Struggling with secondary transition - advice please

I was in this hell 2 years ago with my eldest daughter. We actually got to the point of school refusal off and on until Christmas. It was a shock as she had loved primary school - maybe that was part of the problem. She found the secondary lessons boring and missed the playtimes. She did very long days (8-5.30) but had done the same in her prep school and was fine.

it does gradually get better. We found that each half term was better than the last. Please convince him to get the form tutor involved as they can do a lot to make things easier - they made the other teachers aware that DD was struggling and everyone was so kind. No one told her off if she forgot anything, matron took her under her wing and she was allowed to leave a lesson if she felt anxious. At home, we planned something nice to look forward to every night - a nice dinner or pudding, a film, a series, popcorn, a game etc. it was exhausting for me but it really helped. Plan something a bit more special at the weekends. Sit with them to help them with homework and give them support. I found I had to be on top of everything - checking her email and homework diary etc.

She is now Year 9 and loves school.- in fact, she’s been there until 9pm every night this week with various rehearsals. She occasionally sleeps there with some of her friends that board. She has the odd anxiety wobble during exam time but copes with the support of the school. I never thought we would get here.

It will get easier x

This sounds like one of those areas where a parent really wants to help but it's unclear what to do.

The step from primary to secondary is a big step and it's natural for there to be some struggles with the adjustment period.

You say he only had one friend from his primary join this school with him? I'd say that would make it more stressful than if he had a whole group of friends. In most lessons he might not know anyone. So that could be one element.

Also it's very early, we are only 3 weeks in to the new year. Hopefully some of these issues will settle down as he becomes more settled into a routine and the 'newness' and disorientation fades away.

It's also very physically challenging to move from 6 weeks summer holidays into a new high school routine with longer days. My son was exhausted during the first 2 weekends and he just needed some downtime to chill.

So the only thing I can suggest is maybe easing the physical strain by letting him have chill time on the sofa with a movie or two. Long lie in on the weekends too.

If he's having trouble sleeping that will make him even more tired the next day. Try some 'sleep hygiene' techniques and maybe some relaxing music to help him sleep.

Good luck

I wouldn't rule out neurodiversity. My son (now year 10) really struggled with the secondary transition having been absolutely fine at primary - no concerns at all, either socially or academically. The secondary school were hugely supportive and we worked really hard to help him but long story short he has been unable to attend full time or go into a classroom since the Easter of year 7. He was diagnosed autistic in April - he himself asked to be assessed.
This may not be the case for your son but I wouldn't rule it out completely.

It’s gets easier op!

I have a year 9 and a year 7. The year 7 is finding it SO overwhelming, moving classes, making friends, lunch time, homework, charging laptops etc.

But I promise it does get easier. My year 9 is settled, probably took him at least a term to feel confident.

Just keep doing what you are doing, reminding him and helping he and he will settle.

It can sometimes feel like your child is the only one not settled, but I promise that’s not the case. People will say they’ve settled well if you ask but lots of year 7s have teething problems

That’s a very long day.

Ds was 9:30
Dd was 9:30 to 3:30 with a short lunch

I wouldn't let my DS cycle in the situation OP describes, at his age with hairy roads and big hills, heavy bag and already having panic attacks. It's the last thing I'd want him to do going into winter, especially if the parents can manage the lifts in the morning between them, which it sounds like they can most days. I get some people love cycling, but he's not a grown up used to such commutes and it could be the straw that breaks him at this point. Agree OP is sensible to consider it later, like the other local kid, when he's older and way past this hump.

I'd definitely give more thought to cycling. I get what you're saying about the hill and the roads, but when the weather is okay it's the difference between a 40 minute walk and a 10 minute cycle for me. That's just such a massive difference that it would probably be worth the time investment. He could always walk up the hill, and you could make sure he had a bike with a lot of gears.

Secondary school is tiring and if the lessons don't stretch you (mine didn't) it feels like a waste of time because you feel like you could easily squeeze it into maybe 3 days instead.

In terms of homework, I sometimes used to be allowed to just do the homework in class if I finished everything in the lesson. That meant I kept a bit more free time. Would that be an option that would help him? I don't know if it would be possible but it's worth thinking about.

I used to leave before 8am as a teenager and not get back til 4:30 which did feel like a fairly long day. I often used to nab a lift with my dad in the mornings - it meant I left at the same time as I would to walk to the bus stop but I gained 30-40 minutes which I could use to do my homework which I found a lot easier than trying to do it after school. Would that help/be an option? Or do they have a library where he could stay after school and get it out the way? Not having it looming over him might help a lot.

This obsession with time is often related to ADHD. My adhd sis similar.

Scaffolding is a great way to describe what you need, I think.
My ds is now y8, granted he does have adhd but y7 came as a big shock compared to the very easy ride he got at primary.

For the moment, I would take responsibility for everything that you possibly can.
Then gradually let him take bits back. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of that already, but make sure you know every aspect. What books he needs each day, leave the rest at home. Same with PE kit, food tech items, everything. Lay out the uniform ready. Have preferred snacks ready for when he gets home. If you can work out the lift situation I would do that.

Have treats to reward getting the homework done, in our case it could all be left to the weekend and I would sit there with a tube of Pringles and ‘feed’ ds like a baby bird after each maths question. I know it sounds stupid but it made him laugh, I could reassure and support, and it just made it a bit gentler on him. Now he can sit and do the work himself, and he gets a treat at the end, but it took time. Academically he was more than capable, but getting around the large school site was a real challenge for him. Obviously over time that improved and he then had headspace for more.

The other thing which helped, and which I had to realise for myself, was that I was reassuring in the wrong way. I would try to jolly him along, tell him it would get better, that he was brilliant and he would cope, that he still had loads of time to do other stuff - just like you’ve described. It didn’t help. It made ds feel even more like he was ‘failing’ at y7. Instead I switched to just sympathising. Yes ds, you do have a long day. Yes, that’s quite a lot of homework. Yes, the weather is properly rubbish today. Come and have a hug and go play Roblox now. Here’s a snack, dinner will be at 6. Sometimes we would all sit and have a whinge together about whatever was bothering us! It took the pressure off. Maybe approaching it like that would help. His feelings are valid, the start of y7 is hard. You and I know it will get easier, given time.

Good luck x

My kids school finishes at 2.45! Then there's various extra curricular stuff until 4pm or 5pm. So 4pm seems very late... do they have a long lunch break? And is there time for homework at lunch.

It is a late finish but time wise my son coped better when he went to a school that started at 9.00am and finished at 4.00pm than he did at the next school he went to that started at 8.40am and finished at 3.20pm.

What is the start time of his school?

We can perhaps do more to cover the lifts so he doesn’t have to walk - hubby could do more to juggle his WFH days as he keeps deciding to WFH on days I’m here which doesn’t make sense (I have to plan mine in advance).

Sounds like a good idea for this term and when the mornings are darker and colder. It can really help to have the comfort of that time in the car together rather than the dread already building alone on a less pleasant commute.

To be honest it sounds like he is reacting to a big change in fairly normal way. It doesn't mean he can't cope with secondary, but it is a big different thing, and it takes time to adjust. I think his day is very long, my son in year 8 finishes at 3 and is home by 3.30 at the latest but often more like 3.15-3.20. You can't help this necessarily if that is the better school for him or the one he got into, but maybe he needs a little more time to adjust to his new schedule.

I would go with scaffolding him, ask him what you can do to help him? Would you be able to sit with him whilst he does his homework to guide him? My children's secondary had a brilliant year 7 evening talking children through the expected time to spend on homework and what good sources look like and how many you should be looking at if researching. They said if you spent X amount of time and didn't finish, come and talk to us so we can try to fix what is going wrong. That can mean attending homework club which lots of students found helpful. However, this did mean doing it the day they got it so it wasn't due in the day after. I am not saying incomplete homework is the way to go.

What food would he love to find in the cupboard or fridge when he comes in as they are usually ravenous.

I would relax a little bit on the screen time, it is how children play together and chat over headphones. I caveat this with only as long as you are in ear shot so you can hear what he is saying and can see what is on the screen. It is also what they talk about to their friends.

I know he is doing the woe me routine, but acknowledge it, agree with him, tell him it is shitty but he gets 13 weeks of holiday. Every year 7 child is doing the same as him, adjusting, feeling overwhelmed. Mine strive on routine so I implemented a post school routine. That included a homework time slot but they knew that ended at a set time so they were done with it for the night.

How about getting him a bike to reduce the commute? It would also give him freedom and exercise (can appreciate the roads may not be suitable).

Are all his friends getting home much earlier than him then? That probably rankles, especially if they're all getting home and playing Roblox together or something and he is missing out.

Could you do a timetable for the evenings with him e.g.
4:45pm - snack
5pm - read/TV
5:30pm - homework 1
He might not stick to it but it would help him quantity things. I often feel stressed by tasks that need doing that actually only take 20 mins or so, so realising I can fit in more than I thought helps.
Time can disappear when watching TV. It makes sense he wants to decompress, but if he is feeling a bit like he has wasted/lost time, could you help him plan a bit more? A board game or seeing a friend or a bike ride, whatever interests him.

Can you also make him checklists for his bag? You could do this together for each day and stick it in his planner or something, to help him feel organised.

Thanks for explaining. If it’s got that long day and longer commute plus a fair amount of homework already then it will take an adjustment and will feel like a slog to him until he’s used to it. I was relieved our secondary gave very little homework to start with as that helped ease them in and its not had any detriment on academic performance, but some schools are more intense and that’s what some people want from them - my friend’s DS at private school left at 7am and didn’t get home till 5pm with hours of homework to do and it felt like that’s what parents were paying for.

I think it’s just tough when they’re still so young and that end of prep age makes more sense when they’re move up at 13 rather than 11 as they’re so much more able to cope by then. However as this is happening now and you’ve chosen the school for good reasons and don’t sound like it’s bad enough to change schools, then I’d just try to make it easier if at all poss. Is there any way he can get more lifts? Winter is going to be grim going in all on his own either on foot or the bus. It helps a lot to have someone with you at the start/end of the day so if there’s any way you can take him I would. At least until he’s adjusted to the rest of it. If that’s not possible then can he stay up a bit later - lights out at 10 maybe? So he’s not feeling like it’s a swizz, that he’s old enough to do this longer school day but still on primary bed times. Anything that would help soften the bad deal feeling so there’s some upside to it. And try to give him some things to look forward to. I remember when I started full-time work and had that seem feeling of doom that this was all my life would be now. It’s the sense your life’s not your own as much as anything so small things to give some autonomy help. Hang in there and it’ll be half-term before too long.

I have a daughter in year 7 and this is exactly what I was / am worried about for her. She’s likely neurodiverse and I have heard secondary school is when the wheels can fall off. The main issue we have is that she has very poor executive function skills so struggles with the whole packing her bag, remembering the right stationery kit, PE kit, books etc. she was really anxious about finding her way around the school and getting lost. She has a shorter school day but a similar journey.
she actually said to me the other day “my whole life is aboit me starting secondary school now”and I worry her life has shrunk a bit as she has never been one for group activates but had a few long standing hobbies that she’s now stopped as they were all tied to her primary school. We’ve also been flexible with screen time (starting to bring back some more structure so she has time for homework etc) but she seems to be exhausted and needs a lot of chill time (and sleep).
im also doing a lot fo organise her and get her up and out - which is exhausting for me but really hoping will come in time!
no real suggestion but it’s a tough time and I hope things feel better soon for your son. I’ve just tried to take all pressure off as much as possible and be supportive of her worries and just hope things gradually settle down.

You sound like a really nice mum 💛