My daughter is terrified to go to big school

Hopefully parents realise that while you can stop app downloads most sites (like Facebook utube etc can be accessed using the search engine (safari on iPhone).. kids aren’t daft and there’s always someone at
school able to hack past the safety settings.

Christ I can’t believe the amount of people on here pressuring you to get her phone!!

My DD has a medical condition and needed a phone at aged 10 but otherwise wouldn’t have one either!… guess what she has still be bullied…. Kids will find any reason to bully someone… if it’s not the lack of phone it will be height, weight, skin colour etc….

My DD is just going into year 10, her school had a rule from year 7 that phones had to be in their bags on silent and were only allowed out in the canteen at break times… this has now changed and as of September the phones have to be handed in during tutor (locked in lockers in each child’s tutor room) and collected from tutor at the end of the day.. anyone caught with a phone during the day has it confiscated until the end of the week!!…. All our senior schools are implementing similar rules and I think before long all seniors will follow suit… we also have to sign to say that if we are sending our children in with a phone it is our responsibility and if the phone is lost while in lockers or confiscated then this is not their responsibility…. If we don’t agree with that then phones should be left at home!
I haven’t seen/heard of anyone complaining about this yet and we were informed prior to the holidays…. Obviously my daughter is exempt as she needs her phone for her blood glucose readings - I’m not looking forward to the teachers challenging her as they have in the past and her needing to defend herself! But will cross that if/when it happens!!
Anyway I will warn you that year 7 is brutal!! My DD really struggled… also it seems like number 1 trend to vape, self harm, send nudes to boyfriends which obviously end up in the year group WhatsApp… kids giving themselves tattoos, some having sexual experiences… it’s horrendous and I’m relieved my DD isn’t a follower… outside of school she chooses not to keep in touch with anyone… she could easily not have a phone LOL… but she learnt early on the dangers of phones when she was targeted on line by a bully.. luckily we nipped it in the bud straight away but it was a good lesson as she’s not interested in social media now and while she watches content she never posts anything and doesn’t comment on anyone else’s ..
Personally I’d stick to the no phone rule for now and review it again in 3 months.. see if she does indeed ‘need’ one for school and if so maybe that’s an easy Christmas present… we’ve always had a rule that I know her passcode and can look at it anytime I choose to… (she was 10 when she got one)… and had all parent safety things set up.. I wish more parents didn’t allow their kids mobile phones so young… when we were at seniors we had a minor falling out at school and by the next day it was pretty much forgotten about having all ‘slept on it’…. Nowadays the minor row turns into a slanging match by text, everyone getting involved and gossiping and stirring - people saying things they wouldn’t dare say in person…. By morning the whole thing has been blown out of proportion and your kid wakes up to horrible messages saying she said you said this etc… and then they’re eating their breakfast or refusing their breakfast because they’re in tears and trying to text everyone to see if they have anyone to sit with in English … it’s bloody awful!! And I wish phones would be banned for under 16’s unless there’s a medical need.

If more parents said no these days we wouldn’t be faced with half the issues we currently are.

Also starting at a new school is an opportunity. My DD1 didn’t really have friends at primary. Made many friends at secondary, and still has them!

My son's school had a very strict mobile phone policy. It was a strict school. If you were caught using your phone on school premises without permission, or if a notification went off in class when your phone was in your bag, it was taken from you and kept overnight, and a parent had to come into school with you the next day to get it back. If a parent couldn't make it while the office was open because they were at work or whatever, you didn't get the phone back until they could.

They also used mobile phones in lessons, either for research or to take photos, and issued all homework via an app called ClassCharts. There's no conflict between the guidelines on phone use in schools, and using them for educational purposes.

Assuming the point of keeping dc away from phones is linked to the internet so why would you allow them to be on a pc or iPad? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am on the other side of this now, and I can see I did get very worked up over them at the time (just like pp) we were very careful and it’s worked out fine for us. For unattended children I can see the danger. I think it’s interesting if different areas are piloting schemes.

All things in moderation, and learning to self regulate is vital, much easier to do when they are younger in my experience. You lose your audience pretty swiftly early to mid teen years. You need the bulk of guidance, values and expectations to be done by then.

Can you ask the other mums which shoes their daughters are wearing to reassure her, or swap the ones she's refusing to try on?

I agree with others that she should have a phone if you can afford one, and be making her own arrangements to meet friends. My son had a smartphone when he went up to high school, but no social media and a kids YouTube account. He couldn't get any new apps without asking me via a notification to my phone - he still can't and he's 17, we've never bothered turning it off.

My son's school used phones in lessons, now I think about it, and homework was issued via an app called ClassCharts. Homework also often had links to YouTube or BBC BiteSize resources. She will need need some connectivity.

Like everyone else, I do think she should have a phone. I was also dead against giving a phone too soon, but it will be your daughter who suffers if she is set apart from her peers in this way. You might be pleasantly surprised when she starts the new school. One of my daughters had a bit of a grim time in primary school - she wasn't bullied as such, but didn't have much in the way of established friendships. At secondary school, she was put into a class where she only knew one other person, but by the end of the first year, she had made new friends on the school bus and in lessons, and it has honestly been the making of her. She is 17 now, oozes confidence, is part of the 'popular' group, is always out with friends, and has just come back from the Reading Festival, which she attended with around 30 others. Just be positive and manifest that positivity onto your child, but please do get her a phone.

You know the Internet is available on other devices not just phones?

So how can teenagers make plans - do they ask mother to use the landline? Checking student emails becomes the parents jobs? My children use a huge wealth of resources on line for revision how on earth do children study at the weekends or holidays when the school library is closed? I am not criticising your school system but I can’t see it working for us. It sounds very infantilising.

@FiveBarGate I apologise, it appears the Government guidance only applies to schools in England and is irrelevant to your school in Scotland.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/mobile-phones-in-schools

I do agree that for many a phone of some sort is needed for the joined especially if long. But the idea they need one for school work is flawed is many areas.

@Suchasonganddance Ditto!!! Mine were brown Startright sandals (buckle strap and star cut out) which were brown with light coloured soles. Except the uniform was black shoes for both indoors and out. So 2 pairs needed. These were my indoor shoes so DM dyed them black. I virtually never wore them and continually had lines for wearing my outdoor shoes inside school.

DDs just want to fit in! DM never asked what everyone else was buying! Just ridiculous. My parents had a PhD in embarrassing their dc though!

They're available online (emails etc) through the parent platform, but yes, everything is paper and in a physical planner. They're expected to note fixtures and deadlines in their planners. And one wouldn't need a smartphone to access emails of course. The school say behaviour incidents have plummeted since they introduced this. If any phone is seen or heard it's confiscated for a week.

London so zip cards for travel. Food is on biometrics.

Most secondaries in the borough are operating on the same basis and are explicitly smartphone free. You can't say you're smartphone free and then demand they're used! School is open for a couple of hours every evening so computers and the library can be used.

The OP should check what's the deal at the school in question.

In your school.

As has been pointed out, they vary a lot.

Ours sent instructions about what apps to put on their phones which suggested they expect them, although obviously not in lessons.

Catchment probably plays a large role. Ours draws from a big geographical area. Many get taxis to meet the school buses and are then travelling 30 miles through very rural parts of north Scotland.

I'm sure in cities some have multi connection journeys on train/bus.

The suggestion you walk the route and look at the phone boxes suggest very few people have tried using these in a long time. The only one we still have contains a defibrillator rather than a phone.

It's fine to make different choices depending on set up and commute and I think the 'its just idiotic parenting to let them have one' come from those who take their kids to school or they have a short walk.

But the point is it's about fitting in and it's good to work out what the norm is for the particular school.

The “right” shoes are important at this stage. My mother held the view what you looked like didn’t matter as long as clean and tidy.
i started and endured senior school in 1970 wearing Clark’s or maybe Startrite almost orthopaedic lace ups when every other girl bar one was wearing Dolcis. I was bullied mercilessly and dreaded each new pair as they would herald a new spate of horrid comments.

I think it’s vital to make this transition as smooth as possible. You can help her so much by providing the right apparel, a phone programmed as suggested by pp’s and stop arranging “play dates” however well meant.

I don’t think schools should expect dc to have a smart phone. It’s definitely not policy to allow phones in school these days and they are locked away. Home computers can be used for downloading everything and getting emails. A phone should not be a requirement in y7.

I would think she may need a smartphone, most schools now use timetable apps, homework apps, etc. At my DCs school they get given an email address of their own to communicate with staff and each other for projects.
Doesn't have to be the latest iPhone just a smartphone..

Lots of schools ban the use of phones within the school day. Indeed the latest Government guidelines encourage them to do so.

My DDs don't even take their phones to school regularly, as they don't need it for the journey and don't see the point.

Timetable is on paper.
They have Google classroom, but its accessed on school devices if needed during the school day.
Food payments is facial recognition.
Our area has physical tracelcards not digital.
The local shops accept cash. Buses accept cash.

They don't need a smartphone for school.

So your school do not use on line timetables, resources, sports fixtures, emails? Everything is done via a booklet and diary at secondary level? Where do you live? Maybe it’s not the U.K. all of our friends have similar set ups at school, many have continued using teams for example.

I think the phone thing would make me nervous. If I had to travel to a new place with just vibes, no Google maps etc I’d be worried. I could do it, but that’s because I grew up in the 90s but I’d be nervous. As it’s secondary school there is public transport involved I’m assuming? That’s a potential curveball, bus/train doesn’t turn up/is delayed etc what to do next. If her friends aren’t there when they say they will be because they are off sick etc. are they going to call the house phone to let her know, do you still have a house phone? How has she been doing when going to “play dates” has she seemed nervous going into town to meet them for coffee etc? Has anything happened on the way there to knock her confidence.

@nestingbirds depends on the school. DD's school issue all homework in homework booklets for the subject. Any computer based research they need to do doesn't need to be done on a phone. I'm always interested to hear people talk about their child's school like it's done that way in every school in the country.

It's also an equity issue, isn't it? Not all families have cash for smartphones -which get lost and stolen- and credit.

Why do you think a phone is actually “the devil’s spawn” for younger dc and not at all harmful for an 11 year old? At what age exactly does a phone go from being “devil’s spawn” to a useful tool essential for survival in the real world? Surely if you can see they are not great for younger children there are at least some risks for the older ones.

A phone is not “absolutely needed educationally in the same way a maths calculator is needed.” Most of the tools used by schools are available through web platforms and can be accessed using a normal computer, and use of these are far easier to monitor.

Of course I allow use of a calculator, as doing so presents no risks to my child’s well-being that I am aware of. That’s a silly comparison, don’t you think?

I think it's you that needs to adjust.

My daughter's "big" school had the y6'slearning how to manage phones ready for y7.

Get her a phone. if you're THAT worried get a contract with something like the EE Safer SIM. I'm an IT person. We all have higher end Samsung phones, and my daughter has Google parent settings on her mobile and Microsoft family on her laptop for time management and app knowledge. And Life360 for safety when walking to and from school, and when she goes into town on her own by bus (they do tend to start doing this by end of y7. She going to change and go up quick be prepared for it.

The kids message mostly by WhatsApp and Snapchat. She won't have Snapchat and Tiktok until I'm happy I can get the settings for her safety just right. But I did what we do with clueless adults in I.T. I taught her safety, awareness and what to do IF. It's 100 times safer than saying you can't and they do stuff unsafely behind your back. My daughter also knows until 18 I have the right to do mobile safety check on messages, photos etc.

TBH her quickest route to bullying at high school. Your language and handling. It's big school when they go to school at 5 from nursery. She's 11 and going to high school. She's going to hang out with friends not have play dates. Play dates stop about 7 years old.

You need to adjust to be the mum of a teenager now. Be there, supportive, listening ear, safety rules (not over the top), the occasional nag. but the key phrase is I can help if you need it, but it's ultimately your responsibility. This applies to homework, having things ready, knowing about things like letters for trips etc etc. Most high schools now have parent apps for info like homework, topping up food credit etc etc. If not she needs to manage what she wants re packed lunch vs canteen food. Give her budgets, get her equipment. Spending money for any local shop is useful. It a normal part of walking hone with friends if you have a shop that lets the high school kids in it straight after school. Then just let know your there if she needs advice. but she needs to manage herself. Let her walk to school orzdrop her nearby but please don't ve the mum shouting love you at the school gate. And these friends you've introduced her to. They could just as easily be in different forms, different lesson, different sets, different breaks etc depending on how the high school is. It's honestly best to leave friend making to them.

Posts like yours I am sorry to say just sound naive and so out of touch with reality. Most of their homework is done digitally these days. The phone is absolutely needed educationally - in the same way a maths calculator is needed. Or do you not allow those either and only allow a wooden abacas?

Goodness me, all of these parents of younger children seem to think a phone is the devil’s spawn (which it is in fairness for young dc) and the use of phones by young people will be reversed. It really won’t. They are essential, and a part of life now.

I still remember vividly waiting for the bus on my first day at secondary school. Not one of my primary school friends were going to the new school. I stood there in my Clarks black leather lace ups - and an older girl joined me in her white patent stiletto, sling back kitten heels! I was mortified! Thankfully I can't remember being bullied.

I totally agree with this.