My daughter is terrified to go to big school

She needs a dumb phone at minimum, both so she has a direct line to you, and so she can text friends. In a world where many families don’t actually have a landline anymore, it’s often the only way to contact people.

My DD went to secondary school last year and I thought about it hard before I gave her one of my old iphones. But really- it’s been the way she and her friends all chat to each other, make arrangements to meet up etc.

Those parents who didn’t supply phones had done so by the end of the year as their kids were missing out on all the spontaneous fun.

My Dd is starting in yr7 in Sept too. I agree with other posters that calling it "big school", it makes it sound scary.
My DD is shy, can be anxious & over think everything but I've just kept it quiet breezy & matter of fact.
Inside I'm worried about bullying re one aspect about her, but she doesn't know that.

About a smart phone, they need it at our school as it's used for their school apps - it has their homework posted on it by teachers, their timetable (there is paper version but easily lost), behaviour / reward points, messages from teachers about changes to homework or to teachers if they have a question etc.
They also do some homework on apps too. Having a phone enables them to contact you to/from school, plus tracking them on their journey. Not to mention the social aspect or arranging meeting friends. They'll stand out not having a smartphone. You can control & know about every app that's downloaded, put ages restriction on etc.
Good luck to your Dd for September - I'm sure she'll find her feet & be great, it's a fresh start for her - turn that to a positive.

Reported!! your school sounds like a lovely place to work! we don't report each other, thankfully its a good, eclectic working environment, not a latter day Stasi run institution like many these days!

The point about her not trying on her uniform is a bit worrying. She has to try it all on in case there’s a problem on her first day which will cause further anxiety and distress.
Take her out today, ask for advice in shoe shops for what teens wear as long as it’s in accordance with school policy and buy her a cheap phone. If she gets on with it how about a nicer smartphone at Christmas? Just an idea. Just please reinforce all the positives so she’s looking forwards to her new chapter in life.

As a parent of a child going into year 8, so just done the first year at high school, I would urge you to get her a phone asap. The problem is, you’ve already isolated her by not getting one until now. The class WhatsApp’s will likely already be set up, and the discussions about shoes, bags, meeting up on the first day etc will already have happened. DS had already met most of his form by this point last year as they’d organised a meet up in the park (completely organised by the kids, no parent involvement).

Has she been out and about with her friends over summer? How does she organise this?

Those on here that are denying their children a phone until they are 13+, how will you teach them to use it safely when they are out most of the time, and full of hormones? Will they be confident to come to you when they receive a d*ck pic? Or will they hide it because they are worried you will remove the phone? Same if they are being bullied online etc

I agree with bingeing tv series. It takes away some of the mystery and it shows how staff are generally supportive, nurturing and in control. The most challenging kids are shown sympathetically and fundamentally good.
I think shoes are often regional so maybe check with local mums. Kickers considered a bit babyish here! Black accessories, coats and bags are the norm.
I work with a year 7 nurture group and I can categorically say by Xmas they are loving it. They adapt so quickly.

You need to stop babying her for a start.

"Big school", "playdates".... she is 11 going on 12 depending on when her birthday is. When I was going into year 7 I was managing my own social life at this point with friends from primary school or friends who lived in the same street as me. I had a brick phone as smartphones obviously weren't around then (Nokia 3210!). I accept times have changed and kids are treated as younger than they are these days but this is a bit ridiculous.

I agree with others that she could have a non smart phone to mainly call and text, and lots of children around that age have those types of phones now. She will most likely feel left out if she doesn't have some sort of phone to communicate with her friends and her only option being her mum to manage her "playdates".

You need to inspire confidence in her and treat her like she is capable and mature enough to go to secondary school and make and manage friendships independently, and part of that will be accepting she is no longer a baby anymore.

It is a scary time for them my DD started high school on Monday and had a few rough days. She was supposed to start last week but was poorly with Covid so she has found it hard starting later. However I will say she’s had to call me a couple times on her break and lunch so I do think a phone would be beneficial. As I can’t get parked straight outside the school I text her where I’m parked also. Calling it big school and play dates really are a bit young. She will be okay once she’s there and found her feet xx

She needs a phone. My daughter started year 7 last year - the first thing they did was create a class WhatsApp group - she’ll be left out if she doesn’t have one. Yes, it needs monitoring and goes against everything we know, but you’re setting her up for isolation without one.

As long as she’s not wearing the Clarks rubber soled Mary Jane types (ie the school shoes we buy when they start primary), any kind of ‘grown up’ loafer (next (school), river island, new look) or kickers is fine. Plain black Nike rucksack. (Although lots moved on to the Le Pliage bags - ridiculously expensive but mentioned as it’s the trend).

Totally accept phones/the ‘right’ shoes/bags shouldn’t be a thing, but they are and secondary school can be a cruel place.

Accentuate the positives:

Certian kids that she didn't get on with at primary won't be there.
New friends.
If she's wearing the official uniform she won't get penalised for uniform infringements.
Clubs- there may be one for her.
Learning exciting new stuff. For me it was languages.
Sports- it's not just about being in the classroom.

Mine has the same. She has a Gmail account we can monitor for Granny/overseas friends/her grown up cousins.

She does ask if we can arrange some outings where they cost money or need transport. She's been crabbing with a friend and I took them (needed the car) and to the trampoline park with another (she doesn't know the bus route well enough and it costs).

I suspect the other kids will have been in contact over the summer to discuss some of the things she’s worried about.

There was lots of chat on my DD’s group chat about shows / water bottles / bags. Meeting up at the bus stop on day 1 etc.

As a parent it is my job to help dd navigate the use of a phone and her online life. I much prefer to put in the time to talk about internet safety and her online footprint than not give her a phone and her be excluded.

Kids in secondary school don’t go to play dates arranged by parents. They speak to each other and meet up. Even before phones, my mum would have had no involvement in me making plans with friends - ie no contact with other parents. Surely you remember that?

Editing to fix typo and to add - I have a very “young” 11 year old. Her phone has not made her vulnerable or older than her years.

I agree with a restricted phone for communication. I don't think anyone should do anything because they'll be bullied otherwise, as seems to be a theme on here. My 13yo starts today (Ireland so Secondary is later) and has a phone but hasn't brought it as no phones allowed during the day, a plus in my opinion.
Anyway OP the bigger picture that comes across in your OP is there's a lot of work to be done in terms of confidence and anxiety in your dd. I do think your own handling of it may not be helping it, sorry, and Big School stood out to me also. Some reflection and some planning now would be worthwhile I think so you can bolster her a little more as she is moving towards independence in these next years

Get her some all black air force 1s and a phone ( even if no social media ) now.

When my daughter was due to start secondary they were all in whats app groups in the summer holiday finding out who was in their forms, and her now best friend was someone she met in this group and arranged to meet on the first day of school to walk into form with!

you can still monitor and check whatsapp etc.

You need to let her grow up a little. Sending hugs, I know its hard.

This would not be acceptable at my school at all! If anyone heard you deliberately give instructions like this you would be reported. You want them to be late so they learn the discipline policy!

If I wasn’t teaching I walk them to the next class (like a mother duck and her ducklings) if I wasn’t teaching I would grab an older student and get them to walk them there (and email their teacher so they know there is a reason they are late, plus give them a merit).

Also a physics teacher - happy for them to know that teachers are there to support and help them!

You sound like you baby her OP, calling it “big school” and not letting her have a phone. All the other kids will have phones, she will be really left out and possibly teased if she doesn’t have one. All their social arranging and chit-chat outside school will be done by phone. Get her one now!

And I’m not sure what you mean about the shoes, but get her the shoes she wants too. These things are important for 11 year olds.

I’m sorry your daughter is feeling so nervous about secondary school.

It can be easier to fit in at secondary as there are more people and you are more likely to find a group you fit in with. The library is usually a great place if she gets overwhlemed with the school.

There will be plenty of others in the same situation!

I would not talk about it much in the next 2 weeks, just keep it very matter of fact so she knows it isn’t an option she is going to school. Don’t try to ease her fears, sometimes you discussing them can reinforce that there is something to be worried about. I’m not saying dismiss them and move the conversation forward.

Schools are reopening around now after GCSE results, so contact them and see if the year 7 head of year/ her tutor is contactable to get some pastoral support in place right from the get go.

Agree completely. It’s a horrible thing to do to children who will already be feeling anxious about not finding their classroom.

The language you use about your daughter is very infantalizing, and I wonder if you seeing her as younger than she is is feeding into how she sees herself and this fear of "big school".

As everyone else has said, get her the phone and the shoes (if you can afford them. Vinted might be a good option). These won't solve the whole issue, but they're an easy fix to help along the way.

I honestly think a key part of parenting is understanding your child's world. It's easy for us as adults to think having a particular pair of shoes or a phone doesn't matter, but when you're 11/12, it really does!

As adults, we think it's good to be individual and stand out from the crowd. But when you're a nervous 11 year old about to start school, the last thing you want is to stand out from the crowd! X decades later, I still remember that I was one of the only people in secondary school without the right shoes. It sounds silly to say it as an adult, but at the time, it genuinely made my life at school harder.

Big school and play date? Is your child quite immature/young for her age?

That’s to do with your child’s friends or cohort. My DD’s were not sent beheading videos. But they did arrange netball games and jaunts to the town on Saturdays.

I’d rather talk to my child about the ways to manage a smart phone than tell her that the world is a terrible place and she might get sent a beheading video and that I don’t trust her enough to have a phone. If you are assuming that your daughter will sneak a phone up to her bedroom if she had one then yes, you do have a problem. Neither of mine have done this.

That’s a horrible thing to do. I have adhd and one of the symptoms is no sense of direction and you doing that would give me a panic attack. As an 11 year old I’d have been in pieces. And probably not able to go to school the next day.

People like you who play such cruel tricks shouldn’t be teachers.

Do you know any older children at the school? They could offer advice on shoes, bag, water bottle etc.

An older child could also be a point of contact for her.

All this. It's not 'Big school', year 7s don't go on 'Play dates' and everyone else will have a phone of some sort.

Big school? Play dates? The kid is almost 12, not 3!!!
Perhaps you babying her is giving her this anxiety.
Get her the shoes if it's that important to her and let her have a brick phone so she is less insecure about walking there by herself (which she should be doing at that age).