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Original poster

Good school but child is a minority

145 replies

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 10:25

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Blueberryme · 19/10/2025 11:29

Absolutely move her - her MH is also important and being excluded and friendless is horrendous for anyone, let alone a teen.

My DS is in y6 and has always had lots of Asian Muslim friends but like your DD has found, the friendship stops at the school gate. Play dates are a no no and when the kids have asked their DM if they can come to ours, or DS comes to theirs, there’s always an excuse.

We have been looking at secondary schools and having a broad ethnic mix is essential for us because DS has been so lonely outside of school because his friends are not allowed to play with him (although they’ve always come to his birthday parties).

Weetwood · 19/10/2025 11:29

Maybe make sure she thinks about how to explain to her new classmates why she’s moving before she starts eg because her friends weren’t able to socialise outside school. So she doesn’t inadvertently give the impression that she moved because she didn’t like the other kids. Just because sometimes kids can be harsh and miss the nuances of things.
which school you go to doesn’t generally affect grades as much as parental support so sounds like she’d be happier and therefore do better if she moves. Really sad though to hear about the situation at her current school, I’d write to someone, headteacher plus? after she’s moved. Head of academy chain or local authority, maybe ofsted not sure if that’s their role.

I remember the feeling that I was assumed not to have any culture because almost everyone else in my class had interesting traditions from other places, I’m all for celebrating diversity and recognise that I have white privilege in many situations, but it doesn’t help address racism by assuming English people don’t have traditions and to try to make individual children feel like racism is their fault in general. And the teacher making jokes in Urdu and not explaining them so everyone is included is really out of order and should absolutely be reported.

Squidgemoon · 19/10/2025 11:24

I’ve decided against my DS applying for our local super selective grammar for this reason. It’s 84% non-white (almost all South Asian). I would move her.

londongirl12 · 19/10/2025 11:21

even if the current school is better academic wise, your DD being miserable is likely to affect her grades anyway. I’d move her if it’s got bad enough she’s asking to.

anonymoususer9876 · 19/10/2025 11:20

Have you approached the school about this at all? @Eudaimonia11

PflumPfeffer · 19/10/2025 11:17

My kids are in the minority at their school (non UK). The school has policies (such as speaking the language of instruction only, with immediate detentions for speaking other languages) that make it work. Your school sounds thoughtless and I’d move your DD. Social skills are so important to develop at this age and she can’t if she can’t make friends! Social skills are how she will likely get ahead in her future career.

Naturalmama11 · 19/10/2025 11:14

I’m south Asian and I went to a school that was largely black and Muslim. People stuck to their racial groups at school and it was horrible. I was also the wrong type of south Asian in my friendship group and I have maybe 2 friends from secondary school. All the white children were horrendously bullied. Please move her as soon as you can. Inform the school about jokes being made in other languages and explain how exclusionary the culture of the school is. If you have the energy inform the governors. It’s great your child is so open about her experiences with you. She clearly feels safe enough to express her feelings.

tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2025 11:13

If she wants to move then let her move. Where did her friends from primary go?

Betterbelieveit · 19/10/2025 11:12

Definitely move her!!!

CoconutGrove · 19/10/2025 11:08

Incidents of racism are supposed to be reported to the local authority and recorded by them aren't they?

FKAT · 19/10/2025 11:06

I also please urge anyone whose kid experiences racism at school to report to Ofsted.

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 11:01

@WinterCarlisle Thanks for this, yes, I’m moving her! Sorry to hear about your son’s experience but I’m glad he’s doing well now and can put it behind him.

I’m going to contact the new school on Monday to see if they have any places and if we can arrange to visit.

OP posts:
WinterCarlisle · 19/10/2025 10:54

I moved my child for similar reasons - he was one of the only non white children in his year group. Again, amazing GCSE results but he was on the receiving end of racist abuse and the school did bugger all. I moved him to a far more diverse school and he’s thriving. I’d move your daughter ASAP and like another poster said, tell the school WHY. It sounds terrible.

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 10:53

You’re all saying exactly what I’ve been thinking. Of course the school gets great results, if you’re Muslim religion/culture and surrounded by other people from the same background where you feel like you fit in, then it’s a marvellous school and you’re bound to do well.

DD is quite bright anyway so even if she went to a school with crap results, she’ll do alright.

OP posts:
menopausalmare · 19/10/2025 10:49

Move her. She sounds lonely.

BlueMoonIceCream · 19/10/2025 10:39

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 10:25

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

Many grammar schools have ethnic distribution like that with dominance of South Asian kids.

That is I believe there are so much more important factors than academic results when it comes to decision about school. The fit is very important. I would move her. She cannot feel isolated for many years

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 10:34

Thank you! My instinct says to move her, I hate seeing her miserable. I’m a single parent so the weight of the world is always on my shoulders. I worry so much about making wrong decisions because it’s all on me.

OP posts:
FKAT · 19/10/2025 10:31

DD is begging me to let her move schools.

That's all you need to know. It does not sound in any way shape or form like a good school. It gets good GCSE results because of the cohort that go there not because of the interventions it makes. No child who is friendless, unhappy and doesn't want to attend school will get good GCSEs.

twistytwin · 19/10/2025 10:29

God I would move her straightaway if the other school has places. Why would you even hesitate? It sounds awful for her.

notatinydancer · 19/10/2025 10:29

I’d absolutely move her as soon as possible. Make sure you tell the school why.l , also inform them jokes are being made in another language.

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