My daughter is terrified to go to big school

Odd to write such a detailed OP and then not comment in any meaningful way subsequently.
Possibly not the answers the OP wanted?

Maybe but if this is the case, a thread on Mn isn't going to help, especially as OP isn't engaging with the replies. If Op's dd is at risk of school refusing, the idea of dragging her in is preposterous and OP should do her utmost to get a good counsellor to support her and her dd asap.

My daughter is terrified to go to big school

I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

It's one thing if the daughter is stressed and worried, which is fairly normal, unless it's more than normal worry, in which case, she needs urgent support. It's another thing altogether for the OP, a grown woman to be terrified.

Catastrophising is part of the problem.

@bootle96 I imagine the dd is close to school refusing.

Agree with everyone else, sounds like you are treating her as much younger than she is and making her fears far worse. I have two children at secondary school. I know almost none of their friends parents, they need to arrange all social lives themselves, this would be hard without a phone. Mine had phoned for secondary but no social media (still the same now for 16 year old, he chooses to have no social media.) Also their timetable and homework is all on an app on their phone and they are often asked to take photos of info in school, they wouldn’t manage without a phone. I would strongly suggest you reconsider on this.

Tell her everyone is nervous to start but she will have lots of help and support from the teachers. Tell her it’s normal to feel nervous and then move on from the discussion. Don’t play into her fears. Get her to contact her friends (DONT do it for her) to ask about what shoes bag etc they are getting, and get her the same if that’s what she wants. Year 7 kids just want to fit in. My son (now going into year 8), was nervous for his first day but it’s all fine after one day. This is only a big deal if you make it one.

Also you mention pushing her in on the first day of term? Please tell me you’re not taking her to school?? Unless they have significant additional needs secondary children travel to school with their friends, being taken by parents would definitely make them a target for teasing.

God yes. It often carries on after primary too.

@Toomanywaterbottles It’s not odd really - like minded people find each other and stick to the “rules” the group subscribes too. Dc are therefore controlled by their parents and have a curated friendship group. I’ve seen this quite a lot. Other dc not welcome!

It’s odd for you to be best friends with your DC’s friends’ parents! At primary school or nursery, maybe that’s the case, but at secondary school it’s likely that you will never, or rarely, meet your DD’s friends’ parents.

Same. I only came on to this thread because I was a Reception teacher and thought I might be able to help.

Ex secondary teacher here. It’s normal to be nervous. It does sound like you’re still thinking of her as you get than she is. A phone would help her to fit in as pupils communicate via them now. She’d be out of the loop if she couldn’t even text.

Most over protected dc don’t go from phone novice to phone moron in 2 weeks. School should control use and look at ways to ensure there’s less anxiety about school. Once dc see themselves as a victim and cannot find a way out of it because they don’t have friends, it feels very lonely. So I’d try very hard to get dc to see she can make new friends. Larger schools have many options and she will have a bigger pool of dc there. Learning to navigate school is important and she needs confidence to do it. So fresh start with everything.

I like them to use them in moderation to relax after school and make arrangements with friends. Not throughout school! Plus not having a phone when literally everyone else had one would have been a step too far. I know what is like up grow up feeling left out and I would never inflict that on them.

The way it runs now in school is so much better but there was a period when schools spent know how to handle it. Unfortunately they were exactly in that period.

So you give your kids phones but don’t like the school lets them use them?

If you don’t want your child to sit staring at a screen don’t give them a screen.

I remember at that age an over involved parent was a red flag. You worried that if you fell out that their mum would be phoning the school to complain about you.

Exactly. This is Mumsnet, all our children would rather be climbing trees or doing craft than making duck faced TikToks, while their mummies are preparing huge salads and a third meal of that roast chicken 😁

What is this fallacy that kids stop doing fun activities as soon as they have a phone?

@Suede82 you need to step away from organising your dd's social life. "we are meeting with lots of them" is unusual for a yp going into year 7. It's the summer when they start walking places by themselves, meeting with friends without mummy coming along or organising their social life.

I'm concerned that by being so involved, you might be unintentionally risking your daughter’s friends seeing her as boring or immature. At this age, most kids are eager to do things independently with their peers.

Exactly. This is Mumsnet, all our children would rather be climbing trees or doing craft than making duck faced TikToks.

I don’t understand the assumption that if a child is given a phone so they can keep in touch with their friends then they won’t go on a trampoline but instead watch beheading videos.

I'm a bit tech illiterate but my dgd has a phone and her mother is able to monitor all her interactions

I thought she was 4!! Not 11. The phone is needed to fit in. You need to speak to the school about anxiety. Listen to her over the shoes. The popular ones cannot be that bad. Just relax the reins a bit - she sounds over controlled and therefore isolated. Just relax a bit!

You should not be making plans now though. If you don’t give her freedom you will be resented. All the kids from primary school with drift. Get her a Nokia without internet. Give her some independence though seriously

You should not be making plans now though. If you don’t give her freedom you will be resented. All the kids from primary school with drift. Get her a Nokia without internet. Give her some independence though seriously

This

They don't need a smartphone, just an independent way of making plans with friends (or asking a homework question, or contacting a parent...) so a dumb phone is fine if they have Internet at home for school stuff etc.

Myb14yo loves playing in the woods but she needs a phone to make arrangements with her friends to meet in the woods first!

I commented before that my 11 year old hasn’t and won’t have a smartphone. All the pro-phone parents say she’ll do whatever she can to get online etc. she has an iPad and sometimes uses the internet. She would much rather be on the trampoline, climbing a tree or doing craft than being online. (My younger sons, maybe not.) She’s simply not that interested, and is provided with a lovely environment full of other outlets. Of course it might change, and I’m not against her having a dumb phone, but none of us are in a rush with that.

London suburbs and everyone had a smartphone from Y7 but my kids are 16 and 19. For my DS1 they were allowed phones at break and lunch, which I hated. They all knew what phones each other had and DS obsessed with getting an iPhone. They just all sat on benches staring at a screen, couldn't believe a school condoned that. DC2&3 school been better, phones banned last couple of years in school but they did have and used them in school from about Y7-9.

I wanted to take my daughter’s phone but I realise over the holidays it’s her life line for getting prepared for high school. I do not really my want my to kid to have a phone but if you deprive them at this critical point they will get online anyway. It’s tricky and I do understand people not wanting kids to have a phone. I am not with her dad and he is very much against her having a phone but if you think the moral support is crucial and nothing something that you can give them they need peer support.