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Original poster

My daughter is terrified to go to big school

418 replies

Suede82 · 22/08/2025 03:00

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

OP posts:
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Mcoco · 29/08/2025 08:45

Your poor daughter has been through so much and I am happy to hear she is well now.

My daughter is just starting 6th form. My experience is that from year 7 to year 8 clarks are the shoes they all wear. Then from year 9 it's kickers. They start year 7 with their skirts at the normal length then after about 2 weeks they roll them up into mini skirts. Be prepared for that!

Yes regarding coats they all wear north face. We only bought her that brand in year 10 though as by then we figured out it will last her years.

My daughter suffered from anxiety and I found her pastrol care at school was amazing. Luckily she was never bullied and had a brilliant group of friends. She was shy like your daughter and gained confidence as she got older.

Good luck.

Salmarx · 29/08/2025 00:09

Franjipanl8r · 27/08/2025 01:41

This isn’t about phones. This is about her being bullied and her self esteem being rock bottom. You need to have a very long chat about why she was bullied and why you’re going to absolutely bust a gut to make sure it doesn’t happen at secondary school. Tell her how you’re going to step up and support her to make sure her traumatic time at school doesn’t happen again. The poor thing sounds terrified and she’s looking to you to support her.

Thank you. Finally a sensible response who got what I meant! I will be always supporting her as I have done since she was little and praying she builds her confidence in a larger school with a higher chance of finding like minded friends 🤞🏻

Salmarx · 29/08/2025 00:06

mammamopey · 23/08/2025 07:55

Exactly. This is Mumsnet, all our children would rather be climbing trees or doing craft than making duck faced TikToks, while their mummies are preparing huge salads and a third meal of that roast chicken 😁

What is this fallacy that kids stop doing fun activities as soon as they have a phone?

@Suede82 you need to step away from organising your dd's social life. "we are meeting with lots of them" is unusual for a yp going into year 7. It's the summer when they start walking places by themselves, meeting with friends without mummy coming along or organising their social life.

I'm concerned that by being so involved, you might be unintentionally risking your daughter’s friends seeing her as boring or immature. At this age, most kids are eager to do things independently with their peers.

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Sadly almost impossible for her to walk anywhere from where we live. And I’m more than happy (in fact I’d LOVE a break!!) that she went off on her own somewhere but she doesn’t want to. She wants me to come in with her always. And I do and then leave as soon as I can so that she gets that independence time. Just so shy 🤷‍♀️

Salmarx · 29/08/2025 00:01

mammamopey · 22/08/2025 18:31

Regarding the bullying in primary, are any of the children who were unkind going to the same new school as your dd @Suede82 ? If they do, I hope they won't be in the same form. Sometimes it's better to not stick with people from primary as it prevents them from making new friends.

If the impact of her social life at primary is profound, she may benefit from counselling. If she is socially insecure or a bit socially shy and awkward, as many can be at this age, you will do well helping her develop those social skills. It's key. IME, the more independent she is the more likely she will thrive.

High time to carefully and lovingly loosen those apron strings OP.

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She’s had some counselling actually. She didn’t want to continue. It was online so I’m surprised she didn’t want to as she’s usually addicted to her iPad. But I respected her wishes. The primary school she was in was tiny (<100kids) and so there will be only 4 of the other girls in secondary school. None of these were her bullies than God!

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:57

mammamopey · 22/08/2025 15:26

Op, it sounds like you suffer from anxiety. there are ways to tackle this such as CBT.

I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Why do you have such low expectations of your dc? Does she tend to cry and do you tend to drag her places? And what is it with the catastrophising? What makes you think if your dd has a challenging first day /week / month it is all downhill? It could get better too?

Often parents pass on their anxieties and negative outlook to their unsuspecting dc. I guess, we can all do this when we're feeling out of our depth.

I urge you to deal with this slightly extreme view and trust your dc and her own innate abilities and confidence. Otherwise you will put a hell of a lot of pressure on your dd, yourself and everyone around you and make panic based decisions.

Try to find out why you are so worried and adopt a more confident and positive mindset.

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I suppose around this particular event I do have anxiety. She does cry a lot when she has something coming up; school play, end of term speech, going into an empty school to collect uniform, on the pioneer days that they did (although she said they were ok so I keep reminding her that everything turned out better than she expected). I suppose I’m catastrophising because she’s telling me she doesn’t need uniform because she’s not going, won’t get out of the car, will run away. And I’m trying to figure out what I’ll do if this happens 🤷‍♀️

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:46

Lucy2586 · 22/08/2025 10:42

Mine DD is too. The closer is gets and I am dreading the first day. I loathed to let her have a phone but they have all been meeting up in the holidays and I the keeping the connections with the kids she is moving up with is helping but she won’t try her uniform on and is starting to dream about it. It feels awful knowing she is so anxious.

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Not glad it’s not just mine! Hope you both smash it. 💪

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:43

Hedonism · 22/08/2025 10:14

Not sure if op is coming back - but aside from the phone / language / bag / shoes debates, my other suggestion would be for her to practice the journey to school and back alone, if she hasn't already (you talked about walking to school, I'm assuming you won't be walking with her every day). My DD will be going on the bus so she's had a couple of trial runs this summer without me.

I’ll be driving her or one of the other parents will. It’s too far and dangerous to walk to as we are rural. There is a bus and we will practice this option should we choose to go this route. Good suggestion!

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:41

Pricelessadvice · 22/08/2025 09:09

Big school and play date? Is your child quite immature/young for her age?

No she’s not, it seems that I, however, am 🤣

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:36

FloweringBuds · 27/08/2025 19:06

I work in a senior school and it's rare for a year 7 pupil not to have a mobile. It's a huge part of making friendship groups, arranging meets etc.
Also the app for homework. And also the app send reminders or changes within the day ie ' the gym has a leak, those who have gym period 4/5 please go to the sports field instead ' type thing.

Shoes , bags , stationery tends to be branded it's very much about imagine ( which is sad but unfortunately bullying does happen )
We researched what was likely to be the trends , asking on local pages for her school

Footwear was Air force 1s or a slip on type shoe ( not Clarks that's sending them to slaughter) but mostly AF1s

Stationery was pretty generic but some like the nicer bic pens compared to a pack of asda biros.

Coats - North Face / Nike / Canada something? Puffer style.

Bag - handbag style like tote bag. Not many girls have a backpack.

Thanks for the input from and insider 👍🏻 Actually I’ve decided the phone ban maybe was a mistake but will wait and see what the consensus is after they have started.
And apparently most of the girls in the entire school are wearing the same shoes and they are Clark’s! Who knew they were fashionable 🤣. Shame as they are more expensive than other brands. As for the branded coats, I’m choosing to teach my kids that sometimes we can’t always have a £150 Northface coat when a less expensive brand is equally as good. And as I have twins I can’t fork out for those. The essential uniform list for this school has cost £400 each as it is, and that’s without trainers and football boots!!! So the coats will have to be on their Christmas list as we need to eat this month too.

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:29

Bathingforest · 27/08/2025 12:24

Old fashioned mums and shy daughters. I'd be preparing for home education

Home education would be the worst idea for her! She needs more socialising not less! And being stuck with an old fashioned mum all day rather than with the cool kids and their phones? Nightmare 😉

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:27

waterrat · 27/08/2025 19:03

I think there are some big unanswered questions here OP

is she neurodiverse? Did she struggle with attendance in primary?

Is there any support in place via your primary suggesting to the secondary that she might need help?

I have a child who refused to go to school due to anxiety - I think there are some comments here that are not realising what this really is about.

This isn't about a phone - if she is this anxious it's probably about her inability to cope in the school environment.

You need to speak to her form tutor and possibly the SENCo definitely the pastoral lead at school

try not to panic about day 1 - if she has anxiety this severe she may need support in getting in.

Hi yes I think she may well be but not diagnosed. She’s always been painfully shy and with a more outgoing twin used her as a shield. It’s not about the phone or shoes. It’s about the confidence and I’ve done everything possible to help her increase this. She had good attendance in primary despite her serious illness and was even in during Covid as both parents are key workers. She’s been through a lot in her life already but she’s a brave little soul and will be fine as she’s a lovely girl.

Salmarx · 28/08/2025 23:13

Thank you for all of the useful tips. Some really great support out there 🥰 I’ve been unable to answer individual messages because I’ve not had internet for a while plus can’t figure out how this site works (bit tech phobic). But I wanted to explain a couple of things;
My use of the term big school was slightly misleading because I don’t say that to my girls, just a way of expressing here. Play dates however is what everyone around here calls them. Even the mums have play dates. I guess it’s our humour. I don’t baby my kids and they are pretty self
sufficient.
The person who said that my daughter was unable to make a choice of shoes due to lack of confidence in her decisions was spot on. Very perceptive. It’s not that I won’t allow her to have whatever the hell she wants! I want her to fit in. I’d do anything to facilitate this.
She was bullied in primary school
because she looked different to the other kids (and her twin sister) for a while. She had cancer, chemotherapy and lost her hair. It crucified me seeing it happen. And the school dealt with it the best they could. This is why she desperately wants to look the same as everyone else so I’ve asked the other mums of girls exactly which shoes their girls will be wearing and have ordered those. I’ve just sent back the other £400 worth of shoes we had to try on because she likes them THANK GOD.
And as for the phone, I have 2 of my old iPhones on standby should they come back after the first few days saying that they need them now. The school have a ban on them anyway during the day so may not be an issue. I didn’t want them to have the pressure of a phone until they are older however would prefer to deal with that than them feeling left out. They have iPads for school already and for homework. Play dates or hang outs or whatever they want to call them have to go through me as we are rural and they rely on me for transport. So im hopeful that her first day will be good because it’s then all downhill from there. I’ve emailed the school just to make sure there is extra support should she need it. Hopefully she won’t. I’ll let you know how she gets on 👍🏻

Maninpeace · 28/08/2025 23:06

I think lots of kids will be in the same position tbh.

incant help but think that you’re feeding this anxiety somewhat. Your language, as others have commented on is not helping. Of course she’s going to want the same shoes as everyone else has. It was kickers or rockport in my day. Knowing kids these days it’ll probably be ethically sourced unicorn leather or something…

the phone thing is going to make her stand out like a sore thumb. I don’t like it either but that’s the age we live in. I’d get her one but police it.

I think I can see where you’re coming from. Trying not to let her grow up too fast and protecting her innocence but in these times and at her age it all moves very quickly.

let her fit in and she’ll find her own way. Just be there to help her rather than to own her. Arranging play dates is going to get her grief tbh.

TizerorFizz · 28/08/2025 21:36

I think it does the opposite - for now. This DD is 11. She’s not really formed fashion opinions but would like to fit in. That’s fairly normal. Of course dc should be kinder but they never have been! Some made comments about the oversized uniforms at school 60 years ago! Some had crap shoes like me and of course it was embarrassing. Hated those shoes and did my parents cars about my feelings? Of course not. If you don’t mind which shoes, why not buy what DD wants? The other dc won’t change. That ship possibly sailed in Victorian times!

FiveBarGate · 28/08/2025 21:34

There are always different kids, or indeed the trend setters.

The difference is these kids are confident in their choices and bullies can't penetrate that. They have their own sense of style and are proud to display it.

A child whose mother has chosen shoes she didn't want and who is self conscious about them is always going to be an easier target.

mumatlast14 · 28/08/2025 20:58

TizerorFizz · 28/08/2025 20:50

@mumatlast14People don’t though do they! When my DDs were starting secondary 20 years ago it was the same. Comments at the ones who didn’t look the same. Everyone had long hair for a start! 11 is very young to be different and develop your own style. School uniform doesn’t really allow variation either so you might as well have the same shoes! Belonging can matter and fashion statements come later.

I’ve found DC develop their own style at around 13. Maybe a bit earlier but most follow the trendy girls and don’t break out into goth or indie chick at 11. Copying for a bit is fine.

It feels that parents are enabling this though. Instead of encouraging kids to feel confident in themselves and discouraging comments of certain bags, shoes, coats etc being trendy 'must haves' or cause for bullying, parents are running around buying certain things which only serves to perpetuate this anxiety for kids being the odd one out.

TizerorFizz · 28/08/2025 20:50

@mumatlast14People don’t though do they! When my DDs were starting secondary 20 years ago it was the same. Comments at the ones who didn’t look the same. Everyone had long hair for a start! 11 is very young to be different and develop your own style. School uniform doesn’t really allow variation either so you might as well have the same shoes! Belonging can matter and fashion statements come later.

I’ve found DC develop their own style at around 13. Maybe a bit earlier but most follow the trendy girls and don’t break out into goth or indie chick at 11. Copying for a bit is fine.

mumatlast14 · 28/08/2025 19:15

Thoroughly depressing reading. Don't wear this, do that, don't be different, must have a smartphone...all because of bullying, and not being accepted...if only parents took half as much trouble instilling into their kids to be kind and inclusive instead.

BasilPersil · 28/08/2025 18:53

@nestingbirds they can obviously use phones if they choose outside of school, and I am sure do. You asked about school.

In our case DD is autistic and doesn't independently socialise so I can't speak for how other parents manage that. She has a dumb phone if she needs to get in touch outside of the school premises.

BeLoyalCoralHiker · 28/08/2025 17:26

FiveBarGate · 28/08/2025 08:35

In your school.

As has been pointed out, they vary a lot.

Ours sent instructions about what apps to put on their phones which suggested they expect them, although obviously not in lessons.

Catchment probably plays a large role. Ours draws from a big geographical area. Many get taxis to meet the school buses and are then travelling 30 miles through very rural parts of north Scotland.

I'm sure in cities some have multi connection journeys on train/bus.

The suggestion you walk the route and look at the phone boxes suggest very few people have tried using these in a long time. The only one we still have contains a defibrillator rather than a phone.

It's fine to make different choices depending on set up and commute and I think the 'its just idiotic parenting to let them have one' come from those who take their kids to school or they have a short walk.

But the point is it's about fitting in and it's good to work out what the norm is for the particular school.

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there is one payphone between home and by sons secondary school and it is regularly vandalised, I wouldn’t trust it to be there in an emergency!

if your daughters is generally a bit nervous I don’t know why on earth you wouldn’t get her a phone. You can easily lock down apps etc but apart from the social stigma, there are always teething issues with the greater independence that comes with secondary school - missing the school bus, getting delayed, forgetting something - that a phone will turn from a major drama into a easily resolved issue. I wouldn’t go out travelling on the working day without my phone incase I was delayed, missed a train etc so I wouldn’t expect my children to either.

Bootsybugs22 · 28/08/2025 15:11

DMWil · 28/08/2025 14:59

Oh bless her, that sounds really tough — and I totally get why you’re anxious too. My eldest was similar going into big school, and what helped a bit was:

  • Normalising his worries — we talked about how lots of kids secretly feel the same (even if they don’t show it).
  • Roleplay at home — we practised little ‘what if’ scenarios (what to say if someone comments on shoes, or how to ask to join in at lunch). It gave her a bit of a safety net.
  • Routine comforts — choosing a special breakfast for the first day, or letting her pack her own bag the night before so she felt a bit more in control.
  • Peer connection — your coffee morning/playdate idea is brilliant, because having even one familiar face really helps.
On the practical side, I sometimes use little prompts/conversation starters with my kids when they’re anxious — just simple ideas to help me find the right words when I’m out of my depth. It takes the pressure off me, and they open up more.

This is such a kind and helpful reply. ❤

DMWil · 28/08/2025 14:59

Oh bless her, that sounds really tough — and I totally get why you’re anxious too. My eldest was similar going into big school, and what helped a bit was:

  • Normalising his worries — we talked about how lots of kids secretly feel the same (even if they don’t show it).
  • Roleplay at home — we practised little ‘what if’ scenarios (what to say if someone comments on shoes, or how to ask to join in at lunch). It gave her a bit of a safety net.
  • Routine comforts — choosing a special breakfast for the first day, or letting her pack her own bag the night before so she felt a bit more in control.
  • Peer connection — your coffee morning/playdate idea is brilliant, because having even one familiar face really helps.
On the practical side, I sometimes use little prompts/conversation starters with my kids when they’re anxious — just simple ideas to help me find the right words when I’m out of my depth. It takes the pressure off me, and they open up more.
TizerorFizz · 28/08/2025 14:39

@T1Dmama The phone isn’t just about school though is it. What school does isn’t the same as organising your social life via a phone. It won’t stop dc using them all the time at 13 either - if they’d the arbitrary age parents decide. All of this might have to be weighed up ageing being Billy no mates. If the latter is concerning, a phone might be the best option. Maybe some dc can be trusted not to view unhealthy stuff?

RubberPlantPotStand · 28/08/2025 13:18

T1Dmama · 28/08/2025 12:57

Hopefully parents realise that while you can stop app downloads most sites (like Facebook utube etc can be accessed using the search engine (safari on iPhone).. kids aren’t daft and there’s always someone at
school able to hack past the safety settings.

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I used to do phone inspections and look at his search history when he was 11. When he got social media, it was initially on the understanding that I could check his messages too. Once he got to 14, that stopped. He had far less access to digital content than his mates and is no better a human for it, and is just as phone-addicted. But you try.

mikado1 · 28/08/2025 13:02

T1Dmama · 28/08/2025 12:57

Hopefully parents realise that while you can stop app downloads most sites (like Facebook utube etc can be accessed using the search engine (safari on iPhone).. kids aren’t daft and there’s always someone at
school able to hack past the safety settings.

Show quote history

But youcan delete chrome/safari. My dc's phone just amhas the agreed and respected apps. It's working fine
I've notice on snapchat he doesn't open the vast majority as he says people just spam with snaps to keep up their streak sk he just sticks to actual communication and calls. That's the best I can hope for as someone who was allergic to the whole thing.