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Original poster

Good school but child is a minority

145 replies

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 10:25

This is so bloody awkward! Please be kind.

DD is in Year 9 at the best school where we live, it has great GCSE results and it’s quite a well sought after school. The problem is she’s the only white kid in her classes and one of only about 5 white kids in the whole year.

She has friends at school but doesn’t feel like she fits in - the school is predominantly Muslim and we’re not. She feels so lonely outside of school as none of her friends are allowed to socialise. She’s started army cadets which has definitely helped but she still feels lonely and wants mates to just hang out with at weekends.

I went to a secondary school that was pretty much 50/50 white and Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Most of my Asian mates couldn’t hang out outside of school but I did have two friends who were allowed out and we’d walk around the shops on a Saturday afternoon or I’d go to their house (they weren’t allowed to come to mine). It was nowhere near as bad as it is for DD.

Her school have a “Culture Day” once a term which is approx every 6 weeks where DD says she feels excluded and is made to feel bad about being English. She says every single time, she gets comments from people making fun of her for having no culture. Instead of the well-intentioned day being about celebrating diversity, it seems to be a day where DD feels like crap.

There is a teacher who makes jokes in Urdu each lesson (not about DD!) and that makes her feel more excluded. I experienced the same at primary school when I was the only white kid in the class, I remember how much it used to upset me but I didn’t tell anyone. Mr Hussein, you were horrible!

DD did have a school friend who she would go out at weekends with but she’s moved quite far away so they’ve lost touch.

DD is begging me to let her move schools. She’d have to travel by bus to get to the nearest school that is more mixed and that school isn’t as good.

I don’t want her GCSEs to be affected just for the sake of her having friends that don’t ridicule her for being English. I’m also worried about her starting a new school where she doesn’t know anyone halfway through Year 9. What if she gets bullied? What if it’s worse than where she is now?

But I can see how much this is all affecting her. She’s gone from enjoying school in Year 7 to hating it in Year 9.

What should I do?

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 19/10/2025 17:36

I was born and raised in England I'm English but I'm also not white, you can be English and not white OP

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:36

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:34

@bemoresloth how did you not understand what I said? I’m not sure how I can make it clearer. Kids who were born and raised in England going to schools in England feeling like they don’t fit in and like they aren’t welcome at those schools in England because they are English. I’m not saying it’s fine for other kids to experience racism if that’s what you were getting at?

She’s having a go at you inferring that the South Asian children aren’t indeed ‘English’.

BeatrizBoniface · 19/10/2025 17:34

Could somebody please explain what each person means or thinks they mean?
I am genuinely confused......

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:34

@bemoresloth how did you not understand what I said? I’m not sure how I can make it clearer. Kids who were born and raised in England going to schools in England feeling like they don’t fit in and like they aren’t welcome at those schools in England because they are English. I’m not saying it’s fine for other kids to experience racism if that’s what you were getting at?

OP posts:
flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:33

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:31

What does she mean?

Show quote history

You know what she means.

Are some groups not allowed a descriptor for themselves? If so, which groups are? And aren’t?

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:31

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:30

What do you think she means? We all know what she means.

Show quote history

What does she mean?

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:30

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:29

Why?

OP specifically mentions English kids.

Show quote history

What do you think she means? We all know what she means.

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:29

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:27

Don’t be goady.

Show quote history

Why?

OP specifically mentions English kids.

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:27

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:24

What do you mean with English kids?

Show quote history

Don’t be goady.

bemoresloth · 19/10/2025 17:24

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:10

I’m saddened to hear so many of you have had similar experiences. It’s not right that English kids are made to feel unwelcome at schools in England! It obviously also wouldn’t be right if this happened in any other country.

Why is my daughter having to change schools where she’ll have to travel by bus (that I’ll have to pay for) when there’s a school nearby? It’s absolutely ridiculous. But yes, I don’t really have much choice, my daughter's happiness and wellbeing comes first.

I’ll be honest with the school about why she’s leaving. I haven’t raised it with school before because I felt awkward as a privileged white person complaining about racism. I think I should probably have got over myself and said something before. Racism is never ok.

All schools should be mixed, how can we ever properly integrate if schools are all Asian, all white, all whatever? But I have no idea how it can be resolved without being discriminatory - we can’t allocate school places based on ethnicity. That just sounds wrong.

What do you mean with English kids?

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:24

Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:21

@flynnpink from what I can gather from my own experience as a kid, it seems to be that the children’s parents are worried that religious dietary restrictions won’t be followed - things like accidentally giving a Muslim kid Haribo sweets not realising they contain gelatin which is haram.

And for older kids, it’s around concerns about their child being introduced to things they don’t agree with - opposite sex friendships/relationships, alcohol, etc.

So it’s an issue of trust then.

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:23

@hmnj Long day? Read lines 7/8 of the OP

OP posts:
StrongLikeMamma · 19/10/2025 17:23

Move her op. Definitely the right decision here. kids will do well when they feel happy .

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:21

@flynnpink from what I can gather from my own experience as a kid, it seems to be that the children’s parents are worried that religious dietary restrictions won’t be followed - things like accidentally giving a Muslim kid Haribo sweets not realising they contain gelatin which is haram.

And for older kids, it’s around concerns about their child being introduced to things they don’t agree with - opposite sex friendships/relationships, alcohol, etc.

OP posts:
flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:18

hmnj · 19/10/2025 17:17

The GCSE results are great because the kids aren't allowed to go and hang around the streets aimlessly all the time. I wouldn't say that's a coincidence. I would want to stay at this school. Very difficult situation.

She might not find friends at a new school, if she did she might be too far away to hang out with them - and most importantly, her GCSEs will suffer.

Can you afford to get a tutor for any subjects that are not up to scratch in the other school?

If she does fit in on a day to day basis, I would feel so conflicted in removing her.

She clearly doesn’t fit in on a day to day basis. Did you read the op?

hmnj · 19/10/2025 17:17

The GCSE results are great because the kids aren't allowed to go and hang around the streets aimlessly all the time. I wouldn't say that's a coincidence. I would want to stay at this school. Very difficult situation.

She might not find friends at a new school, if she did she might be too far away to hang out with them - and most importantly, her GCSEs will suffer.

Can you afford to get a tutor for any subjects that are not up to scratch in the other school?

If she does fit in on a day to day basis, I would feel so conflicted in removing her.

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:16

What’s the issue with play dates by the way?

flynnpink · 19/10/2025 17:13

Squidgemoon · 19/10/2025 11:24

I’ve decided against my DS applying for our local super selective grammar for this reason. It’s 84% non-white (almost all South Asian). I would move her.

Where is this?

Original poster
Eudaimonia11 · 19/10/2025 17:10

I’m saddened to hear so many of you have had similar experiences. It’s not right that English kids are made to feel unwelcome at schools in England! It obviously also wouldn’t be right if this happened in any other country.

Why is my daughter having to change schools where she’ll have to travel by bus (that I’ll have to pay for) when there’s a school nearby? It’s absolutely ridiculous. But yes, I don’t really have much choice, my daughter's happiness and wellbeing comes first.

I’ll be honest with the school about why she’s leaving. I haven’t raised it with school before because I felt awkward as a privileged white person complaining about racism. I think I should probably have got over myself and said something before. Racism is never ok.

All schools should be mixed, how can we ever properly integrate if schools are all Asian, all white, all whatever? But I have no idea how it can be resolved without being discriminatory - we can’t allocate school places based on ethnicity. That just sounds wrong.

OP posts:
Jack2025 · 19/10/2025 13:22

Move your daughter to another school as soon as you can…
My friends daughter, E, was the only white child in her class at primary school. Playdates and birthday parties were a rare occurrence - E felt very ostracised and this carried on into secondary school… she doesn’t have fond memories at all…

TempsPerdu · 19/10/2025 12:30

Not much more to add to pps really, other than another vote to move her as soon as you can. We have decided against tutoring DD for our local super selective (as have an increasing number of families we’ve spoken to) for similar reasons.

Weetwood · 19/10/2025 12:21

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/61b73d6c8fa8f50384489c9a/Teachers__Standards_Dec_2021.pdf

Teacher standards p14 on personal and and professional conduct, I’d quote these to the headteacher as I think it’s clear jokes in a language most but not all the class can be expected to understand, clearly contravene these. I would do it after she has left, you don’t want to make it worse for her while she’s there.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/61b73d6c8fa8f50384489c9a/Teachers__Standards_Dec_2021.pdf

Irritatedandsad · 19/10/2025 11:33

I would move her.
Presumably the asian families have chosen that school for their kids becuase it is predominantly asian and fits in with their culture and values and their kids will feel comfortable there.
I don't see any reason why your child can't have the same experience at a school more aligned with her background.
It is a natural fact that people congregate with others that share their culture and values. You can see in areas where there are pockets of specific cultures. Its just a fact.
It's nice to be able to have friends of different cultures and races and undwrstand but ultimately we all want to feel like we belong to a group.
If you go to spain or thailand, or any other country the ex pats will form communities based on their home countries.
I moved school end of year 8, it was fine. My lifelong friends are from the school I moved to. Still besties 20 years on. She will make friends.

niclw · 19/10/2025 11:32

Move your daughter. But send an email to the headteacher today to report the teacher make jokes in Urdu. This is discriminatory behaviour and is only teaching the other students that it is ok to behave in this way. Also report any incidents of racist behaviour towards your daughter. Each bit of information the school is provided with can build up evidence for future incidents in the school even after your daughter has left. It sounds like the current school is toxic. I hope that the other school has a place available for your daughter. Some areas of the country keep a list with local councils online that you can access at any time so it might be worth looking today. It can be a few weeks out of date but might give you an idea. Unfortunately where I live, this is not available.

Sequinsoneverythingplease · 19/10/2025 11:30

This was the same for my dd. For various reasons I couldn’t move her though and it was actually otherwise an excellent school. Early bullying issues were stamped on and they adhered meticulously to her EHCP so we had to weigh up the pros and cons - she ended up achieving very well on her GCSES and BTECS - more than we ever thought possible. However she didn’t make a single friend the whole time and in the end was one of only three white students across the entire two years of sixth form.

This is an increasing issue especially in the inner cities.

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