My daughter is terrified to go to big school

Genuine question, are all your schools really close or are you not worried if they have longer journeys?

I'm in Scotland so the catchment is big but we've already had a bus breakdown and not turn up for them. I'd already gone to work so I'd have been getting the text to say he hadn't registered and not know why.

Didn't need or want a phone in primary but there are no longer phone boxes. The buses go to different places and several new kids seem to manage to get on the wrong one every year so they can end up miles away.

you could have a look and see if there are any initiatives by the school or groups of parents for Smartphone free childhood? I think all the comments saying she must have a phone are very sad. And so many saying ‘get one or it’s social suicide!’ - if more parents said no this wouldn’t be the case and they’d all have to learn the social skills the normal way. This way those with the phones aren’t learning the skills and neither are the ones who’ve ’committed social suicide’ as they’ll be bullied if these posts are to go by.
If I was you op I would look for groups of parents who also are saying no to phones within the school. I’d probably have done this before applying to be honest and found out how much they allow phones at school..
I think shoes and stationery you should let her choose - these are small personal details which can bring a bit of joy amongst the monotony of the rest of the school prep stuff. Agree stop calling it Big School and drop the words play dates..! Are there activities/ sports she wants to do? Find out about those asap so she has a chance to meet friends there aswell. Xx

Reading the first few pages of this thread, I am pleased that my DS will not be going to senior school until Year 9, at which point we will give way to getting him a phone. He is going into Year 7 this year and certainly will NOT be getting a phone, but then I am not aware that any of his friends have them. I guess we are pretty old-fashioned and playdates (we call them that) are still organised by parents. At school they all have very (very) basic tablets which are able to access school or home wifi for homework but have no direct internet access, and the school firewall prevents any non-school apps being downloaded.

Get her a phone

First thing my son was asked to do on starting secondary last week was to take out his phone and photograph his timetable.

They can also pre order lunch on it through an app to avoid the chaos of the queue.

He has only just got his friend's numbers and is not interested in joining any of the big what's app groups.

School is 15 miles away. Realistically he needs to be able to contact me.

Perhaps it might make your daughter feel more reassured to know she can call if the school bus doesn't turn up etc.

Will she somehow magically be ready at 13 for one? In some ways it's better to get it done now with limited use and strict checks rather than make her obsessed with getting one and waiting til she's a teenager with greater knowledge of how to buy pass your controls.

@BUMCHEESE Feelings do come into this though. Also what is happening to her regarding friends. If everyone communicates via a phone, you are disadvantaged and left out by not having one. Great if that doesn’t happen and dc knock on your door or include you in plans made at school, but it’s not like this for every child and they are on the periphery of social arrangements.

Plus this DD is apparently bullied. This might be because she’s very controlled by parents and not allowed to do what others do and cannot make her own plans via a phone. In the overall situation, a basic phone could work for her as long as she understands bullying can come via a phone too.

My view is that friendships are vital and she needs skills to seek out like minded dc now she’s moving on to secondary. The fact some dc thrive without a phone is irrelevant if this DD feels she’s excluded because she’s not got one. Or getting one for 2 years.

I despair at all the 'she must have a phone' messages too.
However, I wrote one of them! That's the situation we are in, and as much as you are right that it's a shame we as a country are in this situation, the truth is that any child starting secondary in 2025 without a phone is at risk of social exclusion/isolation. Not even nefariously- they just won't know what's going on.

Also no phone is social suicide tbh I'm not surprised she is anxious about that. With parental control and safety talks a phone for senior school isn't unreasonable

Hypnotherapy and breathwork before its school anxiety based/refusal/phobia and you have a huge battle on your hands. Some on YouTube if you can't afford a therapist

Get her an iPhone.
School is hard enough without parents who mean well, unintentionally socially isolating their children.
Kids will find any reason to bully, but equally try not to be the reason they have one.

I read that twice assuming it must be a Nursery child going to Reception!
Had she had any input on her choice of shoes? It sounds like she desperately wants to fit in and feels she won't.
What's the plan for day 1, who is she walking with? Have you practiced the route?
Lead by example, tell her anxiety is normal but it's ok to sit with those feelings, don't pander to them.
Are you ready for her to embrace this next stage?

Don't set your daughter up to be different by not allowing her a phone. The desire to fit in is strong at that age and you setting some arbitrary age for her to have a mobile seems very inflexible especially if she has been bullied before and seen as different. You can always insist on certain things like no social media so she just uses it for communication with you and her friends.

Big School and playdates are best terms to be forgotten now she is secondary age. It makes her seem younger than the others and she will not thank you for babying her. Acknowledge her anxiety and ask her what would help her.

Unfortunately school is not the best place for all children these days. My youngest granddaughter who is autistic cannot attend due to anxiety. I think the system is broken for many kids.

I mean the social side of things is very important at high school, and unfortunately kids that age can be very cruel so it’s no wonder she’s feeling anxious. I’d say you are disadvantaging her by her not having a phone (she could have a basic one doesn’t have to be all bells and whistles) but high school is when parents tend to take a step back in terms of arranging things, I can only imagine the social suicide of a potential friend asking to socialise on the weekend etc and your daughter having to tell her that her mum will have to contact you to arrange?

It’s especially important for girls in terms of fitting in, so I’d just tell her it is easily fixed if she wants to change bags/shoes etc after the first day.

I’d bet cold, hard cash that she’s in this state because her mum is a helicopter parent who has babied her all her life.

Play dates, big school…seriously? I really hope you don’t use those terms to anyone else as your daughter must be shrivelling up with embarrassment.

Of course she’ll likely be isolated without a phone, but that’s up to you, of course.

I think you need to remember that at their age, fitting in is so important to most kids. Why would anyone take steps to stick a big “bully me” sign above their child’s head? No phone means no way of keeping up with group activities (not play dates), weekend plans etc. She’ll miss out on loads. They’ll ask why she hasn’t got a phone and when she says her mum won’t allow it, how do you think that’ll go down?

Secondary nurture teacher here. Few tips

1. take her on a day out and buy a transitional object something like a keyring you both have that she is allowed to have. Ask her when she is feeling anxious to hold it and you will know because you have the same. It’s amazing at 11 years how well this works.

2. little pictures of family inside pencil case helps with security.

3. email the school and explain how she’s been feeling over the holidays ask for a person of contact in the inclusion department to check in on her first few days. Try and get an email so you can talk directly to one person.

4. do an excerise asking her to write down all her worries never mind how silly they seem.
   dived a page into four squares and label them big worries I can control big worries I can’t control small worries I can control and small worries I can’t control. This can be very therapeutic just having everything in one place. Talk about how worrying about things you can’t control is pointless and just makes you feel bad, for things that can be controlled make a bullet point plan of how you can control it.

good luck

@Suede82 get her a phone, can you not see that you are playing a big part in her anxiety? She’s going to senior school, not reception! I’m sorry you’ve only got yourself to blame here. You’re being over protective and by doing so you’re hindering her independence and not harnessing her confidence.

I am despairing at all the she must have a phone comments 🥴

OP I think you have done a difficult but brave thing in sticking to your guns on no phone rule.
Especially smartphones, no matter how locked down you think it is there are ways and means around things. What’s App is notorious for bullying.
Social Media rules are 13+ including WhatsApp.. Smartphones should be banned for under 13 yo too.

A brick phone for contact purposes and GPS if needed for the journey is fine.
An iPad/tablet will allow the use of the school apps that are necessary.

Rather than making your daughter fit some ideal that she has has to have the perfect shoes bags etc
Work on confidence and self esteem and being your own person. But let her choose what she wants and prefers.

I do agree with commenters about the language around it. ‘Big School’ doesn’t help. Allow her to feel her feelings but reassure her that change and new things are scary but she will soon settle. Give her coping strategies and things to say/do if she’s stuck.

This

Everyone being weird about the phones. My daughter is about to start Y8, she has a Nokia as does around 50% of her year. She’s had a flying start to secondary and normal texts are fine. WhatsApp is one of the biggest causes of bullying in secondary schools, about it! She’ll be five, it’s a big change.

I seriously hope you won't be taking her in on her first day of high school? (not big school, that's what I and my friend's called infant school!!) Dropping her off yes, but not actually you meeting up with the other girls she will be going in with as well as her, that will more than likely be a trigger for any potential bullying!!

Reckon not letting her have a phone will make her feel different. Just try to eliminate the differences. We let my DD have a phone for high school I think they sometimes see it as a trust thing. We got her a cheap second hand one to start to see if she could be responsible as she was a young 11, but also got her a cute personalised case and it made her feel like she could contact us if anything happens. No WhatsApp or tiktok or internet even but she loved it and it really helped with the adjustment.As for the shoes didn't she pick her own? DD has been choosing her own in which case what's the problem if it's what she chose? Honestly the bags seem to be the concern at my DD high school.... apparently if you don't have the right bag??? Honestly I couldn't care less about bags so got her a rucksack, but a year on in DD has chosen an impractical hand bag paid for it herself out of her birthday money, so as a previously overbearing parent I am trying to chill and just let her call the shots a bit more as everything has changed since year 6 and my DD is a completely different person. I hated it but you have to adapt otherwise they hate you 🤣😆

She needs a phone. She will be left out and miss out on socialising without

My DC didn't have a phone in y7 and is thriving. It's not needed.

To be fair, I love my parents but I was a teen in the 1990s and spent most of the decade drunk in fields (friends with farmers) with parents thinking we were being wholesome and camping 😂 They weren’t neglectful, just different times.

I have absolutely no doubt that everything you are doing is with the best of intentions but, are you sure you are not inadvertently adding to your dds anxiety and fear by making such a huge deal?
Calling it 'big school' and talking about/arranging 'play dates' won't be helping, I assure you. It highlights the huge shift that is occurring in a way that can't be at all helpful. Infantalising never is. Though, again, good intentions but probably only adding to the anxiety.
I know the shoe thing may seem silly, and the issue of the phone non negotiable but you need to make sure not to be dismissive of her feelings.
I had a firm rule of no phone until 13 and that was fine for the first 2 but by the time I got to the 4th, it really wasn't realistic. Ignore those who call it 'lax parenting', it does not need to be a smartphone but that communication channel is important. Not the phone but the channel. We don't even have a home phone and haven't for a number of years
When I was young, it was the home phone. Spent a lot of time waiting for calls, making calls and arrangements with my friends. Not being able to do that IS a difference that your dd will feel, managing that in the best way for her is important.
Just make sure that your words and actions are empowering and not feeding into or projecting a sense of anxiety. This is sometimes hard to naturally do but it's really important to be aware of.
Good luck to your dd. I hope she smashes that first week of what is a big step :)