My daughter is terrified to go to big school

@LittleBearPad

I think luckily there’s been much more publicity and awareness around the dangers recently so it’s definitely possible. Even just a few years ago most of my friends were posting photos of their children on their own social media platforms and I’ve seen a massive reduction in that in the last couple of years. When I first made the decision never to post pictures of my child on social media I thought it would seem very against the grain. Little did I know that many others with children born at the same time were planning to do the same! Now it seems the majority of children my daughter’s age are not being posted on parents’ social media. Things do change. Time will tell 🤷‍♀️

Speak to the headteacher they might be able yo make a few good buddies that do not have a phone to be with he/she

It isn’t and it won’t - peopl3 will however hopefully actively manage their children’s phone access. Part of being a parent is teaching your child about phones, social media and the internet. Refusing a phone completely is the easier option.

That type of bullying is going to happen whether or not a child has phone. That needs reporting to school and police. Not having a phone does not stop bullying behaviour. I personally do not let my child have a phone in their room at night and there are apps whereby you can monitor everything happening on a phone. There is no need for a child to be left unsupervised with a phone. The bullying is not due to the phone. The phone was used for bullying to access the girl due to lack of supervision and parental controls.

I would seriously consider if her not having a phone is a hill you want to die on. She will be the odd one out without honestly. There are ways that you can limit and closely monitor what she is doing and seeing - including messages. Did she have a say in the shoes you got her?

At 46 I have yes 🤣 ... Year 7 kids who have never had a phone before may not know how to and they dont always tell an adult they are being bullied!

Have you not heard how you can block people 😅. That includes bullies.....

Big school...play dates?? At first I thought you were talking about a 4 year old going to primary school.
Just stop talking about it..stop organising things and making a fuss. They day will come, she'll get up and go in. Then youll take it from there.

@LittleBearPad I am hopeful (as a parent of a younger child) that it’s actually a signal that the tide is turning. Hopefully parents of younger children are seeing the risks and once enough brave parents follow through on it then it will be much easier for everyone else.

@Bootsybugs22 thanks for that link, this whole conversation is depressing me as well. It’s so sad that so many other parents just see smartphones as inevitable for an 11 year old child. I don’t even think my own smartphone use is particularly healthy (at the moment I’m procrastinating and putting off some work I should be doing!) as an adult who had no exposure to this type of tech as a child/teen (because I’m old not because my parents were old school). So so worrying that it’s just seen as what you need to do :(

It is perfectly possible to have a smart phone without social media and either no internet or limited internet. Smartphone free childhood suggests a brick type phone for 11 year olds; it’s less restrictive than OP’s position.

I think Smart phone free childhood has lots of followers in primary schools, often of very young children who aren’t having to think about phones yet but want to feel virtuous. I’m sceptical that it has much impact in secondaries.

Ive not read all the pages. I got sad and disheartened at the first three pages telling you to get her a smartphone. There are lots of parents who will stand by you and your daughter in not having a smart phone. If you havent already discovered them Smartphone Free Childhood has lots of resources and support for families who choose to abstain from smartphones for their children.

To be honest getting her a phone will help her. High school kids will arrange meet ups via mobiles and a lot of social interaction is via video calls, group messages etc. You're risking her being socially isolated. If she is bullied, having friends to lean on would be a huge protective factor but she may struggle forming friendships without a phone. The children aren't going to bother going through their parents for friendships once they start high school. Primary school friends often drift too and move onto new groups.

She will need a phone, all 3 my children complete all homework via the school app and see their lessons for the day on it.

Our Manifesto share.google/doSQPZK6bdrcVV7qR

I know of a child who was not on social media and had a basic phone .she was constantly phoned and messaged at night time by 2 other girls who were supposed to be her friends they were bullying her and she was expected to reply within a certain time or there was a consequence for her at school the next day. It was going on months before she told her parents rhat was either year 6 or year 7

She will need a phone in Y7. This is partly a social thing but also very practical for journeys home.

Most kids will have similar shoes. I'd recommend a lace up rather than a Mary Jane style. The chunky T-bar style is also okay if it's still around! Don't buy shoes that aren't plain or made by Kickers.

"Play date"? "Big School"? You are talking to her as if she is five. Did she not have a "Shunt Up" (Transition) Day where she got to spend the day there and make friends?

Maybe organise your coffee morning as a meet-up? And don't expect kids to get on because they are the same age!

Make her realise that most students will be feeling equally awkward and misfits. There will be the perfect hair, born in Y7 kids but most will be feeling equally worried.

Nitbhaving a phone will be a massive issue and source of bullying because you are making a conscious decision to make her different.

She will miss out on the social chats, involvement in the support network for homework etc. Yes there is a lot of crao but I check dd's ohone every 2-3 days and there has never been anything untoward. Mostly lost of YouTube videos of silly stints and genuine support with homework etc. My dd has a serious immune disorder and when she hasn't been at school other classmates (not necessarily friends) have dropped infonon work missed, checked in that she is OK etc.

If your dd has been subjected to bullying at primary please for her sake DO NOT make her a target at high school!

Call the school about it first thing tomorrow. This won't be the first time they have come across this. The more they know, the more they can support you and her. Does she have any SEN either suspected or diagnosed? Worth raising this with school also.

Get her the shoes - whatever she needs to feel comfortable. Also get her the phone. I am sure she isn't a spoiled brat. Sounds like she is incredibly incredibly anxious and she has maybe latched onto these two things with the idea that having them will make her feel safe.

I was the same as you and held off phones until secondary. Discuss and agree some rules around phone usage eg phones off at 8pm and left in the kitchen - or whatever you decide.

This is exactly my point. It’s not an option to feel included without a smartphone precisely because every other parent is just going along with it. If the parents of half the class didn’t buy their children a smartphone it wouldn’t be so ostracising, but all of the parents do it because that’s what everyone else is doing!

The fact that so much schoolwork relies on technology is appalling and I agree that it’s part of the problem. Even most school nurseries have a smartboard which is completely unnecessary for a group of 3 years olds — a waste of school funding and just proof that absolutely no thought has gone into how to use tech effectively in classrooms.

As far as the problems with technology being limited to the children of uninvolved parents who don’t keep their children safe, again all I can say is that this perception is just not true. I know this because I’ve seen it. I’m not keen to be negative about technology, I wish I could be more positive about smartphones and internet use but I’ve seen how it can go wrong too many times.

A few things OP, both as a mum who now has adult kids, who were all anxious about High School, and as an ex form tutor, English teacher and safeguarding lead:

Firstly, it’s High School, not big school. Secondly, the staff, form tutors, etc, have done the transition many times before. Trust them. If her school is anything like the High School I taught at, phones are irrelevant, turned off and left in bags the minute they walk through the gate. Confiscated if used during the school day, so please don’t fixate on this.

Thirdly, don’t compare junior school and what she experienced there with high school: it’s like comparing apples and pears. The stroppy brash kids will be just as nervous believe me, the big fish in the small pond are suddenly the little ones again, with loads of kids, many the size of adults around them. What I’m saying is that they all start as equal.

Finally, hide your nerves. Be positive. It’s going to be ok. She’ll find her crew. Her form tutor will have her back. Let her fly. Don’t pre-empt issues, if they happen, deal with them. It’s a big change, but it happens, so go with it.

Every single social event is organised via phones - inc parties, sleepovers, tennis matches and play dates. How will your child possibly hope to remain friends with anyone unless they can be included?

You are so keen to be negative but for the vast majority of children phones are used properly and safely. If children are just left with no supervision, controls or monitoring of course things can go wrong, but most loving parents will take the time to ensure their children are safe.

The situation isn’t helped by the fact most schools now require phones for all kinds of educational purposes. My children need theirs to check sports fixtures, emails from teachers, prep, reports etc.

Starting year 7 is terrifying for a lot of kids. My daughter started after lock down having missed most of year 6 she was in a terrible state!

I think firstly make contact with the pastroal support staff. They are usually amazing and will speak to her and reassure her.

I also think you may want to consider giving her a mobile phone. If she is coming home from school alone a mobile phone is really important to have just incase she needs to contact you. It may also help her to feel secure as she travels to and from school. Also once she makes friends it is handy as they arrange to meet up usually all done on WhatsApp she will feel pretty left out!

I wish her luck

Get her a basic mobile and ask if she has friends she'd like to meet up with before the big day/ arrange to go with on the day itself. Stop with big school and playdates - from now she should start to make her own social arrangements.