My daughter is terrified to go to big school

Phone stuff aside - I will give you the secondary school advice that was bestowed on me by my brother, and that he has bestowed upon his children.

“Don’t get a massive backpack that’s almost as big as you, and do not button up your blazer or you’ll look like a Mormon.”

Timeless advice, and when I was terrified it’s the only advice that actually calmed me down because it made me laugh.

I find it quite neglectful that you have no idea where your child is upto the age of 16. They have no way of contacting you if they are in trouble, lost, hurt etc and you have no way of contacting them. Will your child never leave the house without you until shes 16 or are you happy for her to go out and not be able to contact each other?

Please reconsider the phone. If her first day does not go as planned she needs the reassurance that she can call you at ANY point xx

Then they could use a parent’s phone instead, couldn’t they? I agree, it is lazy parenting.

Goodness me - get her a phone - with all the apps - these things matter - no wonder she’s anxious

Welcome to 2025 not everyone has a "home phone". Hardly neglect. Give your head wobble

Please do NOT drag her crying into school. I tutor children who have literally been dragged in crying ... it gets worse and the trauma has long-lasting consequences.
Secondary schools are very difficult places to navigate - vast, full of confusing draconian rules and a huge jump in demand. It is not suitable for everyone, and a child who has already experienced bullying will be understandably anxious.
You need to communicate with the school as soon as possible.

Thats a massive leap from year 7 nerves

As a secondary school teacher, I can confirm that not all Y7s have phones. They’re not old enough for any social media and they’re not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. When you say that meet ups will be arranged via SM, remember that a dreadful amount of bullying goes on too on phones. They say nasty things that they’d not say in person.

OP, many new Y7s are nervous about starting secondary school. Everyone will be wanting to make friends. Most of the girls are still very young and not interested in make up, etc. I hope your daughter settles in quickly.

My daughter is going into year 9 and doesn’t have one. She’s not alone without one as many friends don’t have one either.

I agree with everyone else regarding phones. They're a necessary evil these days - it IS how they all organise themselves. DD bestie shares a phone with her dad and even that works fine.

Everything else will work itself out 💜

Woah. The us of the word ‘we’ here worries me. She should really be making her own plans now. She can do that without a smart phone.

Big school? I thought you were going to say she is starting reception. Why are you treating her like a baby? Let her have a phone. How will she text and call her friends? How will she get in touch with you if there is a problem on the way to and from school?

I would avoid calling it big school to her. It may be worth considering that you could get her a mobile at this age on the condition you monitor it and help her navigate using it. It means that she is supported and taught how to do it and not stand out amongst the other children. Perhaps she could begin using it more independently at 13 (but still monitored). You could ask anonymously (so she doesn't feel even more embarrassed) on local groups about what shoes the other children are wearing at this school to reassure her. When my daughter went for her transition day before the holiday, I sat in the car and looked at what clothes and shoes the students were wearing and what bags etcetera they used.

Calling it big school and referring to play dates she when is 11/12 probably isn’t helping.

@BasilPersil Op said no phone at all. Where did you get no smart phone from? No Phone. Not the same.

Have you done things like practice the journey?

That is something we also did - got them to time it and work backwards - even younger kids who would likely be walking in with siblings just so they knew how long and could work backwards for timings.

It's harder if there a school bus as there was for DN and me and my siblings. Also if they are meeting up with friends allow more time - IME it means it takes longer and they may need a time to leave by as someone is always late.

Well, what's the school phone policy? The school DD is starting at is smartphone free and they don't do anything school based on them- manual planners and homework books. She's got a flip phone. She's not even that interested in that, her lack of snake playing is a travesty.

We know loads of kids who didn't have smartphones until year 9. It's not that unusual. I'm a governor at a smartphone free secondary and our behaviour and safeguarding incidents have plummeted since we did it, plus it's saved loads of staff time. It's not teachers' job to police it.

If you go on the smartphone free childhood website then you might be able to find (the irony) WhatsApp group for the school she's starting at.

Our school is good. Have you done things like practice the journey?

She is going to be left out if she doesn’t have a phone, please think about getting her one, doesn’t need to be an expensive one. You can’t be arranging plans for her with other parents at high school.

I also thought she was going to be starting primary school. It seems like you are babying her, even calling it big school.

I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together.

We sort of did that with eldest not play dates but meet up enocuraged - younger kids sorted it themsleves.

I'd keep an open mind about the phone - mine had them from 11 - and school spent a few years pushing apps for homework then last year when phone free but still push updates about canceled after school clubs to apps on their phones they can have on them but can't have out at all on school premises - real joined up thinking.

As long as there is some independent means of meetting up - email, teams - it may well be fine having no phone depends on the school/area but if she needs one get one.

TBH it's just reassurance and postivity- and like PP mention using more age appropriate language. Plus as PP mention friendship groups will likely change - and that may cause some anxiety or upset but they will get there and you need to stay calm and postive about it all - plus outside groups can help if things do get tricky.

@MargaretThursdayYou might actually get a conversation if you ask open questions which cannot be answered by Yes or No. So ask what’s on the timetable. Ask what day(s) sports are played. Ask what she chose for lunch. Closed questions don’t get you very far. Definitely try to stay positive though!

The OP has long disappeared.

However, lots of valuable advice for other posters who feel stressed about their dc starting secondary or whose dc are slightly apprehensive.

Honestly: Get her a nice phone and tell her you will monitor it. Don't question every little thing on it though.

Dd1 struggles socially and they were the best thing for her, because she got into a couple of nice WhatsApp groups and that meant she got a presence on them which then translated into real life.

Contact the school (email may work best) and say she is very anxious - some schools have an extra settling in period.

Don't walk her into school holding her hand - if you can find a friend for her to walk in with that will be much better.
Do arrange to pick her up, a couple of streets ahead, so she can leap into the car and flee if need be, but tell her to send a text as she leaves to say if she needs that or not. If she doesn't, then she's walking with friends which will be much better.
If she does want a lift, it may be she's tired rather than a bad day, so assume it's gone well.
Ask positive questions for her with an answer like "Did you get your timetable?" "Was there anything nice for lunch?" not "did you make any friends?" "Did anyone sit with you at lunch?" etc.
Encourage her to join a few clubs, they're a good way of meeting other people in different forms.

Exactly. If the child had no issues with primary attendance and school refusal is being talked about before even starting secondary then something has gone wrong. From the ops response it is sounding like the mother is the problem

Enabled and caused by her mother.

I have a friend who I really like but her anxieties are massively being projected onto her daughter in various ways and have been since nursery.

There's a bunch of us who are concerned and we are fairly sure the school have similar worries.

As I say we really like this friend but we can see she's borderline Munchausen by proxy in various ways and it's troubling. We don't quite know how to help both of them except to offer support and challenge her when we can rather than enable it. Friend has a massive backstory which we sympathise with but it's starting to get too much for a couple of the group too.

The infantilisation, the 'she couldn't possibly do this', the 'she is at risk of x because y' and the 'my child has to have all the right things otherwise they will be bullied' to the point of mum going completely ott on buying things she can't afford and then saying to everyone else who doesn't have those things (and really aren't arsed) that they won't be seen as cool enough is really unhealthy and has impact on all those around them.

The kid is much better off and happier when mum isn't there whispering all this in her ear. She just gets on.

But unfortunately mum has created a codependency because of her own issues so I foresee a car crash eventually playing out in some form either cos mum causes an issue or because daughter eventually rebels against mums behaviour. We are trying to help and support her to prevent this.

The OP is definitely displaying a red flag here in her wording that most posters have picked up on.

The OP really needs to step and ask if she's creating these issues rather than them coming from the daughter because that's what it looks like.

If the daughter does school refuse, mum gets to say 'oh well I knew it' because it is self fulfilling and it plays to mum's anxieties and traps the daughter with mum rather than allowing her to flourish. That's the real danger - and actually the change to high school is a point where the daughter is at risk. Mum can't cope with daughter growing up - and almost tries to prevent it. If she doesn't go to high school she can control the daughter...

It should be seen through this lens rather than through the lens of it purely being the daughter panicking because it's coming from somewhere and there's something driving it. Previous bullying alone doesn't explain it given the OPs comments.