My daughter is terrified to go to big school

I did ask this last night but for those who don't have phones, how to you work the school commute?

There's loads of criticism of phones at this age and I'm not delighted about it but equally, I wasn't comfortable packing my son off on a long bus journey without some means of contact.

Are there other things you are using that I'm overlooking?

I don't think OP is coming back. Maybe she's reading the comments though? I hope she finds them useful.

if you know other mums ask about shoes- don’t you remember your own secondary school days?! Everyone is in uniform but the cool kids wear whatever shoes are in style. Get her the shoes that help her fit in.

Phone wise… why not get her one and very carefully monitor it and limit internet access. You are socially isolating her if she doesn’t have one.. this isn’t the moment to feel superior over others that you are shielding your child to the internet. You can do that by slowly letting her use it and talking to her about it. You are opening her up to bullying.

When I started reading your post is was confused if she was starting Reception or Y7!

You are babying her and she is behaving like a baby due to this.

Support her in growing up and being independent.

Oh and get her the shoes!

Just let her get a phone and have sensible checks and controls. And talk to her about how to use it
It's how they organise their social lives!!

That could still happen with phones to be fair. I was a teen in the 90s and a lot of my friends drank alcohol but it wasn’t for me. I still hung out with them though.

Genuinely thought this was going to be a thread about a 4 year old. “Big School” is how you describe primary school to a 4 year old. Using it to refer to high school is really infantilising.

you say she’s been bullied at primary school? And she’s worried about phone, shoes etc.

why on Earth would you not want to smooth that path for her?

why the random delaying of a phone until she’s 13? If it’s one if the reasons she’s dreading high school, surely you need to act now? It’s just the world we live in- you can’t stand up for phone free childhood if no one else is? That’s just making her a target.

I havent read the full thread but picked up on her being worried about shoes. We bought these for my DD11 who is starting grammer school tomorrow. There happened to be an older girl in the shop while we were there and we asked her for advice and she said all the girls love and wear these. I have seen others in the chunkier doc marten style shoes but my daughter isn't a fan of those. On a side note, plain black school bag (we went with Kipling) simple drinks bottle and a plain tupperware style lunch box are the way to go.

@Crapola25They are banned in lots of schools here too. I think you are misreading why a phone might be useful for a child worried about fitting in. It’s not to use at school, it’s for ease of communication at other times! It means if something is organised, she can be included by friends instead of being left out. Making friends will be key to this child not becoming a school refuser. As a result the op should back off from organising her DDs social life and let DD take over but facilitate how this can be done. That’s not the same as using a phone in school - many schools don’t allow this. It’s not a hill to die on in the circumstances for a sensible child.

Get her a phone and the shoes she wants.

It is absolutely normal for your anyone child starting secondary school to be anxious, even the most excited child wjo can’t wait to start secondary school will have a little anxiety. Wouldn’t mind betting your daughter will end up absolutely loving her first day at school and you will wonder what all the fuss is about.

one thing I will say is how you bring your daughter up is entirely up to you and if you don’t want your daughter to have a phone until she is 13 then that is your choice. However each and everyone of us parent our children is entirely up to each of us. No matter how much the MN police try to tell you otherwise just remember some of the things those MN police do in parenting their children are things you will be against. There are no right or wrong ways in how we bring up our children but we all try our best.

I was very "young" when I started secondary school and it took me a good 18 months to settle. I think my mum could have helped by encouraging me to grow up a bit before I started - getting rid of the long plaits and phasing out the little girl clothes and just being a bit more in touch with popular culture.
The equivalent these days does mean getting a phone unfortunately. Everyone else will have one, and your DD will be left out of class discussions and social arrangements if she doesn't.
Regarding shoes and bag - have you bought something that she doesn't like or is it just a general fear? Too late now to go abd stand outside and look and see what last year's Year 7 are wearing (that's what I would have done)... but maybe you could ask someone with older kids there or be ready for a shoe shopping trip the first weekend of term if what she has isn't right.

I think getting her one of these “brick” phones is infinitely worse than no phone, by the way. How absolutely embarrassing. I don’t have a teenager (thank god, it sounds hard!) but I can’t imagine the kids with the giant, ugly phones not getting a very hard time for it.

Yes it’s a sad state of affairs, yes we shouldn’t need to give kids phones. But I think in the real world, depriving something like that at secondary school is setting your child up for complete social failure.

Get her a bloody phone for Christ sake. You state she’s been bullied in primary school I honestly have no idea why parents would make their kids lives difficult trying to be better than everyone else….why 13? What difference does it make? It will be really difficult for her without a phone for loads of reasons and you can solve it

I agree with everyone else.
No-one calls secondary ‘big school’ - I thought you were referring to primary and talking about a 4 year old at first. Plus it’s ‘arrangement’ not play date!
When my DCs went they both had class meet ups first in the park so that was useful, at least yo know who they were with, so having a small get together is good. Find out what shoes etc they’ve all got.
Going to secondary is a big deal esp if you’re shy or anxious. Having been there and done that def try and make your DD fit in as much as possible - get a phone and monitor it. She needs to be taught safety online. Obv no tiktok allowed, but realise she might see it in others’ phones.
My DS was WhatsApping in the summer prior to secondary and had some arrangements before he started school although didn’t really stick w those friends. That was 10 years ago! There wasn’t the proliferation of SM then but you just need spyware for want of a better phrase.
good luck!

I think the biggest issue for her here and her fear of school is you! I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but it is. You seem to want to baby her Why hasn’t your daughter been able to pick her own shoes/coat/bag and pencil case surely shes old enough? Why doesn’t she have her own phone i don’t know any child that age who does not choose their own shoes/trainers/clothes or who does not have a mobile phone. your daughter probably will be the only child without a phone and probably will be picked on for not having a mobile phone. All this talk of play dates thats not for year 7’s thats more primary age children. I think you need to allow your daughter some independence and to choose her pen things shes 12 or near enough not 5.

This isn’t about phones. This is about her being bullied and her self esteem being rock bottom. You need to have a very long chat about why she was bullied and why you’re going to absolutely bust a gut to make sure it doesn’t happen at secondary school. Tell her how you’re going to step up and support her to make sure her traumatic time at school doesn’t happen again. The poor thing sounds terrified and she’s looking to you to support her.

No judgement here but this is a depressing thread with all the votes to get her a phone. I wish parents would get a backbone and not give in to giving kids phones. I'm thankful I'm overseas and phones are banned in school.

@Radicalpiloti The op just said a phone in y9. No idea where the notion of a smart phone came from. Just a basic phone would help her fit into a state school.

@tachetastic Preps in y7 and 8 aren’t the same though. A very sheltered environment and parents belong to a club so it’s all organised by the “club”. State dc are generally not like this in y7.

Hate Americanism - play date. Dont they just play?

She'll survive. >99% of people do.

Quite. And in my DCs school we collectively as parents decided that none of us would get them a smartphone. 40 girls going into Y8 and not one of them has a phone. Am amazed at the number of adults on this thread advocating for phones for 11 year olds.

Incidentally, we watched Educating Yorkshire (or maybe it was Manchester) and while I doubt it’s representative of an average senior school, OP, I don’t recommend letting your DC watch it if she’s already nervous about moving to senior school, the behaviour of some of these children was really awful.

We’re Year 6 and very very few kids have smart phones. A couple have dumb phones. As someone said there’s been a big move and campaign against them. None of them even want one!

Poor kid get her a phone. Help her get the right shoes, bag and water bottle - round us it’s patent brogues or ballet flats with big black long handled bags . Other areas it’s kickers and sport backpacks so do get it right. But a phone is essential for making friends and also if she misses bus etc or if there’s a problem.