My daughter is terrified to go to big school

I would recommend magnesium to help with her anxiety. Perhaps get her some blood tests as well yo ensure everything else id in order,

This is the one I give my daughter.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0DPJCCSZ3?ref=nb_sb_ss_w_as-reorder-mobile_k0_1_3&amp=&crid=2IO60UXZG7RN7&amp=&sprefix=mag

I think her anxiety about the shoes is that she is trying to fit in and doesnt want to stand out. She can stand out by not having a phone. When friends are planning meet ups she may get forgotten as they can’t contact her. I think you will make her world harder by not having one. You can restrict the phone use by using Norton etc. If her anxiety is bad it may help if she can contact you.

So parents in the 90s were lazy and neglectful, then?

Get her a brick.

Isn't she meeting her friends through summer anyway and planning who she'll walk with etc?

She's 11, she doesn't need to try on the uniform like a 5 yr old. Just don't make a deal of it. Don't call it "Big School".

A major factor in children's anxiety is hovering over protective parents who shield their DC from all risks. Send her off to call for friends and walk to local cafes/library/swimming, encourage independence

It sounds like you haven't accepted she is growing up - i assumed you were talking about a 4/5 year old who was scared to go from nursery to primary. I hope you are not referring to play dates when you make arrangements you will make her a target for teasing or bullying.
By your daughters age most kids are using their phone to make their own social arrangements, sending pics of their shoes, bags etc. She is going to struggle to fit in if she doesn't have a phone to message on

Agree I have a 12 year old and I check his phone every day, he hardly uses it other than to phone his friends to ask them to come round or go out. He has a WhatsApp group with his closest friends where they share stupid videos (like old school You’ve Been Framed style) or occasional Roblox chatter.

I made sure that he spent lots of time with friends the summer before he moved up to Highschool and they sorted meeting on the first morning by themselves.

I think people are right and you need to stop infantilising your DD, it does her no favours in the long run.

Speaking as a teacher, I hope everything goes well for your daughter. I realise from what you've said that your daughter is anxious about starting her new school. Would you consider talking to her about looking out for other girls who appear to be anxious or alone on the first or second day? Would she have the courage to approach just one of them and help them to have a better day? That's sometimes how solid friendships are made. I wish her (and you) happiness for this new chapter.

Phone use by pupils is banned in all schools in Nova Scotia, Canada, where I live. We are lucky that there are lots of kids in my neighbourhood that my kids hang out with outside school and my son contacts others through Kids Messenger on his tablet which he has at home.

I totally agree with this. It's sound, sensible advice.

I can understand your reasoning for the phone thing as you hear so many horror stories but there is a middle ground.

My kids had a phone for their 11th birthday. They soon both came off of WhatsApp making that decision for themselves as it was full of drivel and kids being silly. As they were year 6, I knew all that f the parents so I could have a discreet word if things got out of hand. Very good practice for year 7.

Both of mine are mid teens now and only have WhatsApp. No other social media. That was a good compromise.

Don't make your daughter be the odd one out on something that can be easily fixed and will cause less anxiety.

Our rule was that for the privilege of having a phone I was, and still am, allowed to check it at any time I like. They are good with that and we've had no problems.

Definitely stop using phrases like "big school" and "playdate" she's not 5. Everyone will be nervous but I would reconsider the phone thing as a) its an easy point of bullying b) she will feel left out as kids make plans via message (I don't think I have spoken to anyone parents of children at secondary school) and c) they will probably use class charts or a similar app for homework and communication.

Also we have noticed the dc that were denied a phone earlier and the learning experience managing comms etc. They were the same kids when they finally got a phone that became completely hooked on them! Children need to be guided to use them safely and carefully with boundaries. It’s really sad to see children never invited to anything because they don’t have access to the chats the other dc are included in. Quite frankly just asking to be left out.

Most secondary schools have extra settling days for children who had additional needs, and social needs. I would be contacting the school and seeing if they can advise.
My children have a special sim card called "parentshield". Look it up its brilliant. What i would say is my daughters secondary school do all their homework on line, so unless you have a lap top etc your child will struggle to do the homework if she doesn't have a phone. Also she won't be able to go to her friends house to do homework, so may well feel left out.

Have a look at this phone designed for kids, with really strong parental access and management from your own phone. She can be on WA without strangers being able to contact her, for 3xample.

Spot on.
And she must have a phone. Doesn't have to a be a smart phone.
I teach state Y6 and by the summer term, all the kids have one.
Get used to not knowing other children's parents. Good luck.

Do not be that mother that allows her to be socially isolated without a phone. She really will struggle socially as the children chat to each other all of the time and make plans etc. I have seen so many dc become isolated due to parents prioritising what they want rather than what is best for the child.

Very interested by on here re phones - would be interested to know the age of the kids whose parents are saying phone is a 'must' for y7.

My experience is there has been a fast, noticeable, shift in the last 2 years away from kids having phones in y7&8, and lots of schools now banning them entirely until sixth form.

If you choose to not give your daughter a phone OP I very much doubt she will be alone

Buy her a phone and the same shoes as the others asap.
She is feeding off your anxiety.

Agree, I thought we were talking about a preschooler until I reached the second paragraph.

I would review the decision about the phone - shes absolutely right she will be the odd one out - and will miss out on arrangements. How will her friends contact her? Because it won’t be through you. You will be isolating her.

Wrong shoes and bag - maybe important, you need to listen to her and adjust things if you can.

She is going to secondary school not big school, and you won’t be arranging play dates - once she had found her group of friends she will be arranging for people to come over or to go to the park.

Acknowledge her fears, work with her where you can help - and keep lines of communication open.

Get her a phone! She will be really left out and bullied without it!
you can set up parental control, check all the messages etc so you can still make sure she is safe on line.
but honestly I would be anxious too if I had to start in a new place and know I will be different from everybody else as my family won’t get me a phone for 2 years based on some kind of crazy rule

I think you may need to be self reflective and think how you might be transferring your own anxiety onto her. You refer to 'big school' and 'play dates' and so maybe you are struggling to accept that she is getting older and letting go.
It is a huge step for everyone no doubt.

I would get her the shoes she wants and a basic phone so she feels like she fits in from day one.

I’d get her a phone. She almost certainly won’t be allowed to use it at school, but she will need it to communicate with friends and make arrangements! Even checking things like when did Miss say the science homework is due in!

Perhaps she uses the house phone to ring her friends on their mobile phones? She doesn’t need a mobile phone to keep in touch with friends. My daughter did have a mobile phone when she started secondary school because she had a journey of over an hour each way so I wanted her to be able to contact me easily if she had transport problems, but I wouldn’t have lwt her take a phone to school if she had lived close by.

Most schools don't allow phones in school now.

Its lazy parenting to not be able to contact your children when they are out with friends and for them not to be able to call you if they need you when theyre out! Neglectful parenting