you may want to avoid) but the girls are all very grounded and it’s quite a small independent school so no where for anyone to hide and they deal with bullying straight away.

@Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble I agree with you so much on this. We moved one of our dc and it was the best thing we’ve ever done. Short term upheaval for long term gain and the difference when they are at the right school for them can be so significant.

@RatherBeOnVacation i wonder if that really depends if you are at a through school, middle school etc rather than an 11-16 or 11-18? In many schools Year 7 isn’t a big transition point the way it is at an 11-16/18?

@XelaM Of course it’s not true for every child but it’s a very well known pattern for girl friendships throughout their teens.

that sounds tough for your daughter @MotherOfDD .

I don’t have personal experience but have seen girls move from another local girls school (where they were struggling for similar reasons) to Bancroft’s and have found it to be a world of difference. They moved mid-year and it was very successful.

I can’t help with the school however, I moved my son after the first term in year 10 due to various things and bullying being one of them. Best thing I could ever have done. He’s made a great bunch of friends, is so much happier and because of that is performing better.

I wouldn’t hesitate to move your child when they are unhappy.

You can't generalise. Friendship issues that started in Year 9 never settled for my daughter and Year 10 has been horrendous for her. It hasn't really improved but she stopped caring now in Year 11. I'm absolutely kicking myself for not having moved her at the end of Year 9.

Why would you reply if you don't know?!

OP - We know many girls at Queenswood. Whatever you do - do not move to Mount House. The school will tell you how focused they are on pastoral care, but it's a complete lie and the pastoral care at the school is awful.

I would have a look at St John's (Ridgeway). The kids there seem to have a very active social life.

Still unnecessarily rude though.

Hi @PopcornPoppingInAPan thanks for your feedback.

I was up in the small hours as I have a long term health condition.

HTH

I’m really sorry to hear your dd is struggling op. St Chris in Letchworth is very good for this kind of situation and the school regularly rescues kids who have become socially isolated or where there has been actually bullying. They have had a couple of ex Queenswood girls in the past I think. Very good pastoral care and Year 9 is one of the usual joining points, so there would be quite a number of other new ones.

It’s very common for girls to feel this way at the start of Y9. Y8 at most schools is turbulent when it comes to friendships. My DD felt the same - like third wheeling on the fringes of friendship groups. Liked, but not feeling like she had a group of best friends.

By the end of Y9 she had found her people and I imagine she will be friends with them even after she’s left school. I work with teens and girl friendships usually go as follows:

Y7 - everyone is friends with pretty much everyone, friendship groups are pretty large and whilst there are some dramas it’s usually OK

Y8 - friendship groups become smaller as they realise such big groups aren’t sustainable. People start to feel excluded and like they don’t fit in. Meet ups outside school get more frequent as they get independence to travel alone

Y9 - anxieties increase as those Y8 friendships have been strengthened over the summer hols. Friendship groups are less tolerant and the big dramas tend to happen. Lots of falling out and friendship groups fracturing. Starts to calm down by end of the year.

Y10 - things have really settled down. Girls realise they can actually talk to each other even if they’re not friends. Drama level significantly decreased

Y11 - no drama. All busy doing GCSEs

Sixth Form - all very supportive and kind to each other.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s probably not an issue unique to the school. I agree that if you’re going to move then now is the time to do it, but you may well find the same elsewhere.

There’s currently only one girl in Y9 at Westbrook Hay I think. Give it a few years and I think would be a good option.

@MotherOfDDI really feel for your DD. Both my DDs boarded at Q but had very different experiences. I don’t agree with the poster saying out of school contact doesn’t matter - it does. Being left out is never kind. My DD1 had loads of friends from London and was never excluded by them. In fact, is still friends with them years later.

The difference we saw just 3 years later was extreme and DD2 struggled to find her tribe and the school didn’t deal with bullying girls. Or other awful behaviour from those dd with ultra rich parents. DD2 left after y11. Huge mistake - should have gone after y8. It doesn’t get better! The overseas girls have always formed cliques but with only 4 Chinese girls in DD1s year, they all got on and DD visited one friend in China. Still friends now. DD2 had the experience you describe. In DD2’s year, 33 remained in the 6th form out of 66, so we weren’t alone with disliking the ethos and favouritism.

So: what to do. Some left for St Albans girls. Some went to other boarding schools. Some went to day schools in London. DD2 went to another boarding school with better art. Berko still seems popular. St Chris’s is marmite and definitely would not have been suitable for us.

Would you consider boarding? You would get far more choice and you could look further afield.

My DD is due to be starting secondary next year, so my only experience is of researching and looking round schools.

We’ve been impressed with what we saw of St Margaret’s in Bushey. As above, Westbrook Hay is probably worth looking at though I don’t know it at all.

Aldenham has a bit of a mixed reputation but I think it has quite a London crowd which you’re looking to avoid.

St Columbas in St Albans? Just had a terrible ISI report, and I’ve a friend who was very unhappy with the Prep.

I would say do careful research into pupil numbers at schools - some are under real pressure due to VAT etc and there are one or two (not ones I’ve named) I personally think won’t last more than a couple more years as they are so below capacity. Obviously as your daughter is approaching the GCSE years you really need stability.

Good luck!

Do you usually respond to threads you know nothing about by saying rudely that you know nothing about them?

That must be a full time job for you, no wonder you’re up in the small hours!

PS - the thing about being a smartarse is that you have to be smart, and not just an arse.

HTH.

Nigel, the OP is really worried about her DD, and you replied rudely and unhelpfully. Why would you do that?

OP I’ve seen DDs move for these reasons, and it can help, but if she does have people to spend time with at school who are pleasant, how much does it matter that they don’t include her outside school? Not everyone has a best friend or is part of one friendship group, some people are happy to be on the fringes of several groups and dip in as they like. Another option is to find friendship groups through weekend / evening sports or music or drama, rather than moving school.

Queens wood is a school in Hertfordshire. If you don’t know where a school is there is no need to be rude. There was a thread this week about Mill Hill School which generally wasn’t very complimentary. The Pastoral Care is very good at Habs Girls but no one can make girls be friendly to each other. Cliques are common in all girls schools. Aldenham is very caring but not so academic.